Next Week in Hardcore - 5/21/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Two Piece & A Biscuit (41-35-8)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (53-28-3)

This isn’t exactly a thrilling 1 vs. 3 match-up. Both teams have owners that go about their business and let the players do the talking (with the exception of the press conference blow-up a couple weeks ago by Turd Ferguson). You’ll probably see more shit-talking on American Idol than between these two. Also, both are battling injury woes. One would assume that not having Ryan Howard means less wins by the Urologists, but I guess not. Besides that, there isn’t much to talk about. I’d hate to compare this to a Spurs/Pistons Finals, or even Undertaker/Psycho Sid at WrestleMania 13, but I will anyway. Let’s hope Brendan Roberts plays the role of Paul Bearer, except he carries a gold urn of donut holes around.

The Death Ro (42-37-5)
vs.
The Champ is Here (44-36-4)

Now this is the match-up to see. It’s kind of like the Bret Hart/Steve Austin match at that same WM 13: great undercard bout before the main event. Death Ro has been hitting well lately; putting up a .300 average and 14 HR last week. They even showed they can swipe bases, with 14 vs. Three Shots (8 from Ichiro). The big news for Death Ro is that the injury bug has hit them as well. Hank Blalock is on the 60 day DL, and Josh Hamilton goes to the 15 day. I think it is to no one’s surprise that a player in Justin Rohour’s organization went on the DL for being gassy. On the other side, The Champ lost a tough series to the Urologists 8-4. Pitching continues to be their downfall, as they get swept in those six categories by MU. Luckily the mashers have held up their end, hitting another 18 HR and 59 RBI. This will be a fun offensive shootout to watch. Grab some dip, somebody’s gonna die!

Eastside Taintstains (38-38-8)
vs.
Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (36-39-9)

These are two teams in the middle of the pack. Taintstains are in 6th, while Uncle Teddy is in 7th. We could break down what each team needs to do to make a move above the .500 mark, but because of the vast knowledge of baseball cards between the two owners, let’s talk about that instead. I picked a representative card from both sides to see who has the advantage. First, for the Taintstains is the ’92 Bowman Cliff Floyd. This is one of the great cards from this groundbreaking set. Not only did it feature tons of rookies, but it featured tons of rookies in BAD SHIRTS. See this link for details, and this one for Todd Jones.

Uncle Teddy is at a disadvantage here, since all of his players had rookie cards within the past few years. Luckily we found this gem from the ’97 Fleer set, featuring one of the elder statesmen of the Azzkickers, Brian Giles. Despite the gum-on-the-hat pose, Cliff Floyd and the Taintstains win this baseball card duel. It was an uphill battle anyway for Uncle Teddy, Cliff Floyd’s Thunder Dunk nowhere close to the rim is hard to beat.

Guitar Face (42-37-5)
vs.
Three Shots in March (34-47-3)

Guitar Face achieved a major accomplishment last week: despite putting up an ERA/WHIP combo of 6.08 and 1.65, they won the series 7-5. Their offense wasn’t spectacular either, but good enough to rack up some wins. Stud pitchers Kyle Lohse and Ryan Dempster both had ERA’s of 33.75. Coming to the rescue is closer Jeremy Accardo, picked up Wednesday off the waiver wire. Three Shots held their own vs. The Death Ro, holding on to split the series. The six wins were much needed, as this team still sits in ninth place. The pitching was lights out: in 85 innings 3SIM put up an ERA of 1.91 and WHIP of 0.98. Guitar Face might be punting those categories again if that continues. Yup, that’s all I’ve got. Call this “Lack of Animosity Week” in the Hardcore League.

Thunder Guts (26-53-5)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (36-42-6)

Last week Albert Pujols hit his first HR of the month, while batting .400. Was it just the friendly confines of Thunder Guts’ home park, or a sign of things to come? For Too Drunk, they are getting little production out of Alfonso Soriano, and took a step back last week from their mini-surge. I’ve always been a fan of fire sales, and if one of these teams get a beat-down this week, keep your eye on the trading block.

Next Week in Hardcore - 5/14/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

The Champ Is Here (40-28-4)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (45-24-3)

Last week I wrote that The Champ continues to crush the ball. After taking 5 out of 6 offensive categories (including 17 more HRs), little has changed as this team moves into second place. The Champ is dominating the HR, RBI, and OBP categories, and second in R and AVG. They are putting to rest a lot of speculation that others had before the season: Will Barry Bonds fall apart? Will Chipper Jones be useful? Will Jeff Francouer hit over .250? And my personal question: Is Nick Swisher a dirty bastard? The answers are not yet, yes, yes, and yes—very dirty. Luckily they get to participate in our first ever 1 vs. 2 matchup. This will hopefully be as good as last week’s 9 vs. 10 Toilet Bowl. The Urologists look to rebound from a one week losing streak. Were they on the cover of SI last week or something? I don’t think anyone’s in danger of being fired, but the team has squeaked out some victories in recent weeks. They hope it doesn’t even out this week and blow up in their face. Although if stats from a computer screen ever literally blew up in someone’s face, I’d hope to be there for the fun.

Eastside Taintstains (31-35-6)
vs.
Two Piece & A Biscuit (38-28-6)

The Taintstains were the latest victim of The Champ is Here Pain Train. The offense was too busy braiding Jose Reyes’ hair to notice. Not helping matters was the pitching; they gave a solid half assed effort as well. The Taintstains need to regroup this week if they want any chance to beat Two Piece. One way they’ll try to do that is by wearing memorial patches on their sleeves, in honor of Chad Cordero’s grandmother. She died last week after Two Piece owner Thomas Richards suffocated her under a pillow. Needless to say, the tension is mighty high in this one. Can you imagine how mad Chad Cordero is? He might muster a save and ERA under 5.00 this week just to stick it to Mr. Richards. In response to the memorial patch, Two Piece plans to wear black armbands that say “GOOD.”

Three Shots In March (28-41-3)
vs.
The Death Ro (36-31-5)

Three Shots has had to sit through the terrible start from Cardinal teammates Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds (also pronounced: ‘Cott Rollin and Jeemmy). They’ve helped lead the team to a last place finish in R, AVG, and OBP so far. Howevuh, in “not fair” news, Three Shots has two pitchers that will be facing the Royals this week: Danny Haren and Jeff Francis. Not only that, but Tim Hudson and Chuck James get to try their luck against the Nationals. This is already a tremendous blow to The Death Ro’s confidence. They are coming off their worst week so far, putting up only three wins vs. Two Piece. One might question the owner’s decision of dog-watching instead of team management last weekend, but we won’t do that here. We will question the decision of appointing Jose Canseco and the ghost of Ken Caminitti as the training staff. With a neck injury suffered on Sunday, are these two going to be able to help Derrick Lee in any way? Oops, I see here Jose received his doctorate from Bovine University. My mistake.

Too Drunk To Function (31-35-6)
vs.
Guitar Face (35-32-5)

Too Drunk was the first team to beat the Urologists this season, winning 7-5 last week. They made a subtle move in the standings too, into a sixth place tie. Despite the ice-cold-ness of Jason Giambi and Garrett Atkins, Too Drunk got some help from their pitching staff last week. Brad Penngy and Dang Wheeler were big contributors. Guitar Face lost their series at practically the buzzer last week, as Michael Cuddyer hit a three run HR in the eighth inning of the already out of hand Sunday game, to put Uncle Teddy up by one RBI. They are still good enough to be sitting in fifth place in the Hardcore League and look to put that close loss to the youngsters behind them.

Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (30-36-6)
vs.
Thunder Guts (23-47-2)

Uncle Teddy’s disabled list has gotten very crowded over the past couple weeks. Joining the DL party is Joe Mauer (quad), Roy Halladay (bad appendix), and Justin Speier (some kind of viral problem, which most likely means he was pooping too much). These two teams had high expectations coming into the season but now find themselves at 8th and 10th place respectively. Sadly enough, they’d probably have a more exciting “Best WrestleMania” or “Best Simpsons Episode” discussion than a fantasy baseball matchup. But for record-keeping purposes only (and the hopes that Albert wakes up and annihilates Uncle Teddy on offense), they have to play this one out.

Next Week in Hardcore - 5/7/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

2 Piece & A Biscuit (32-25-3)
vs.
The Death Ro (33-25-2)

Both of these teams played in some nail biters last week against their rivals. 2 Piece split 6-6, while The Death Ro squeaked by the Taintstains 7-5. This week, they play in the game of the week Death Ro has the clear advantage on offense, but 2 Piece has the white hot Chase Utley and Matt Holliday (both have 16 RBI over the past two weeks). As for pitching, 2 Piece gets two starts out of Roy Oswalt, while Death Ro gets two out of Chris White Young. But the real story here is the emotional tug-of-war that is going through the head of one Beth Richards. She is the sister of Death Ro owner Justin Rohour, but the wife (sic) [Editor's note - Thanks to Justin for pointing out that Shaun is a dumbass] of 2 Piece owner Thomas Richards. This has Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and Laura Quinn-Hawk written all over it. She knew this had to take place eventually. Who’s corner will she be in when the gloves come off? Who’s blood will spill on her sparkling dress at ringside? Hellfire! Brimstone! Sunday! Slobberknocker!!

Eh, she probably doesn’t care.

Eastside Taintstains (29-26-5)
vs.
The Champ is Here (31-26-3)

This match-up features the 4th and 6th place teams, both of which are over .500. The Taintstains cannot be mentioned without saying the phrase “Jose Reyes is fuckin’ good” in the same sentence. Jimmy Rollins and Grady Sizemore continue to put up big numbers as well. And while no one else had Trot Nixon on their board, the Taintstains have been happy to have his .338 average so far. They also get Roger Clemens in about a month—I don’t know if there has been any TV coverage of this story, but I think he’s been signed by the Yankees. The Champ is looking to make a move into second place this week. They continue to crush the ball, hitting 15 HR’s and 59 RBI, and almost a .300 average vs. Two Piece last week. However the pitching staff is bringing the team down. Kip Wells has given up 7 earned in each of his last three starts. Once again, a fantasy owner complains: “Man I really need Rich Harden back.”

Meaty Urologists (40-17-3)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (24-30-6)

The Urologists keep on winning, and they look to continue that trend this week. Last week MU got some big numbers out of their boy-band pitchers: AJ, Cole, and Bronson, along with three holds from Boston set-up man Hideki Okajima. The Urologist team translator has been busy of late, with Okajima, Takashi Saito, and Tad Iguchi all on the roster. One phrase they do know: “JD get off your ass, you’re not hurt Sally.” Too Drunk is coming off a huge week, winning 10-1-1. The 10 spot put this team in 7th place in the Hardcore League. Have they finally put down the sauce, or was this a fluke? Soriano is starting to heat up, and Razor Ramon Hernandez is back and putting up some numbers. Survey says: one more…for the good guys.

Guitar Face (30-26-4)
vs.
Uncle Teddy & The Azzkickers (24-31-5)

Guitar Face was the leader in the “2007 Fire Sale Sweepstakes” until this past weekend. Due to a huge week out of Shane Victorino, the Face crushed arch-rival Thunder Guts 11-1. Guitar Face got big numbers in every category except holds. Luckily they play the holds magnet, Uncle Teddy. A fun fact about UT: even though this team leads in holds (14), they have not won a week yet, going 0-2-3 against their first five opponents, who have put up 17 holds. If that wasn’t bad enough, Sign Guy, commonly seen at Cardinal games, has been given tickets to this series by Guitar Face owner Tony Pellegrino. Overheard by one of our Sign Guy insiders: “HOLD on…we’re too busy losing! –Uncle Teddy.”

Thunder Guts (18-41-1)
vs.
Three Shots in March (22-36-2)

Congrats to the Guts, who are the first team to crack the 40 loss mark. They were hammered last week, but look to rebound against the team above them in ninth place. Yes folks, this is our first ever Toilet Bowl! One reason the Thunder Guts find themselves in last place is because they continue to make simple mistakes on a weekly basis. Geoff Jenkins is still in AAA, and so are semi-useful pitchers O-Perez and Jon Garland. Andy Laroche could give this team an offensive boost, he was just called up by the Dodgers. Also, Jared Saltala-"Macho-Man" has been called up to back up Brian McCann temporarily (in real life) [Editor's note: What's this "real life" you speak of?]. Three Shots is coming off an ugly offensive week. The team didn’t put up much of a fight vs. Too Drunk. With Chris Carpenter out for a few months, could they be the ones looking to sell?

Next Week in Hardcore - 4/30/07

Rivalry Week

Welcome to our first ever Rivalry Week! There are a lot of in-state battles between longtime rivals. The only way to determine a winner is to prove it on the field, inside your computer screen. Let’s see who’s getting dealt with this week.

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Eastside Taintstains (24-19-5)
vs.
The Death Ro (26-20-2)

This matchup features two of the hottest teams in the league. Taintstain-mania is runnin’ wild (literally); they lead the league in steals with 48. They also feature a quadfecta of talented lefties in Kazmir, Buehrle, Glavine, and Rich Hill—who gets to pad his stats vs. the Nationals on Sunday. The Death Ro’s offense has been on fire lately (average of 59 R, 16 HR, 65 RBI past two weeks). Even though you’d think the shit-talking here would include only Anchorman and Chappelle’s Show quotes, according to an unidentified source in the clubhouse, Death Ro hopes to “put up those crooked numbers again, matching the Taintstains’ crooked face!”

Thunder Guts (17-30-1)
vs.
Guitar Face (19-25-4)

On the contrary, this matchup features two of the coldest teams in the league. The Thunder Guts have finally gotten some contribution from its highest paid player, Albert Pujols. Unfortunately, team MVP Ty Wigginton hit .130 with 2 R and nothing else. At least he qualifies at a bunch of positions. Meanwhile, Geoff Jenkins wonders what he has to do to get out of AAA. Guitar Face has finally gotten a boost from sleepers Kelly Johnson and Willy Taveras. They try to reverse the bad luck that has hovered over them the past couple weeks. Making matters worse, rumors are circulating on the internets that Jake Peavy could turn heel on Guitar Face, and return to former owner Josh Lohnes. What better time to do it than rivalry week?

The Champ is Here (25-20-3)
vs.
2 Piece & A Biscuit (26-19-3)

The Champ features on-fire offense #2. They led the Hardcore League in four offensive categories last week, and trailed in BA by a few points. This team gets contributions from everyone, including 4 stolen bases from Gary Sheffield so far. The pitching is very sketchy, but could get a boost in holds or saves from Rafael Soriano now that Bob Wickman is (back) on the DL. 2 Piece has on-fire offense #3. Utley, Guillen, and Beltran have been huge the past two weeks. One might even say “Ridiculous! This will be a tremendous matchup. Open your ‘lids and watch this game clones—get that through your dome! Out.”

Uncle Teddy & The Azzkickers (21-23-4)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (32-14-2)

There was a big announcement yesterday that Uncle Ted Kennedy plans on cloning Tim Lincecum. St. Louis’ Archbishop Raymond Burke responded by telling the media that he will boycott future UT&TA games, and other Catholics should follow suit. Team owner Shaun Kennedy set the record straight by saying that the cloning of a professional baseball player is “for hustling purposes only, churchy.” MU looks to protect his house by taking advantage of up to four two-start pitchers this week, none of which have been cloned. Although if there were two Bartolo Colons, they’d be the greatest tag team in wrestling history.

Three Shots in March (21-26-1)
vs.
Too Drunk to Function (14-29-5)

Sorry guys, there’s not a lot to look forward to in this match. Three Shots hopes to hear good news about Chris Carpenter any day now, while Too Drunk loses Mount Crushmore nominee Jim Thome for a couple weeks. The stats are there for both teams: 3SinM leads the league in saves, and is up there in HR and RBI. Too Drunk is tied for first in pitcher wins, and leads the league in ERA. But these teams are not the teams that get results (point to camera).

Next Week in Hardcore

-by Shaun Kennedy

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD*
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Uncle Teddy (17-17-2)
vs.
The Champ is Here (19-16-1)

Last week, The U set a new Runs record (69), while The Champ set a new Home Runs record (tie-16). Some of the top players for both teams are from the Milwaukee Brewers. That should tell the story right there. This one might come down to pitching--which isn’t good because both teams are still in the single digits in pitcher wins this year (Teddy-9, Champ-8). At least they both get a lot of holds.

Guitar Face (14-18-4)
vs.
The Death Ro (19-15-2)

Guitar Face was the first team to not get beat down by the Meaty Urologists, so add a moral victory to their win column if you’d like, Dan McLaughlin. Any team with Miggy Cabrera and Vlad is dangerous. Also having Jake Peavy and Brandon Webb is never a bad idea, too bad they face each other on Wednesday. Adam Dunn hit .222 last week. Is he back to “old form” now after the hot start? The Death Ro gets to find out the hard way as they counter with A-Rod and a bunch of other guys on A-Rod’s back. Well, except for top closers Todd Jones and Bobby Jenks. They’re walking.

Meaty Urologists (25-8-3)
vs.
Three Shots in March (15-20-1)

The Urologists were finally cooled off last week by Guitar Face, even though they still won the series 6-5-1. Ryan Howard is back from a brief injury, and Big Papi is coming off his big series vs. the Yankees (in real life). The Urologists also feature Cole Hamels, who pretty much beat Guitar Face by himself last week in one game. Three Shots has looked smart so far with bargains such as Ian Kinsler and Orlando Hudson producing like top picks. Even better has been Tim Hudson (no relation) who’s got 3 wins and a 0.62 ERA. Oh and Randy Johnson is coming back Tuesday! Get that camera out of my face!

Eastside Taintstains (17-15-4)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (10-22-4)

The Taintstains got a boost last week from Mark Buehrle’s No-Hitter, winning their series 8-4. They look to continue that momentum this week, despite the struggles of David Wright and Manny Ramirez (who finally hit his first HR last week). However, Jose Reyes, the second-best player in fantasy baseball, has made up for that and has helped the Taintstains move into 4th place in the league. Too Drunk looks to end the month with a better result than the first three weeks. We haven’t seen much out of Soriano or Crawford this season; they both possess Bat and Shoes according to MVP 2005, so there shouldn’t be a need to worry just yet.

2 Piece and a Biscuit (16-17-3)
vs.
Thunder Guts (15-20-1)

2 Piece got a huge day out of Dan Uggla Sunday, helping to put 7 wins on the board last week. They also got big contributions out of New York OF’s Moises Alou, Carlos Beltran, and Bobby Abreu. What, does Alou think he’s a Rising Star again? Call Chuck McElroy, let’s make a 30 cent rookie card! Thunder Guts are lead by the trio of Albert Pujols, Ty Wigginton, and Johan Santana. That will be my preview of their team every week. I have nothing else to say, except you should look out for those guys.

* - only if you have an HD tv set and access to HD broadcasts of baseball. If you do, can we come over and watch?