This Week in Hardcore - 3/27/08

Welcome to the first 2008 edition of This Week in Hardcore! We'll get you ready for the new season of Hardcore League action by rounding up the offseason moves and giving you a list of what to watch for this season. Be sure to check out our quick tour around the league as we break down each club's major free agent signings.

Last weekend wrapped up the offseason signing and trading period for the league, and what a period it was. While the spending didn't quite live up to the hype, there were a few surprises in the market and a couple of teams changed from "Pretenders" to "Contenders" overnight. There were also three trades, two of them blockbusters, to catch you up on. All this and more in This Week In Hardcore!

Trade Talk

The talk of the league was the deal between the Thunder-Guts and Uncle Teddy and the Revolution that broke just before the free agent signing period. The Thunder-Guts, looking to restock their farm system, sent All-Star catcher Russell Martin to the Revolution for Jason Saltalamaccia and the eighth pick in the upcoming draft, who turned out to be Carlos Triunfel. Other owners were shocked at the news, immediately claiming that they would have given more for Martin. The front office of the Revolution has to be happy with this one.

The other big trade this week sent Justin Verlander to Champ for Chris Duncan and $3mil in cap space. The Snake Charmers were looking to clear some cap room to make a run at some key free agents, but the price was steep, as Verlander was looking to be quite a deal for the upcoming season. The Snake Charmers were able to sign their target, but we'll see how it plays out during the season.

The third trade involved the Revolution again, this time sending Matt Garza to the James Madison Gang for Howie Kendrick. This was another salary dump, as it provided cap room to the Presidents. Kendrick is signed for the next three seasons.

Signings

Matt Holliday was the big winner of the day, cashing a $12mil deal from the Snake Charmers. He will join Alfonso Soriano and Carl Crawford in what media outlets are already calling the 30 Million Dollar Outfield. Other Viagra Falls signings of note are Ryan Zimmerman and Dustin McGowen.

The Champ Is Here opened up the checkbook for Jake Peavy to the tune of $9.25 million, making him the second highest paid free agent. Ironically, Peavy still takes a pay cut in the deal. Champ was also able to pick up outfielders Alex Rios and Eric Byrnes. Rookie Chase Headley was acquired for $1.75 million.

2 Piece and a Biscuit kept with the outfield restructuring theme, adding Carlos Beltran and Magglio Ordonez for a total of $14 million. Chone Figgins and Chipper Jones will split time at third. Rookie Steven Pearce inked a $2 million deal with the Fighting Fried Chickens.

Last year's champions, The Channel Four Newsteam, picked up Victor Martinez and BJ Upton for $6.25 million each and also brought in second baseman Robinson Cano for $4.25 million. In a speculative offer, the C4NT made Barry Bonds a token offer of $750,000 to see if he will come out of "retirement."

Brandon Webb might end up being the steal of this offseason. The Revolution were able to pick him up for a meager $7.25 million dollars. Carlos Pena was rewarded with a $5 million deal to play first for Uncle Teddy. Chris B Young was brought back after the club was able to renegotiate his contract down to $4.5 million for the '08 season.

The Taintstains snagged Fausto Carmona for $5.25 million, which could be a bargain if he can duplicate his breakout 2007 campaign. With little cap money to go around, the Taintstains' biggest offensive signing was Jeremy Hermida for $3.25 million, while adding Tim Hudson to the rotation for $2.5 million.

The Lousy Street Weasels bolstered their offense with the signings of Curtis Granderson and Carlos Guillen. The pair cost the club $10.25 million. Chein-Meng Wang was the most notable pitcher added to the staff this offseason. Rookies Geovany Soto and Jason Heyward combined for $4 million in salary, helping the club with a rebuilding effort.

The Thunder-Guts top signee, Kelvim Escobar, blew his arm out in camp and will miss the entire season. Jamie Shields, Ben Sheets, and John Maine were also added this offseason and will hopefully shore up the pitching staff. The club spent $10.75 million on the four starters, one of which will not throw an inning this year. Adrian Beltre was the top offensive signing of the offseason for the Guts. Rookie Johnny Cueto was signed for $1.25 million.

Death Ro locked up Brad Hawpe and Joe Mauer for a total of $9 million, solving a catching situation that had club brass looking trade earlier in the offseason. Rich Hill joins the club as the fourth starter and Takashi Saito will anchor the bullpen. Edgar Renteria signed a $2.75 million deal to be the team's everyday shortstop.

Brian Roberts, Corey Hart and Roy Halladay were the big signings for the James Madison Gang, each getting $4.75 million for next season. Roberts and Hart will try to help an offense that was the worst in the league last season. JJ Putz, Bobby Jenks, and Mariano Rivera form a revamped bullpen for the Gang. JR Towles was the only rookie signed to a major league contract by the Madisons.

Rookie Cuts

Jeremy Guthrie
Chris Black Young
Chris Lubanski
German Duran
Kevin Kouzmanoff
Max Scherzer
Brian Bannister
Adam Lind
Andy LaRoche

All these players will be available during the free agent signing period March 22nd.

Award Bonuses

Owner	Bonus
Justin Rohour	$1,750,000
Ben Bridgman	$1,750,000
Jah Slowness	$1,500,000
Andrew Johnson	$1,000,000
Scott Curry	$750,000
Eric Ferguson	$500,000
Thomas Richards	$500,000
Shaun Kennedy	$500,000
David Inlow	$500,000
Tony Pellegrino	$500,000

Uncle Teddy Press Conference

Hello everyone, this morning I would like to announce that the Uncle Teddy franchise is heading into a new direction. While we were not serious contenders in the 2007 season, we feel we are set up to win the Hardcore League in each of the next three seasons. With the young talent we have and some of the greatest baseball minds in our front office, we feel we are the best organization in the Hardcore League.

While taking a "building" approach in 2007, we feel comfortable dropping the Azzkickers (or Azzslappers) from our team name. From now on, we shall be known as Uncle Teddy and the Revolution.

Our team's staff remains mostly the same from 2007. We have made some minor tweaks that will help us win those three championships. New members to the Uncle Teddy Franchise are listed with an asterisk by it. We welcome them into the Uncle Teddy family and they also share the vision that we have in dominating our opponents.

Field Staff

Manager: Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy

Hitting Coach: Felix Jose

Pitching Coach: Jack Bauer*

Bench Coach: Peyton Manning (w/ a chart full of audibles)

Bullpen Catcher: MacGyver*

Batboy: Dwight Schrute*

Ugly Coach: All of the Rams’ Cheerleaders*

Buffet Coach: Jack Box

Management

GM: Thurman Thomas

Training Staff: The Pussycat Dolls

Radio/TV

Play by Play Guy: Gorilla Monsoon*

Colored Man: Cedric The Entertainer*

Studio Guy: Frank Caliendo impersonating Jim Rome

Entertainment

PA Announcer: Dennis Haysbert (as President Palmer)*

Anthem Singer: The Meaty Cheesy Boys*

PR Director: William Jefferson Clinton

Celebrity Fan: Alfonso Ribeiro

Mascot: Pork Steaks

Fight Song: The Saved by the Bell theme song*

Marketing Campaign: “Newly renovated Whorehouse and Casino on level 3”*

Stadium Sponsor: Ranken Tech (full name: The Death Pit at Ranken Technical College Field)

Meaty Urologists Announce Name Change, Satanic Ties

Confirming rumors that had long circulated on the Internets, Meaty Urologists GM Eric Ferguson confirmed the team’s name change to “The Channel Four News Team.”

“Our research found that people were more willing to wear t-shirts, hats, etc., if they made no mention of “meatiness” or urology. As GM of this storied franchise, it is my duty to give the people what they want.”

In other C4 news, Ferguson remained noncommittal regarding whether any of his front office staff would return for the ’08 season.

“It’s easy for people to point at our ’07 results and say, ‘Obviously, those people earned their keep.’ But I think anyone with a half a monkey’s brain can see that the deal I cut with Satan was the key. And I’m not saying that Satanism is a foolproof road map to fantasy success … but it is. I’m just proud of myself for having the fortitude to experiment with the dark arts.

“So really, the hero here, like I’ve always said, is me.”

Meaty Urologists Announce Trade Deadline for Rasmus

Meaty Urologists GM Eric Ferguson emerged from a drunken stupor Thursday just long enough to comment on his team’s continued pursuit of Colby Rasmus. The results were anything but coherent.

“You tell that no-good rotten crotch David Inlow that we’ve got plenty of dollars and players and people and stuff. It’s all on the table. All I’m asking is – wait a minute, I’m not asking, I’m telling! I’m setting a deadline of January 5, 2007, to get something done with that Rasmus kid or else my people will have to have a little talk with his kneecaps.”

When informed that it was actually 2008, Ferguson remained firm on the previously announced deadline.

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” he said.

The Urologists’ package is believed to include Jacoby Ellsbury and at least one of their JV prospects (Reid Brignac, Jed Lowrie, Chris Lubanksi, Wladimir Balentien, etc.).

Trade Announcement: Guitar Face and Uncle Teddy

Guitar Face gets:
Kevin Kouzmanoff ($1,750,000, R-1)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Jarrod Saltalamachia ($250,000, R-1)

Trade Announcement: Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy

Meaty Urologists get:
Alex Gordon ($5,750,000 for 4)
Matt Cain ($4,750,000 for 1)
Tim Lincecum ($1,500,000 for 2)
Brandon Wood ($750,000, R-0)
Andrew McCutchen ($0, R-0)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Cole Hamels ($3,500,000 for 2)
Ryan Braun ($250,000, R-1)
Juan Pierre ($3,500,000 for 1+P)
Nancy Drew ($1,500,000 for 1+V)

Well done gentlemen. I guess the Hot Stove Cafe is open for business.

Trade Talks Between MU and Uncle Teddy Hit Snag

A potential blockbuster deal between the Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy's Azz Kickers was put on hold Saturday, as a transcript of a phone call concerning the trade was leaked to and published in the Hardcore Times. The Times refused to reveal the source of the leak. Both MU and UT representatives refused comment.

A portion of the transcript follows:

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the best-looking GM in the game? ... Exactly right, Denise. Is Shaun there? ... Sure I'll hold. ... Shaun. Hey, how you doin'? Got a question for you. You guys looking for a (player info redacted)? ... You are. Good, 'cause I'm looking to deal (player name redacted). ... Yeah, look, I'd do this if I were you. And I'm not shitting you here, Shaun. I'm being honest with you. You check with your people and I'll call back after my three o'clock "massage." You didn't see it, but I put quotation marks on "massage."

(fifteen minutes later)

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the coolest GM in the game? ... Right again, Denise. Is Shaun there?

High-ranking sources believe that J.D. Drew and/or Chris Lubanski might be targets on the Uncle Teddy side. The Meaty Urologists are believed to have interest in Prince Fielder or a six-pack of Natural Light.

Meaty Urologists Woo Holliday

With some time off before the start of the World Series, Colorado Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday paid a visit to the Meaty Urologists' training facility in East St. Louis on Wednesday. After a brief workout in the MU weight room, GM Eric Ferguson took Holliday out for a lunch buffet at one of the local gentlemen's establishments.

"We had a good talk," Ferguson said. "I made our feelings known, and he expressed genuine interest in our club. He made a point of mentioning how excited he was by the prospect of playing with Jed Lowrie in a couple years."

Holliday, possibly the biggest free agent on the market this offseason, finished with a .340-36-137 line to go with 11 steals and a .405 OBP. He would represent a considerable upgrade for the Urologists, who employed a haphazard platoon of Pat Burrell, Josh Willingham, and Jacoby Ellsbury in left this season.

"We know there will be competition for his services," Ferguson said. "But we feel our team chemistry and access to high-quality ladies of the night make us the front-runners."