Too Drunk to Function gets: Chipper Jones, 3B ($2,250,000) The Champ Is Here gets: Chien-Ming Wang, SP ($2,000,000) Brad Penny, SP ($1,000,000) Salary Implications: The Champ takes on $500,000 against the cap, while Too Drunk sees their cap number drop by $500,000. This will be reflected in the "RELEASED SALARY" line in their roster listing. Too Drunk now has two empty spots, one at AAA, one at MLB.
Meaty Urologists (cap +$250,000, released +$500,000) Recall from AAA: Ryan Braun($250,000) Release: Jon Rauch Brendan Harris Too Drunk to Function (cap +$250,000, released +$750,000) Recall from AAA: Ryan Garko($250,000) Release: Scott Proctor The Champ Is Here (cap +$250,000) Recall from AAA: Hunter Pence($250,000) Demote to AAA: Chone Figgins The Death Ro (cap +$500,000, released +$1,500,000) Sign: Brandon Lyon($500,000) Drop: Mike Gonzalez Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers (cap +$250,000, released +$1,250,000) Activate from DL: Joe Mauer Roy Halladay DL: Brian Giles Release: Rich Aurilla Bob Howry Sign: Rafael Betancourt($250,000)
Uncle Teddy is at a disadvantage here, since all of his players had rookie cards within the past few years. Luckily we found this gem from the ’97 Fleer set, featuring one of the elder statesmen of the Azzkickers, Brian Giles. Despite the gum-on-the-hat pose, Cliff Floyd and the Taintstains win this baseball card duel. It was an uphill battle anyway for Uncle Teddy, Cliff Floyd’s Thunder Dunk nowhere close to the rim is hard to beat.
Guitar Face (cap +$500,000, released +$500,000) Sign: Reggie Willits($250,000) Brad Hennessey($250,000) Release: Morgan Ensberg Kyle Lohse
Guitar Face (cap +$250,000) Sign: Jeremy Accardo($250,000) DL: Huston Street 2 Piece & a Biscuit (cap +$250,000) Sign: Darin Erstad($250,000) DL: Dave Roberts Three Shots in March (cap +$250,000) Sign: Mike Lowell($250,000) Too Drunk to Function (cap +$250,000, released +$250,000) Sign: Jason Marquis($250,000) Release: Kevin Millwood Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (cap +$1,000,000, released +$500,000) Sign: Dan Johnson($500,000) Gil Meche($250,000) Jack Cust($250,000) Activate from DL: Felix Hernandez Ryan Shealy Send to AAA: Brandon Wood Release: Kyle Farnsworth DL: Justin Speier Joe Mauer Roy Halladay Meaty Urologists (cap +$750,000, released +$500,000) Sign: Jose Vidro($250,000) Brandon Inge($250,000) Brendan Harris($250,000) Activate from DL: Jeremy Hermeda Release: Wily Mo Pena Austin Kearns DL: Ryan Howard Chad Tracy
Today we have a new feature on the Hardcore League Blog. It's a point/counterpoint written by two of our owners, Shaun Kennedy of the Azzkickers and Jah Slowness of the Thunder Guts. Let's see what they've got for us this week...
TONY’S A FUCKING IDIOT -Shaun Kennedy Seven weeks into the season, I look at the top of the standings, and who do I see? None other than "fantasy expert" Turd Ferguson. Is anyone surprised? You shouldn’t be since he’s got a job analyzing and writing about fantasy baseball. But how’d he get in a league with a bunch of dumbasses like us? Let’s go over a short history lesson to learn how Tony’s been a fucking idiot since the early days of this fantasy league. After deciding to revoke the invitation to known fantasy cheater Jason York, Tony turns to his vintage baseball cohort Turd “Eric” Ferguson because he works at The Sporting News! He’ll enjoy the complicated details of this league! Yeay! When questioned about Turd’s job at TSN, Tony replied, “Nah he just gets coffee for everyone else.” Hey that’s great Tony. He probably does get coffee for everyone else. Except for all the time he spends analyzing fantasy baseball…ya know…since that’s his job. Unfortunately we found that out after it was too late. Now here we are, seven weeks in the books, with Ferguson in first place by a mile. Some may think he has a bad team, but the results speak for themselves. He’s probably laughing at us all right now in the Sporting News’ office, while Brendan Roberts plays pull my finger with the secretary and challenges everyone to a dump-off at 3 o’clock. I see where this league is heading. I’m predicting four out of five championships for Turd, causing Tony to fake his own death for the sake of the league. We all call it quits and try to spend time with our families, scarred for life from the beat down we took, not to mention $250 down the drain. Oh and if that does happen, I don’t think Tony has to worry about the “faking” part of his death. My message is clear.Well, I think we're all clear on where Shaun stands on this topic. What does Josh have to say about me being a fucking idiot? Read on to find out...
TONY’S NOT A FUCKING IDIOT -Josh Lohnes Somebody get Shaun a paper bag to breath into before he hyperventilates. I’d expect this kind of hysterics from a fucking idiot like Tony, but Stone Cold Shaun Kennedy? Say it ain’t so. Let’s clear a few things up. First, Turd Ferguson for Jason Dork is a trade I’ll make every day of the week. The Chicken Hawk’s fantasy baseball shenanigans are, at this point, so legendary that we can no longer be surprised when he cheats. Second, it’s early. Not as early as it was when I first sat down to write this little rebuttal, but still early enough that we should listen to reason. And reason says that TURD’S TEAM IS AWFUL. Has anyone else taken a look at his squad? He’s got Ryan Howard, David Ortiz, and a bunch of substitute teachers. Actually, with Howard, Ortiz, Frank Thomas and Bartolo Colon, he does have the league’s best sumo wrestling team. Third of all, in the grand scheme of things, It’s real early. We’re less than two months in to a fantasy league that, for all intents and purposes, will continue on forever. The fantasy “expert” has an old squad that is already on the way down. Trust me, the Meaty Urologists are irrelevant four years from now. Now, having said all that, I still have to agree with your central point: Tony is a fucking idiot. He is. It’s science. But he isn’t an idiot because he allowed some dude who just happened to write in some fantasy rag into our league. Tony’s an idiot for many other reasons… Like when he poops his pants… at the auction.Well that was, um, enlightening? I'm actually amazed that they found someone to defend me, though in Josh's favor, he did point out that I am a fucking idiot. HOWEVA, I'd like to point out that sphincter control and idiocy aren't techincally related. I mean, Stephen Hawking probably has sphincter control issues too... Stay tuned for the next installment of Point/Counterpoint, scheduled for release whenever Josh gets around to writing his part.
Hey kids, This Week in Hardcore is sponsored by BJC Healthcare who actually made me do work last week and prevented me from getting this out in a timely manner. In order to repay them for their generosity, I will be writing two articles on their dime this week! So, the article you've all been waiting for... Last Week in Hardcore!
Perhaps the most important and exciting development for Hardcore Fans out there was that the first-place Meaty Urologists finally lost a series, to the ninth-place Drunks! Here at This (Last) Week in Hardcore, we hate to rejoice in the misery of others, but MeatU's first loss of the year is a cause for celebration. To help the cause, we're offering free beer all day yesterday at TWIH headquarters so be sure to stop by! Last week, we saw David Wright confirm that he has a pulse, which was nice for all the Eastside Taintstain fans out there. We saw a pair of pitchers, Jose Contreras and Kelvim Escobar, throw complete game shutouts and pair of Jr's lock up in an offensive battle in the Hardcore Game of the Week. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."
Gary Matthews Jr must be back on the juice this week, hitting four homers and driving in eleven to lead 2 Piece & a Biscuit in both categories. Kevin Youkilis was 11-for-21 on the week with six RBI for a .524/.583 line. Chase Utley had a pair of homers to go with his six runs scored and five driven in. Matt Holliday had three bombs, driving in five. Mark Teixeira went 10-for-25 with six RBI. Roy Oswalt won both of his starts this week, striking out twelve in the process. Jose Contreras threw a complete game shutout to win his only start of the week. Adam Wainwright scattered nine hits in six innings, allowing one run in his victory. JJ Putz picked up three saves with three scoreless innnings this week. Scott Linebrink held two games.
While losing the battle of the Juniors this week, Ken Griffey Jr also led The Death Ro in homers and RBI, with three and nine respectively to go with his ten hits and a steal. Carlos Lee was 11-for-28 with a pair of homers, six runs and six RBI. Brandon Phillips and Ichiro Suzuki each had eleven hits on the week. Suzuki scored seven times and stole two bases. Phillips scored six times and homered. Daisuke Matsuzaka seemed to regain his dominating form, allowing one run over seven, striking out eight in his victory. Ted Lilly pitched fifteen innings in his two starts this week, allowing three runs, striking out ten and picking up a victory. Chris White Young allowed three runs in eleven innings, fanning nine and garnering a win. Chris Capuano led the club with eleven K's. Bobby Jenks saved a pair of games.
Somebody remind JJ Hardy that he's not any good. He continued his push for the MVP (GROSS!) this week, hitting three more bombs and driving in eight for the Champ. Rumors of Lance Berkman's demise were greatly exaggerated, as he also clubbed three homers, drove in six and scored eight. Adrian Gonzalez, Aramis Ramirez, and Jeff Kent all hit two homers apiece as the most powerful team in the league continued their power surge. Jeff Francoeur led the club with ten hits and Jorge Posada and Rafael Furcal each had nine hits. Furcal had two steals and Andruw Jones drove in nine. John Danks pitched into the seventh, allowing one run to pick up a victory. Greg Maddux went five and a third, allowing one run on three hits before departing. Francisco Cordero and Rafael Soriano each had three saves.
David Wright reminded everyone that he's still alive by going 9-for-24 at the plate with a homer and FOUR(!?!?) steals for Eastside. Raul Ibanez had nine hits, six RBI and five runs scored on the week. Manny Ramirez scored six and drove in six, adding a homer. Grady Sizemore stole three bases and Jose Reyes swiped two. Brian Roberts was 9-for-30 with a steal. Carlos Delgado had a pair of homers but was only 4-21 on the week. Tom Glavine led the staff this week, going seven innings allowing only one run to pick up the victory. Boof Bonser struck out thirteen in his two starts this week, winning one. Josh Beckett held opponents to three runs in eleven innings, fanning twelve and winning one of his two starts.
Jason Bay led the way for the Three Shots offense this week, going 10-for-24 with five driven in, six scored, and a homer. Orlando Hudson and Alex Rios each had two homers. Travis Hafner led the club in RBI with six, followed by Mike Lowell and Corey Patterson with five. Bill Hall was 9-for-24 with a homer. Chuck James posted a 1.69/1.03 line this week in ten and two-thirds innings of work, striking out six and getting a win. Ervin Santana struck out eleven in thirteen innings of work, while Randy Johnson fanned nine in only six innings. Chad Qualls picked up two holds.
Justin Morneau continued to tear it up for the Thunder Guts, launching three bombs, driving in six and scoring six times. Felipe Lopez had two homers, scored five and drove in five, despite hitting .192 on the week. Brad Wilkerson had two homers, scored four and drove in six, despite hitting .176 on the week. Sensing a pattern yet? Derek Jeter led the team in hits with twelve and RBI with seven. Russell Martin continued his hot start, going 9-for-27 with six runs scored. Eric Byrnes had a pair of homers and five runs scored. Javier Vazquez fanned ten in thirteen innings. Francisco Rodriguez had two saves with two scoreless innings of work. Pat Neshek struck out five in just 2.2 innings.
The Drunks had five players hit a pair of home runs this week, Alfonso Soriano, Lyle Overbay, Eric Chavez, Magglio Ordonez, and Luke Scott. Soriano was 9-for-26 with three steals. Ordonez had six RBI and seven runs to go with his homers. Luke Scott drove in seven and stole a base. Chavez was 9-for-26 with five RBI. Carl Crawford also had nine hits, a homer, and three steals. Craig Monroe scored six runs, while Josh Barfield, Aaron Rowand, and Ramon Hernandez each scored five. Brad Penny was lights out this week, allowing one run over thirteen and a third, winning both of his starts while striking out eighteen. Braden Looper continued his solid start, throwing seven innings of three-hit shutout ball to pick up a victory. Jered Weaver allowed one run over six, striking out five. Dan Wheeler picked up three saves despite a 9.00 ERA for the week.
Julio Lugo led the Meaty Urologists at the plate this week with twelve hits while driving in seven and stealing two bags. Pat Burrell hit a pair of homers, drove in five and scored five times. Torii Hunter also had a pair of bombs while driving in eight. Juan Pierre was 10-for-31 with three steals and Johnny Damon had nine hits, five runs and a pair of steals. David Ortiz scored six runs and drove in seven. AJ Burnett pitched into the seventh allowing just one run and striking out ten to earn the victory. Erik Bedard turned in seven innings of shutout ball, fanning ten in his start this week. Tom Gorzelanny allowed one run in seven innings of work. Billy Wagner saved three games in three perfect innings of work this week. Takashi Saito closed out two games while Jonathon Broxton picked up two holds.
Chris Black Young led the Azzkickers with a 12-for-23 performance this week, adding two homers, a steal and five runs scored. Prince Fielder also hit two homers and drove in five. Hanley Ramirez had eight hits and two steals, while Brian Giles had ten hits. Ryan Zimmerman appears to be coming around, as he had a homer and six RBI this week. Nick "The Stick" Markakis scored five runs and had a homer. Michael Cuddyer hit a three run homer late sunday night to clinch the victory for The Azzkickers, changing RBIs from a loss to a win. Randy Wolf threw a four-hit shutout for seven innings, striking out eleven in the victory. Andy Pettitte allowed just three runs in fourteen and a third innings this week, striking out six and picking up a victory. Tim Lincecum won his first major league game, allowing two runs in seven innings, striking out six. Brian Fuentes picked up two saves on the week.
For a team that hits .224 on the week, there aren't going to be many stars. Adam Dunn led Guitar Face in everything but steals going 8-for-21 with three homers, six RBI and seven runs scored. Todd Helton had eight hits and two homers. Jake Peavy and Brendan Webb earned their money this week, with Peavy striking out ten in seven scoreless innings and Webb allowing one run and striking out ten in his complete game. Both pitchers picked up wins for their efforts. Kelvim Escobar bested both of them, however, twirling a complete game shutout with nine strikeouts. Ian Snell got back on the right foot this week, allowing four runs in fourteen innings, striking out twelve and getting a win. Casey Janssen had two holds.
"Konerko? Iguchi? They suck. A lot of my guys have sucked, but they suck. A lot. I've f'ing had it with them." .... "Ryan Howard's pissing me off. But he's been hurt. I sunk a lot of money into that bastard, so he'd better produce when he gets back." .... "How are we in first place? I mean, seriously, how is that possible? We suck. From top to bottom. Suck, suck, suck. Oh well, after this week, everything will be different ..." .... "Kevin Kouzmanoff can lick it. Next question." .... "I can neither confirm nor deny that Bartolo Colon ate Todd Coffey. That's the kind of speculation I don't want to get into right now. But I can tell you that Coffey is no longer with the team."
Guitar Face (cap +$250,000, released +$250,000) Sign: David DeJesus($250,000) Release: Chris Burke Three Shots in March (cap +$250,000) Recall to MLB: Fausto Carmano($250,000) DL: Francisco Liriano The Champ Is Here (cap +$250,000, released +$250,000) Sign: James Shields($250,000) Release: Kip Wells Thunder Guts (cap +$750,000) Recall to MLB: Oliver Perez($250,000) Jesse Crain($250,000) Geoff Jenkins($250,000) Assign to AAA: Lastings Milledge Taylor Tankersley DL: Bob Wickman Scott Podsednik Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (released +$250,000) Release: Carl Pavano Recall to MLB: Brandon Wood Tim Lincecum DL: Ryan Shealy