Next Week in Hardcore - 5/21/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Two Piece & A Biscuit (41-35-8)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (53-28-3)

This isn’t exactly a thrilling 1 vs. 3 match-up. Both teams have owners that go about their business and let the players do the talking (with the exception of the press conference blow-up a couple weeks ago by Turd Ferguson). You’ll probably see more shit-talking on American Idol than between these two. Also, both are battling injury woes. One would assume that not having Ryan Howard means less wins by the Urologists, but I guess not. Besides that, there isn’t much to talk about. I’d hate to compare this to a Spurs/Pistons Finals, or even Undertaker/Psycho Sid at WrestleMania 13, but I will anyway. Let’s hope Brendan Roberts plays the role of Paul Bearer, except he carries a gold urn of donut holes around.

The Death Ro (42-37-5)
vs.
The Champ is Here (44-36-4)

Now this is the match-up to see. It’s kind of like the Bret Hart/Steve Austin match at that same WM 13: great undercard bout before the main event. Death Ro has been hitting well lately; putting up a .300 average and 14 HR last week. They even showed they can swipe bases, with 14 vs. Three Shots (8 from Ichiro). The big news for Death Ro is that the injury bug has hit them as well. Hank Blalock is on the 60 day DL, and Josh Hamilton goes to the 15 day. I think it is to no one’s surprise that a player in Justin Rohour’s organization went on the DL for being gassy. On the other side, The Champ lost a tough series to the Urologists 8-4. Pitching continues to be their downfall, as they get swept in those six categories by MU. Luckily the mashers have held up their end, hitting another 18 HR and 59 RBI. This will be a fun offensive shootout to watch. Grab some dip, somebody’s gonna die!

Eastside Taintstains (38-38-8)
vs.
Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (36-39-9)

These are two teams in the middle of the pack. Taintstains are in 6th, while Uncle Teddy is in 7th. We could break down what each team needs to do to make a move above the .500 mark, but because of the vast knowledge of baseball cards between the two owners, let’s talk about that instead. I picked a representative card from both sides to see who has the advantage. First, for the Taintstains is the ’92 Bowman Cliff Floyd. This is one of the great cards from this groundbreaking set. Not only did it feature tons of rookies, but it featured tons of rookies in BAD SHIRTS. See this link for details, and this one for Todd Jones.

Uncle Teddy is at a disadvantage here, since all of his players had rookie cards within the past few years. Luckily we found this gem from the ’97 Fleer set, featuring one of the elder statesmen of the Azzkickers, Brian Giles. Despite the gum-on-the-hat pose, Cliff Floyd and the Taintstains win this baseball card duel. It was an uphill battle anyway for Uncle Teddy, Cliff Floyd’s Thunder Dunk nowhere close to the rim is hard to beat.

Guitar Face (42-37-5)
vs.
Three Shots in March (34-47-3)

Guitar Face achieved a major accomplishment last week: despite putting up an ERA/WHIP combo of 6.08 and 1.65, they won the series 7-5. Their offense wasn’t spectacular either, but good enough to rack up some wins. Stud pitchers Kyle Lohse and Ryan Dempster both had ERA’s of 33.75. Coming to the rescue is closer Jeremy Accardo, picked up Wednesday off the waiver wire. Three Shots held their own vs. The Death Ro, holding on to split the series. The six wins were much needed, as this team still sits in ninth place. The pitching was lights out: in 85 innings 3SIM put up an ERA of 1.91 and WHIP of 0.98. Guitar Face might be punting those categories again if that continues. Yup, that’s all I’ve got. Call this “Lack of Animosity Week” in the Hardcore League.

Thunder Guts (26-53-5)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (36-42-6)

Last week Albert Pujols hit his first HR of the month, while batting .400. Was it just the friendly confines of Thunder Guts’ home park, or a sign of things to come? For Too Drunk, they are getting little production out of Alfonso Soriano, and took a step back last week from their mini-surge. I’ve always been a fan of fire sales, and if one of these teams get a beat-down this week, keep your eye on the trading block.