HCL 2009 Preview - 10 Questions (#10)

As the third annual HCL draft draws near, many questions surround each club. We’ll take this opportunity to preview each team and their chances of baseball domination for 2009.

Starting from 2008’s bottom to the top, here is the biggest question for each team in the Hardcore League:

Channel 4 News Team – The team who has gone through the wildest ride in two years hopes to see a little more stability in ’09 under their new ownership. With a 1st place finish in ’07, and a last place finish in ’08 – where do the C4NT finish in ’09? Sure that’s a pretty general question, but we’ll wait in anticipation to see if new owner Matt Thiel can move the club back to its previous dominance, or if this will be a rebuilding project that will take new ownership more than one year.

Boppers Ryan Howard and David Ortiz return to the lineup, while a the rotation of Tim Lincecum, Zack Greinke, and Erik Bedard has all the makings of being a weekly nightmare for opposing teams.

Thiel also takes over a huge stable of top prospects, including Mike Moustakas and Pedro Alvarez – two mashers who should be a part of C4NT’s lineup for years to come.

Fun Fact: as of press time, the C4NT only has 13 roster spots for the 2009 draft, by far the least of any team in the Hardcore League. Now you know who'll be available for a food run two hours into the draft.

Trade Announcement: James Madison Gang and Channel 4 News Team

Channel 4 gets:
Erik Bedard ($1,750,000, 2 yrs)
Desmond Jennings ($0, R-0)

James Madison gets:
Carlos Quentin ($250,000)
Derek Lowe ($1,000,000)

The money works out exactly even.

In a subsequent transaction, JMG releases Ty Wigginton and his $1,000,000 salary.

Meaty Urologists Announce Name Change, Satanic Ties

Confirming rumors that had long circulated on the Internets, Meaty Urologists GM Eric Ferguson confirmed the team’s name change to “The Channel Four News Team.”

“Our research found that people were more willing to wear t-shirts, hats, etc., if they made no mention of “meatiness” or urology. As GM of this storied franchise, it is my duty to give the people what they want.”

In other C4 news, Ferguson remained noncommittal regarding whether any of his front office staff would return for the ’08 season.

“It’s easy for people to point at our ’07 results and say, ‘Obviously, those people earned their keep.’ But I think anyone with a half a monkey’s brain can see that the deal I cut with Satan was the key. And I’m not saying that Satanism is a foolproof road map to fantasy success … but it is. I’m just proud of myself for having the fortitude to experiment with the dark arts.

“So really, the hero here, like I’ve always said, is me.”

Meaty Urologists Announce Trade Deadline for Rasmus

Meaty Urologists GM Eric Ferguson emerged from a drunken stupor Thursday just long enough to comment on his team’s continued pursuit of Colby Rasmus. The results were anything but coherent.

“You tell that no-good rotten crotch David Inlow that we’ve got plenty of dollars and players and people and stuff. It’s all on the table. All I’m asking is – wait a minute, I’m not asking, I’m telling! I’m setting a deadline of January 5, 2007, to get something done with that Rasmus kid or else my people will have to have a little talk with his kneecaps.”

When informed that it was actually 2008, Ferguson remained firm on the previously announced deadline.

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” he said.

The Urologists’ package is believed to include Jacoby Ellsbury and at least one of their JV prospects (Reid Brignac, Jed Lowrie, Chris Lubanksi, Wladimir Balentien, etc.).

Trade Announcement: Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy

Meaty Urologists get:
Alex Gordon ($5,750,000 for 4)
Matt Cain ($4,750,000 for 1)
Tim Lincecum ($1,500,000 for 2)
Brandon Wood ($750,000, R-0)
Andrew McCutchen ($0, R-0)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Cole Hamels ($3,500,000 for 2)
Ryan Braun ($250,000, R-1)
Juan Pierre ($3,500,000 for 1+P)
Nancy Drew ($1,500,000 for 1+V)

Well done gentlemen. I guess the Hot Stove Cafe is open for business.

Meaty Urologists Woo Holliday

With some time off before the start of the World Series, Colorado Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday paid a visit to the Meaty Urologists' training facility in East St. Louis on Wednesday. After a brief workout in the MU weight room, GM Eric Ferguson took Holliday out for a lunch buffet at one of the local gentlemen's establishments.

"We had a good talk," Ferguson said. "I made our feelings known, and he expressed genuine interest in our club. He made a point of mentioning how excited he was by the prospect of playing with Jed Lowrie in a couple years."

Holliday, possibly the biggest free agent on the market this offseason, finished with a .340-36-137 line to go with 11 steals and a .405 OBP. He would represent a considerable upgrade for the Urologists, who employed a haphazard platoon of Pat Burrell, Josh Willingham, and Jacoby Ellsbury in left this season.

"We know there will be competition for his services," Ferguson said. "But we feel our team chemistry and access to high-quality ladies of the night make us the front-runners."

Meaty Urologists Offseason Roster

Team: Meaty Urologists	Owner: Eric Ferguson
2008 Payroll: 45	2008 Remaining: 40 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Ryan Howard	10,250,000	1B	2+C
2	David Ortiz	8,000,000	DH	2
3	Alex Gordon	5,750,000	3B	4
4	Miguel Tejada	5,000,000	SS	1+B
5	Matt Cain	4,750,000	SP	1
6	Billy Wagner	4,250,000	RP	1
7	Trevor Hoffman	2,500,000	RP	1
8	Tim Lincecum	1,500,000	SP	2
9	Hideki Okajima	250,000	RP	R-1
AAA	Jacoby Ellsbury	250,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Brandon Wood	750,000	SS,3B	R-0
AAA	Matt LaPorta	500,000	LF	R-0
AAA	Wladimir Balentien	250,000	RF	R-0
AAA	Jed Lowrie	250,000	SS	R-0
AAA	Mike Moustakas	250,000	C	R-0
AAA	Josh Vitters	250,000	3B	R-0
AAA	Pedro Alvarez	250,000	3B	R-0
AA	Reid Brignac		SS	R-0
AA	Andrew McCutchen		CF	R-0

2007 Contracts - Meaty Urologists

Ryan Howard	$10,250,000	3 years(2009) + Club
David Ortiz	$8,000,000	3 years(2009)
Cole Hamels	$3,500,000	3 years(2009)
Eric Bedard	$1,750,000	3 years(2009)
Miguel Tejada	$5,000,000	2 years(2008) + Buyout
Billy Wagner	$4,250,000	2 years(2008)
Juan Pierre	$3,500,000	2 years(2008) + Player
Trevor Hoffman	$2,500,000	2 years(2008)
Torii Hunter	$1,750,000	2 years(2008)
JD Drew	$1,500,000	2 years(2008) + Vesting
Kevin Kouzmanoff	$1,750,000	Rookie (0)

Meaty Urologists 2007 Staff

Field Staff
Manager: Jose Oquendo
Hitting Coach: Ike Turner
Pitching Coach: Mr. Burns
Bench Coach: Bobby "the Brain" Heenan
Bullpen Catcher: Charo
Ugly Coach: Abe Vigoda
Buffet Coach: Bartolo Colon

Management
GM: Paul DePodesta
Trainer: Patches O'Houlihan

Radio/TV
Play by Play Guy: Harry Caray
Colored Man: Koko B. Ware
Studio Guy: Stephen Colbert

Entertainment
PA Announcer: Bob Dylan
Anthem Singer: Eddie Vedder/Britney Spears
PR Director: Triple H
Celebrity Fan: Jesus
Mascot: Brick Tamland
Fight Song: "Waiting Room" by Fugazi
Marketing Campaign: "Today's forecast: World domination."

Stadium Sponsor: Diet Dr. Pepper