The entire Uncle Teddy & the Revolution franchise is mourning the loss of manager and team name inspiration, Uncle Ted Kennedy.
To honor a great American like Mr. Kennedy, all levels of UT&TR will be wearing these patches on team jerseys:
The patches will also be available in the team gift shop for a low low price of $14.99. Portions of the proceeds will benefit "research efforts" this weekend by UT&TR management at a strip club to be determined later.
Since I'm an insensitive bastard, here's my graphical message to Uncle Teddy upon hearing that he got some of the brain cancer....
After word got out about Ted Kennedy's trip to the hospital this morning, Uncle Teddy & the Revolution owner Shaun Kennedy rounded up the troops to try and stay focused on this week's matchup.
"We were concerned for Uncle Teddy, but after we received word that he'll be okay, it was time to get back to business. Uncle Teddy would want it that way," said the owner. While Ted is out of action, bench coach Peyton Manning (w/ his chart full of audibles) will take over. But Uncle Teddy is not expected to miss much time, according to Shaun: "I fully anticipate him shaking this off and coming back to the club within one or two days. Ever since we put that strip club in the locker room, it's been hard to get him away from this place. If anything, the trip to the hospital is more of a vacation."
The rest of the club said that they would not let this situation distract them from the task at hand - kicking the Thunder Guts' ass. They plan on dedicating all wins to Uncle Teddy this week. Some of the bullpen crew will pay tribute to their manager by writing either "Mike MaGwiyah" or "Sammy Sooser" on the bill of their caps.
To raise money for seizure research, celebrity fan Alfonso Ribeiro signed autographs for a minimal fee outside of Ranken Technical College Field. By press time, Ribeiro had raised $13.
Hello everyone, this morning I would like to announce that the Uncle Teddy franchise is heading into a new direction. While we were not serious contenders in the 2007 season, we feel we are set up to win the Hardcore League in each of the next three seasons. With the young talent we have and some of the greatest baseball minds in our front office, we feel we are the best organization in the Hardcore League.
While taking a "building" approach in 2007, we feel comfortable dropping the Azzkickers (or Azzslappers) from our team name. From now on, we shall be known as Uncle Teddy and the Revolution.
Our team's staff remains mostly the same from 2007. We have made some minor tweaks that will help us win those three championships. New members to the Uncle Teddy Franchise are listed with an asterisk by it. We welcome them into the Uncle Teddy family and they also share the vision that we have in dominating our opponents.
Guitar Face gets: Kevin Kouzmanoff ($1,750,000, R-1) Uncle Teddy gets: Jarrod Saltalamachia ($250,000, R-1)
Meaty Urologists get: Alex Gordon ($5,750,000 for 4) Matt Cain ($4,750,000 for 1) Tim Lincecum ($1,500,000 for 2) Brandon Wood ($750,000, R-0) Andrew McCutchen ($0, R-0) Uncle Teddy gets: Cole Hamels ($3,500,000 for 2) Ryan Braun ($250,000, R-1) Juan Pierre ($3,500,000 for 1+P) Nancy Drew ($1,500,000 for 1+V) Well done gentlemen. I guess the Hot Stove Cafe is open for business.
| Team: Uncle Teddy | Owner: Shaun Kennedy |
| 2008 Payroll: 38.25 | 2008 Remaining: 46.75 + .5 bonus |
| Player Name | Salary | Pos | Yrs | |
| 1 | Hanley Ramirez | 5,750,000 | SS | 3 |
| 2 | Delmon Young | 5,500,000 | RF | 3 |
| 3 | Prince Fielder | 5,500,000 | 1B | 2+P |
| 4 | Felix Hernandez | 4,500,000 | SP | 1+C |
| 5 | Cole Hamels | 3,500,000 | SP | 2 |
| 6 | Juan Pierre | 3,500,000 | CF | 1+P |
| 7 | Nick Markakis | 2,500,000 | LF | 2+B |
| 8 | Torii Hunter | 1,750,000 | CF | 1 |
| 9 | J.D. Drew | 1,500,000 | RF | 1+V |
| 10 | Matt Garza | 1,000,000 | SP | 1 |
| 11 | Josh Johnson | 250,000 | SP | 1 |
| 12 | Jarrod Saltalamacchia | 250,000 | C | R-1 |
| 13 | Ryan Braun | 250,000 | 3B | R-1 |
| 14 | Manny Corpas | 250,000 | RP | R-1 |
| 15 | Yovani Gallardo | 250,000 | SP | R-1 |
| 16 | Felix Pie | 250,000 | CF | R-1 |
| 17 | Justin Upton | 250,000 | CF | R-1 |
| AAA | Cameron Maybin | 750,000 | CF | R-0 |
| AAA | Ian Kennedy | 250,000 | SP | R-0 |
| AAA | Evan Longoria | 250,000 | 3B | R-0 |
| AAA | Rick Porcello | 250,000 | SP | R-0 |
| AA | Carlos Gonzalez | RF | R-0 | |
| AA | David Price | SP | R-0 | |
| AA | Daric Barton | 1B | R-0 | |
| AA | Matt Wieters | C,RP | R-0 | |
| AA | Carlos Carrasco | SP | R-0 |
Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers get: Aaron Hill 2B,SS ($250,000) Placido Polanco 2B ($250,000) Guitar Face gets: Adam Lind, LF ($250,000) Al Reyes, RP ($250,000) Salary Implications: Salaries of the traded players are even so there will be no change to either team's cap space.
| Alex Gordon | $5,750,000 | 5 years(2011) |
| Hanley Ramirez | $5,750,000 | 4 years(2010) |
| Delmon Young | $5,500,000 | 4 years(2010) |
| Prince Fielder | $5,500,000 | 3 years(2009) + Player |
| Nick Markakis | $2,500,000 | 3 years(2009) + Buyout |
| Tim Lincecum | $1,500,000 | 3 years(2009) |
| Matt Cain | $4,750,000 | 2 years(2008) |
| Felix Hernandez | $4,500,000 | 2 years(2008) + Club |
| Matt Garza | $1,000,000 | 2 years(2008) |
| Josh Johnson | $250,000 | 2 years(2008) |
| Rickie Weeks | $4,000,000 | 1 year (2007) + Vesting |
| Chris B. Young | $5,000,000 | Rookie (0) |
| Brandon Wood | $750,000 | Rookie (0) |
| Cameron Maybin | $750,000 | Rookie (0) |
| Evan Longoria | $250,000 | Rookie (0) |
Field Staff Manager: Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy Hitting Coach: Felix Jose Pitching Coach: Chuck Norris Bench Coach: Peyton Manning (w/ a chart full of audibles) Bullpen Catcher: Jenna Jameson Ugly Coach: Sarah Jessica Parker/Dee Snider (same thing) Buffet Coach: Jack Box Management GM: Thurman Thomas Training Staff: The Pussycat Dolls Radio/TV Play by Play Guy: Vin Scully Colored Man: Reverend Sweet Release Studio Guy: Frank Caliendo impersonating Jim Rome Entertainment PA Announcer: Jim Mora Anthem Singer: Carl Lewis PR Director: William Jefferson Clinton Celebrity Fan: Alfonso Ribeiro Mascot: Pork Steaks Stadium Sponsor: Ranken Tech (full name: The Death Pit at Ranken Technical College Field)