10.27.2007

Trade Talks Between MU and Uncle Teddy Hit Snag

A potential blockbuster deal between the Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy's Azz Kickers was put on hold Saturday, as a transcript of a phone call concerning the trade was leaked to and published in the Hardcore Times. The Times refused to reveal the source of the leak. Both MU and UT representatives refused comment.

A portion of the transcript follows:

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the best-looking GM in the game? ... Exactly right, Denise. Is Shaun there? ... Sure I'll hold. ... Shaun. Hey, how you doin'? Got a question for you. You guys looking for a (player info redacted)? ... You are. Good, 'cause I'm looking to deal (player name redacted). ... Yeah, look, I'd do this if I were you. And I'm not shitting you here, Shaun. I'm being honest with you. You check with your people and I'll call back after my three o'clock "massage." You didn't see it, but I put quotation marks on "massage."

(fifteen minutes later)

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the coolest GM in the game? ... Right again, Denise. Is Shaun there?

High-ranking sources believe that J.D. Drew and/or Chris Lubanski might be targets on the Uncle Teddy side. The Meaty Urologists are believed to have interest in Prince Fielder or a six-pack of Natural Light.

10.18.2007

Meaty Urologists Woo Holliday

With some time off before the start of the World Series, Colorado Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday paid a visit to the Meaty Urologists' training facility in East St. Louis on Wednesday. After a brief workout in the MU weight room, GM Eric Ferguson took Holliday out for a lunch buffet at one of the local gentlemen's establishments.

"We had a good talk," Ferguson said. "I made our feelings known, and he expressed genuine interest in our club. He made a point of mentioning how excited he was by the prospect of playing with Jed Lowrie in a couple years."

Holliday, possibly the biggest free agent on the market this offseason, finished with a .340-36-137 line to go with 11 steals and a .405 OBP. He would represent a considerable upgrade for the Urologists, who employed a haphazard platoon of Pat Burrell, Josh Willingham, and Jacoby Ellsbury in left this season.

"We know there will be competition for his services," Ferguson said. "But we feel our team chemistry and access to high-quality ladies of the night make us the front-runners."

10.04.2007

2 Piece Offseason Roster

Team: 2 Piece & a BiscuitOwner: Thomas Richards
2008 Payroll: 41.5 2008 Remaining: 43.5 + .5 bonus
Player NameSalaryPosYrs
1Chase Utley8,500,000 2B2
2Roy Oswalt8,500,000 SP1
3Mark Teixeira8,000,000 1B3
4Bobby Abreu5,250,000 RF1
5Jon Papelbon3,000,000 SP4
6Adam Wainwright2,500,000SP3
7Jeremy Sowers750,000 SP2
8Homer Bailey2,500,000 SPR-0
9Philip Hughes750,000 SPR-1
10Micah Owings250,000 SPR-1
11Carlos Villanueva250,000RPR-1
12Yusmeiro Petit250,000SPR-1
13Josh Fields250,0003BR-1
14Tony Pena250,000 RPR-1
AAAChris Marrero250,000 LFR-0
AAAJoey Votto250,0001BR-0
AAClayton KershawSPR-0
AAChuck LofgrenSPR-0
AAJeff NiemannSPR-0
AAHumberto SanchezSPR-0

Guitar Face Offseason Roster

Team: Guitar Face Owner: Tony Pellegrino
2008 Payroll: 51.0 2008 Remaining: 34.0 + .5 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Miguel Cabrera 10,500,000 3B 4+V
2 Vlad Guerrero 9,000,000 RF 1+C
3 Jeremy Bonderman 6,000,000 SP 2
4 Adam Dunn 5,000,000 LF 2
5 Brian McCann 4,500,000 C 3
6 Howie Kendrick 3,250,000 2B,1B 3
7 Conor Jackson 2,000,000 1B 1
8 Stephen Drew 2,000,000 SS 2
9 Joel Zumaya 2,000,000 RP 2
10 Anthony Reyes 1,750,000 SP 1+B
11 Eric Bedard 1,750,000 SP 2
12 Willy Taveras 1,500,000 CF 1
13 Billy Butler 250,000 RF R-1
14 Reggie Willits 250,000 OF R-1
15 Asdrubal Cabrera 250,000 SS R-1
16 Dustin Pedroia 250,000 2B R-1
AAA Joba Chamberlain 250,000 SP R-0
AAA Clay Buchholz 250,000 SP R-0
AAA Jeff Clement 250,000 C R-0
AA Jay Bruce RF R-0
AA Wade Davis SP R-0
AA Jose Tabata RF R-0
AA Nick Adenhart SP R-0
AA Philip Humber SP R-0
AA Fernando Martinez CF R-0
AA Eric Hurley SP R-0

Uncle Teddy Offseason Roster

Team: Uncle Teddy Owner: Shaun Kennedy
2008 Payroll: 38.25 2008 Remaining: 46.75 + .5 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Hanley Ramirez 5,750,000 SS 3
2 Delmon Young 5,500,000 RF 3
3 Prince Fielder 5,500,000 1B 2+P
4 Felix Hernandez 4,500,000 SP 1+C
5 Cole Hamels 3,500,000 SP 2
6 Juan Pierre 3,500,000 CF 1+P
7 Nick Markakis 2,500,000 LF 2+B
8 Torii Hunter 1,750,000 CF 1
9 J.D. Drew 1,500,000 RF 1+V
10 Matt Garza 1,000,000 SP 1
11 Josh Johnson 250,000 SP 1
12 Jarrod Saltalamacchia 250,000 C R-1
13 Ryan Braun 250,000 3B R-1
14 Manny Corpas 250,000 RP R-1
15 Yovani Gallardo 250,000 SP R-1
16 Felix Pie 250,000 CF R-1
17 Justin Upton 250,000 CF R-1
AAA Cameron Maybin 750,000 CF R-0
AAA Ian Kennedy 250,000 SP R-0
AAA Evan Longoria 250,000 3B R-0
AAA Rick Porcello 250,000 SP R-0
AA Carlos Gonzalez RF R-0
AA David Price SP R-0
AA Daric Barton 1B R-0
AA Matt Wieters C,RP R-0
AA Carlos Carrasco SP R-0

The Champ is Here Offseason Roster

Team: The Champ Is Here Owner: Scott Curry
2008 Payroll: 37.75 2008 Remaining: 47.25 + .75 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Lance Berkman 9,500,000 RF,1B 2
2 Aramis Ramirez 6,500,000 3B 3
3 Rafael Furcal 5,000,000 SS 1
4 Andruw Jones 4,500,000 CF 3
5 Adrian Gonzalez 3,500,000 1B 2+C
6 Barry Zito 3,250,000 SP 1+P
7 Jeff Francoeur 2,500,000 RF 2
8 Chris Duncan 1,500,000 LF,RF 1+V
9 Chad Billingsley 1,000,000 SP 2+B
10 John Danks 250,000 SP R-1
11 Hunter Pence 250,000 CF R-1
AAA Travis Buck LF R-1
AA Scott Elbert SP R-0
AA Glen Perkins SP R-0
AA Craig Hansen RP R-0
AA Brian Barton CF R-0
AA Troy Patton SP R-0
AA Matt Harrison SP R-0
AA Ryan Sweeney RF R-0

Death Ro Offseason Roster

Team: Death Ro Owner: Justin Rohour
2008 Payroll: 53.75 2008 Remaining: 31.25 + 1.75 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Alex Rodriguez 9,750,000 3B 1
2 Carlos Zambrano 9,250,000 SP 2
3 Carlos Lee 7,000,000 LF 2
4 Derrek Lee 6,750,000 1B 1+V
5 Ichiro Suzuki 5,250,000 RF 2
6 Daisuke Matsuzaka 5,000,000 SP 2+C
7 Chris Young 4,750,000 SP 1+P
8 Hideki Matsui 3,000,000 LF 2
9 Brandan Phillips 2,500,000 2B 1+B
10 Josh Hamilton 250,000 CF R-1
11 Yunel Escobar 250,000 2B R-1
AAA Mike Pelfrey SP R-1
AAA Kei Igawa SP R-1
AAA Jason Hirsh SP R-1
AA Carlos Gomez CF R-0
AA Jeff Samardzija SP R-0
AA Brent Clevlen CF R-0

Thunder Guts Offseason Roster

Team: Thunder-Guts Owner: Jah Slowness
2008 Payroll: 54.5 2008 Remaining: 30.5 + 1.5 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Albert Pujols 14,500,000 1B 4
2 Johan Santana 13,250,000 SP 2
3 Justin Morneau 6,750,000 1B 3
4 Derek Jeter 5,500,000 SS 1+B
5 Francisco Rodriguez 4,250,000 RP 3
6 Aaron Harang 3,500,000 SP 1+P
7 Felipe Lopez 2,500,000 SS 2
8 Russell Martin 1,250,000 C 1
9 Scott Olsen 1,250,000 SP 1
10 Troy Tulowitzki 1,250,000 SS R-1
11 Pat Neshek 500,000 RP R-1
AA Kevin Slowey SP R-1
AA Eric Duncan 3B R-0

Meaty Urologists Offseason Roster

Team: Meaty Urologists Owner: Eric Ferguson
2008 Payroll: 45 2008 Remaining: 40 + .5 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Ryan Howard 10,250,000 1B 2+C
2 David Ortiz 8,000,000 DH 2
3 Alex Gordon 5,750,000 3B 4
4 Miguel Tejada 5,000,000 SS 1+B
5 Matt Cain 4,750,000 SP 1
6 Billy Wagner 4,250,000 RP 1
7 Trevor Hoffman 2,500,000 RP 1
8 Tim Lincecum 1,500,000 SP 2
9 Hideki Okajima 250,000 RP R-1
AAA Jacoby Ellsbury 250,000 CF R-0
AAA Brandon Wood 750,000 SS,3B R-0
AAA Matt LaPorta 500,000 LF R-0
AAA Wladimir Balentien 250,000 RF R-0
AAA Jed Lowrie 250,000 SS R-0
AAA Mike Moustakas 250,000 C R-0
AAA Josh Vitters 250,000 3B R-0
AAA Pedro Alvarez 250,000 3B R-0
AA Reid Brignac SS R-0
AA Andrew McCutchen CF R-0

Three Shots Offseason Roster

Team: Duncan’s Stealing Second Owner: David Inlow
2008 Payroll: 48.75 2008 Remaining: 36.25 + .5 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Chris Carpenter 9,250,000 SP 1
2 Vernon Wells 8,000,000 CF 2
3 Travis Hafner 7,750,000 DH 1+V
4 Jason Bay 6,500,000 LF 2
5 Joe Nathan 5,250,000 RP 2
6 Dan Haren 3,750,000 SP 1
7 Ian Kinsler 3,250,000 2B 1
8 Matt Kemp 2,250,000 CF 1
9 Francisco Liriano 2,250,000 SP 1+C
10 Andrew Miller 250,000 SP R-1
11 James Loney 250,000 1B R-1
AA Colby Rasmus CF R-0
AA Ian Stewart 3B R-0
AA Donald Veal SP R-0
AA Chris Volstad SP R-0
AA Jaime Garcia SP R-0
AA Denard Span CF R-0
AALuke HochevarSPR-0

Eastside Taintstains Offseason Roster

Team: Eastside Taintstains Owner: Ben Bridgeman
2008 Payroll: 53.25 2008 Remaining: 31.75 + 1.75 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 David Wright 10,000,000 3B 4
2 Jose Reyes 10,000,000 SS 3
3 Grady Sizemore 8,500,000 CF 3
4 Jimmy Rollins 7,750,000 SS 2
5 Manny Ramirez 7,000,000 LF 1
6 Scott Kazmir 4,750,000 SP 1
7 Josh Beckett 2,750,000 SP 1
8 Troy Glaus 2,500,000 3B,SS 1
AAA Edinson Volquez SP R-1
AA Adam Miller SP R-0
AA Franklin Morales SP R-0
AA Travis Snider RF R-0
AA Eric Patterson 2B R-0
AA Eric Campbell 3B R-0
AA Michael Bowden SP R-0
AA Chin Lung Hu SS R-0
AA Sean Gallagher SP R-0

Too Drunk To Function Offseason Roster

Team: Too Drunk To Function Owner: Andrew Johnson
2008 Payroll: 51.75 2008 Remaining: 33.25 + 1 bonus
Player Name Salary Pos Yrs
1 Alfonzo Soriano 11,000,000 CF 2+C
2 Carl Crawford 9,250,000 LF 4
3 C.C. Sabathia 6,750,000 SP 1
4 Garrett Atkins 5,500,000 3B 2
5 Michael Young 5,000,000 SS 2
6 John Lackey 4,750,000 SP 1
7 Jered Weaver 4,000,000 SP 1+P
8 Justin Verlander 2,500,000 SP 2
9 Richie Sexson 1,500,000 1B 1
10 Chris Iannetta 750,000 C R-1
11 Akinori Iwamura 250,000 3B R-1
12 Ryan Theriot 250,000 2B R-1
13 Kosuke Fukudome 250,000 CF R-0
AAA Scott Thorman 1B R-1
AAA Erick Aybar SS R-1
AAA Adam Jones CF R-1
AA Joe Koshansky 1B R-0