Last Week in Hardcore - Week 1

Some things never change, but Miami Fart Machine starting the season strong is one that has.

Last season's ninth place finisher grabbed the one slot early this season, trouncing The Champ is Here in runs, home runs, RBI and strikeouts and finishing the week 8-2-2.

Uncle Teddy and the Revolution, league champion for two years running, continues to look strong, defeating Thunder Guts 7-4-1 in week one.

Hardcore Game of the Week
Uncle Teddy Cures Thunder Guts, 7-4-1

Everyone started on the same page this week, and for these two teams, offense was the name of the game.

For Uncle Teddy, the surprise offensive leader was Paul Konerko, who went deep not once, not twice, but three times this week, driving in a total of 7 runs with a .440 OBP. Big time free agent acquisition Chase Utley also proved his worth (the millions spent on his contract), accounting for 6 runs, 4 RBI, and reaching base at an astounding .500 clip with 8 hits and 7 walks. Rajai Davis chipped in with 4 stolen bases and 7 runs scored, providing the winning margin in the stolen base category that The Revolution needed. As a whole, the offense was extremely consistent, with an amazing 10 batters reaching the .300 batting average mark, providing for a .313 team average for the week. While the offense reached for great heights this week, the pitching was another story entirely. With a pair of unexpected disappointing outings each from Justin Verlander and Chris Carpenter, owner Shaun Kennedy can't be too thrilled with their performances. What he can be happy with, however, is the performance of Ubaldo Jimenez, who notched a pair of wins, 13 strikeouts and a nice 2.25 ERA in two starts. Jon Rauch, a closer who wasn't expected to fill that position coming into spring training, added some great value with 4 saves on the week.

Thunder Guts almost matched The Revolution stroke for stroke offensively, but despite the big time numbers the team put up, they weren't quite enough to pull out a victory. Albert Pujols, Nelson Cruz and Vernon Wells lead the team offensively with 4 home runs each. Second baseman Brian Roberts turned in a disappointing performance before getting hurt and being placed on the 15-day disabled list. Roy Halladay paced the pitching staff with 2 wins, 17 strikeouts and only 2 walks, with a sparkling 0.56 ERA. Better luck next week.

Beatdown of the Week
Miami Fart Machine Gasses The Champ is Here, 8-2-2

The Fart Machine was lead offensively by Dustin Pedroia, who hit for a .360 average with 3 home runs, 7 RBI and 6 runs. Jorge Cantu delivered 10 RBI and Garrett Jones added 3 homers with a stolen base in the effort. In pitching, Jorge De la Rosa allowed only 1 hit in 7 innings with 9 strikeouts. Carlos Marmol earned 2 saves without allowing a single run.

On the opposite side of the field, Aramis Ramirez was more a chump than a Champ, hitting for an average of only .130 on the week. Pitchers Josh Beckett and Derek Lowe each got blowed up with 6.17 and 4.5 ERAs respectively. In addition, Lowe sent 10 men to base on walks. On the bright side, Placido Polanco played well, hitting a .455 average on the week. Adrian Gonzalez also added 2 home runs in the losing effort.

Special Report: Channel 4 News Team Deadlocks the Lousy Street Weasels
Week ends in tie, 6-6-0

Channel 4 had the upper hand on the offensive categories this week, with resounding victories in runs, home runs, stolen bases and batting average. Headliners for the team included Magglio Ordonez, who hit .462 with 2 home runs and 6 RBI; Curtis Granderson, who hit .348 with 2 homers, 4 RBI and 3 stolen bases, and Martin Prado, who lead the team in batting average with .542 and 5 runs scored.

The Street Weasels, on the other hand, dominated on the mound with leaders like Tim Lincecum, who finished with 2 wins, 17 strikeouts and only 1 walk to top off a 1.29 ERA; Matt Garza, who threw 8 innings for a win with 9 strikeouts and only 1 run allowed, and rookie Jaime Garcia, who pitched well for a win. Rookie phenom Jason Heyward lead the team offensively with a .292 average, 3 home runs and 8 RBI.

James Madison Gang Eats 2 Piece and a Biscuit for Lunch
8-4-0

James Madison Gang's Chris "Black" Young hit 3 home runs and drove in 11, while Miguel Cabrera hit .522 with 2 home runs and 8 RBI. Jimmy Rollins was all over the bases with a .516 OBP and 8 runs scored with 2 steals to top off the week. One pitching leader was Shaun Marcum, who had 11 strikeouts in 13 innings. Jeremy Affeldt and Mark Buehrle also finished strong, taking home 2 wins each - but it wasn't all good. Closer Frank Francisco's performance was abysmal, with 2 blown saves, giving up 6 runs on 8 hits in only 2 innings. Owner Tony Pellegrino took some solace in the fact that Francisco was, however, able to earn a win over the weekend once he was removed from the closer's role.

2 Piece's offense, for the most part, fell flat last week, led by Mark Texiera and Juan Pierre, who both went 3-for-24 with .125 batting averages. The lone bright spots were Ryan Howard, who hit .357 with 3 home runs and 10 RBI, and unbelievably, Scott Podsednik, who hit .364 with 4 stolen bases. On the mound, Chris Perez and Jonathan Papelbon earned two saves each, but were otherwise roughed up - with 9.00 and 5.40 ERAs respectively. Adam Wainwright looked strong in his one start, earning a victory for the Biscuit, and reliever Ryan Perry added a save and 2 holds on the week.

Viagra Falls Snake Charmers Unable to Escape The Death Ro
Ro takes week 8-3-1

The Death Ro killed last week in runs, home runs, RBI, batting average, ERA and WHIP. Offensive leaders were Hideki Matsui with a .370 average, 2 home runs and 5 RBI, Casey McGehee, who hit .348 with 2 homers and 4 RBI, and Matt Kemp, who hit .321 with one homer, 7 RBI and a stolen base. Julio Borbon may be in danger of walking the Green Mile after his 0-for-16 start to the season. Jered Weaver led the team's pitching effort with one victory in two starts, with 13 strikeouts in 12 innings and a 1.00 WHIP. Brian Wilson and Heath Bell added 2 saves a piece. Todd Coffey had two holds.

Matt Holliday was the only Charmer to live up to his team's name - he hit .423 with 3 home runs, 6 RBI, 8 runs scored and a steal. Eleven guys on the team hit .208 or worse on the week. Reliever Leo Nunez got a win and two saves, while Carlos Zambrano proved to be his usual unpredictable self, throwing one good game and one not-so-good game last week.

Offensive Stars
1. Albert Pujols - .375 avg. | 4 hr | 10 RBI | 7 runs scored | .444 OBP 2. Nelson Cruz - .450 avg | 4 hr | 9 RBI | 6 runs scored | .520 OBP 3. Dustin Pedroia - .360 avg. | 3 hr | 7 RBI | 6 runs scored | .433 OBP

Pitching Stars
1. Roy Halladay - 2 wins | 16 IP | 17:2 K:BB | 0.56 ERA | 0.94 WHIP 2. Tim Lincecum - 2 wins | 14 IP | 17:1 K:BB | 1.29 ERA | 0.71 WHIP 3. Jorge De la Rosa - 1 win | 7 IP | 9:1 K:BB | 0.00 ERA | 0.29 WHIP