Next Week in Hardcore - 4/30/07

Rivalry Week

Welcome to our first ever Rivalry Week! There are a lot of in-state battles between longtime rivals. The only way to determine a winner is to prove it on the field, inside your computer screen. Let’s see who’s getting dealt with this week.

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Eastside Taintstains (24-19-5)
vs.
The Death Ro (26-20-2)

This matchup features two of the hottest teams in the league. Taintstain-mania is runnin’ wild (literally); they lead the league in steals with 48. They also feature a quadfecta of talented lefties in Kazmir, Buehrle, Glavine, and Rich Hill—who gets to pad his stats vs. the Nationals on Sunday. The Death Ro’s offense has been on fire lately (average of 59 R, 16 HR, 65 RBI past two weeks). Even though you’d think the shit-talking here would include only Anchorman and Chappelle’s Show quotes, according to an unidentified source in the clubhouse, Death Ro hopes to “put up those crooked numbers again, matching the Taintstains’ crooked face!”

Thunder Guts (17-30-1)
vs.
Guitar Face (19-25-4)

On the contrary, this matchup features two of the coldest teams in the league. The Thunder Guts have finally gotten some contribution from its highest paid player, Albert Pujols. Unfortunately, team MVP Ty Wigginton hit .130 with 2 R and nothing else. At least he qualifies at a bunch of positions. Meanwhile, Geoff Jenkins wonders what he has to do to get out of AAA. Guitar Face has finally gotten a boost from sleepers Kelly Johnson and Willy Taveras. They try to reverse the bad luck that has hovered over them the past couple weeks. Making matters worse, rumors are circulating on the internets that Jake Peavy could turn heel on Guitar Face, and return to former owner Josh Lohnes. What better time to do it than rivalry week?

The Champ is Here (25-20-3)
vs.
2 Piece & A Biscuit (26-19-3)

The Champ features on-fire offense #2. They led the Hardcore League in four offensive categories last week, and trailed in BA by a few points. This team gets contributions from everyone, including 4 stolen bases from Gary Sheffield so far. The pitching is very sketchy, but could get a boost in holds or saves from Rafael Soriano now that Bob Wickman is (back) on the DL. 2 Piece has on-fire offense #3. Utley, Guillen, and Beltran have been huge the past two weeks. One might even say “Ridiculous! This will be a tremendous matchup. Open your ‘lids and watch this game clones—get that through your dome! Out.”

Uncle Teddy & The Azzkickers (21-23-4)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (32-14-2)

There was a big announcement yesterday that Uncle Ted Kennedy plans on cloning Tim Lincecum. St. Louis’ Archbishop Raymond Burke responded by telling the media that he will boycott future UT&TA games, and other Catholics should follow suit. Team owner Shaun Kennedy set the record straight by saying that the cloning of a professional baseball player is “for hustling purposes only, churchy.” MU looks to protect his house by taking advantage of up to four two-start pitchers this week, none of which have been cloned. Although if there were two Bartolo Colons, they’d be the greatest tag team in wrestling history.

Three Shots in March (21-26-1)
vs.
Too Drunk to Function (14-29-5)

Sorry guys, there’s not a lot to look forward to in this match. Three Shots hopes to hear good news about Chris Carpenter any day now, while Too Drunk loses Mount Crushmore nominee Jim Thome for a couple weeks. The stats are there for both teams: 3SinM leads the league in saves, and is up there in HR and RBI. Too Drunk is tied for first in pitcher wins, and leads the league in ERA. But these teams are not the teams that get results (point to camera).