Next Week in Hardcore - 5/14/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

The Champ Is Here (40-28-4)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (45-24-3)

Last week I wrote that The Champ continues to crush the ball. After taking 5 out of 6 offensive categories (including 17 more HRs), little has changed as this team moves into second place. The Champ is dominating the HR, RBI, and OBP categories, and second in R and AVG. They are putting to rest a lot of speculation that others had before the season: Will Barry Bonds fall apart? Will Chipper Jones be useful? Will Jeff Francouer hit over .250? And my personal question: Is Nick Swisher a dirty bastard? The answers are not yet, yes, yes, and yes—very dirty. Luckily they get to participate in our first ever 1 vs. 2 matchup. This will hopefully be as good as last week’s 9 vs. 10 Toilet Bowl. The Urologists look to rebound from a one week losing streak. Were they on the cover of SI last week or something? I don’t think anyone’s in danger of being fired, but the team has squeaked out some victories in recent weeks. They hope it doesn’t even out this week and blow up in their face. Although if stats from a computer screen ever literally blew up in someone’s face, I’d hope to be there for the fun.

Eastside Taintstains (31-35-6)
vs.
Two Piece & A Biscuit (38-28-6)

The Taintstains were the latest victim of The Champ is Here Pain Train. The offense was too busy braiding Jose Reyes’ hair to notice. Not helping matters was the pitching; they gave a solid half assed effort as well. The Taintstains need to regroup this week if they want any chance to beat Two Piece. One way they’ll try to do that is by wearing memorial patches on their sleeves, in honor of Chad Cordero’s grandmother. She died last week after Two Piece owner Thomas Richards suffocated her under a pillow. Needless to say, the tension is mighty high in this one. Can you imagine how mad Chad Cordero is? He might muster a save and ERA under 5.00 this week just to stick it to Mr. Richards. In response to the memorial patch, Two Piece plans to wear black armbands that say “GOOD.”

Three Shots In March (28-41-3)
vs.
The Death Ro (36-31-5)

Three Shots has had to sit through the terrible start from Cardinal teammates Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds (also pronounced: ‘Cott Rollin and Jeemmy). They’ve helped lead the team to a last place finish in R, AVG, and OBP so far. Howevuh, in “not fair” news, Three Shots has two pitchers that will be facing the Royals this week: Danny Haren and Jeff Francis. Not only that, but Tim Hudson and Chuck James get to try their luck against the Nationals. This is already a tremendous blow to The Death Ro’s confidence. They are coming off their worst week so far, putting up only three wins vs. Two Piece. One might question the owner’s decision of dog-watching instead of team management last weekend, but we won’t do that here. We will question the decision of appointing Jose Canseco and the ghost of Ken Caminitti as the training staff. With a neck injury suffered on Sunday, are these two going to be able to help Derrick Lee in any way? Oops, I see here Jose received his doctorate from Bovine University. My mistake.

Too Drunk To Function (31-35-6)
vs.
Guitar Face (35-32-5)

Too Drunk was the first team to beat the Urologists this season, winning 7-5 last week. They made a subtle move in the standings too, into a sixth place tie. Despite the ice-cold-ness of Jason Giambi and Garrett Atkins, Too Drunk got some help from their pitching staff last week. Brad Penngy and Dang Wheeler were big contributors. Guitar Face lost their series at practically the buzzer last week, as Michael Cuddyer hit a three run HR in the eighth inning of the already out of hand Sunday game, to put Uncle Teddy up by one RBI. They are still good enough to be sitting in fifth place in the Hardcore League and look to put that close loss to the youngsters behind them.

Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (30-36-6)
vs.
Thunder Guts (23-47-2)

Uncle Teddy’s disabled list has gotten very crowded over the past couple weeks. Joining the DL party is Joe Mauer (quad), Roy Halladay (bad appendix), and Justin Speier (some kind of viral problem, which most likely means he was pooping too much). These two teams had high expectations coming into the season but now find themselves at 8th and 10th place respectively. Sadly enough, they’d probably have a more exciting “Best WrestleMania” or “Best Simpsons Episode” discussion than a fantasy baseball matchup. But for record-keeping purposes only (and the hopes that Albert wakes up and annihilates Uncle Teddy on offense), they have to play this one out.