Next Week in Hardcore - 5/7/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

2 Piece & A Biscuit (32-25-3)
vs.
The Death Ro (33-25-2)

Both of these teams played in some nail biters last week against their rivals. 2 Piece split 6-6, while The Death Ro squeaked by the Taintstains 7-5. This week, they play in the game of the week Death Ro has the clear advantage on offense, but 2 Piece has the white hot Chase Utley and Matt Holliday (both have 16 RBI over the past two weeks). As for pitching, 2 Piece gets two starts out of Roy Oswalt, while Death Ro gets two out of Chris White Young. But the real story here is the emotional tug-of-war that is going through the head of one Beth Richards. She is the sister of Death Ro owner Justin Rohour, but the wife (sic) [Editor's note - Thanks to Justin for pointing out that Shaun is a dumbass] of 2 Piece owner Thomas Richards. This has Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and Laura Quinn-Hawk written all over it. She knew this had to take place eventually. Who’s corner will she be in when the gloves come off? Who’s blood will spill on her sparkling dress at ringside? Hellfire! Brimstone! Sunday! Slobberknocker!!

Eh, she probably doesn’t care.

Eastside Taintstains (29-26-5)
vs.
The Champ is Here (31-26-3)

This match-up features the 4th and 6th place teams, both of which are over .500. The Taintstains cannot be mentioned without saying the phrase “Jose Reyes is fuckin’ good” in the same sentence. Jimmy Rollins and Grady Sizemore continue to put up big numbers as well. And while no one else had Trot Nixon on their board, the Taintstains have been happy to have his .338 average so far. They also get Roger Clemens in about a month—I don’t know if there has been any TV coverage of this story, but I think he’s been signed by the Yankees. The Champ is looking to make a move into second place this week. They continue to crush the ball, hitting 15 HR’s and 59 RBI, and almost a .300 average vs. Two Piece last week. However the pitching staff is bringing the team down. Kip Wells has given up 7 earned in each of his last three starts. Once again, a fantasy owner complains: “Man I really need Rich Harden back.”

Meaty Urologists (40-17-3)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (24-30-6)

The Urologists keep on winning, and they look to continue that trend this week. Last week MU got some big numbers out of their boy-band pitchers: AJ, Cole, and Bronson, along with three holds from Boston set-up man Hideki Okajima. The Urologist team translator has been busy of late, with Okajima, Takashi Saito, and Tad Iguchi all on the roster. One phrase they do know: “JD get off your ass, you’re not hurt Sally.” Too Drunk is coming off a huge week, winning 10-1-1. The 10 spot put this team in 7th place in the Hardcore League. Have they finally put down the sauce, or was this a fluke? Soriano is starting to heat up, and Razor Ramon Hernandez is back and putting up some numbers. Survey says: one more…for the good guys.

Guitar Face (30-26-4)
vs.
Uncle Teddy & The Azzkickers (24-31-5)

Guitar Face was the leader in the “2007 Fire Sale Sweepstakes” until this past weekend. Due to a huge week out of Shane Victorino, the Face crushed arch-rival Thunder Guts 11-1. Guitar Face got big numbers in every category except holds. Luckily they play the holds magnet, Uncle Teddy. A fun fact about UT: even though this team leads in holds (14), they have not won a week yet, going 0-2-3 against their first five opponents, who have put up 17 holds. If that wasn’t bad enough, Sign Guy, commonly seen at Cardinal games, has been given tickets to this series by Guitar Face owner Tony Pellegrino. Overheard by one of our Sign Guy insiders: “HOLD on…we’re too busy losing! –Uncle Teddy.”

Thunder Guts (18-41-1)
vs.
Three Shots in March (22-36-2)

Congrats to the Guts, who are the first team to crack the 40 loss mark. They were hammered last week, but look to rebound against the team above them in ninth place. Yes folks, this is our first ever Toilet Bowl! One reason the Thunder Guts find themselves in last place is because they continue to make simple mistakes on a weekly basis. Geoff Jenkins is still in AAA, and so are semi-useful pitchers O-Perez and Jon Garland. Andy Laroche could give this team an offensive boost, he was just called up by the Dodgers. Also, Jared Saltala-"Macho-Man" has been called up to back up Brian McCann temporarily (in real life) [Editor's note: What's this "real life" you speak of?]. Three Shots is coming off an ugly offensive week. The team didn’t put up much of a fight vs. Too Drunk. With Chris Carpenter out for a few months, could they be the ones looking to sell?