Trade Talks Between MU and Uncle Teddy Hit Snag

A potential blockbuster deal between the Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy's Azz Kickers was put on hold Saturday, as a transcript of a phone call concerning the trade was leaked to and published in the Hardcore Times. The Times refused to reveal the source of the leak. Both MU and UT representatives refused comment.

A portion of the transcript follows:

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the best-looking GM in the game? ... Exactly right, Denise. Is Shaun there? ... Sure I'll hold. ... Shaun. Hey, how you doin'? Got a question for you. You guys looking for a (player info redacted)? ... You are. Good, 'cause I'm looking to deal (player name redacted). ... Yeah, look, I'd do this if I were you. And I'm not shitting you here, Shaun. I'm being honest with you. You check with your people and I'll call back after my three o'clock "massage." You didn't see it, but I put quotation marks on "massage."

(fifteen minutes later)

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the coolest GM in the game? ... Right again, Denise. Is Shaun there?

High-ranking sources believe that J.D. Drew and/or Chris Lubanski might be targets on the Uncle Teddy side. The Meaty Urologists are believed to have interest in Prince Fielder or a six-pack of Natural Light.

Meaty Urologists Woo Holliday

With some time off before the start of the World Series, Colorado Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday paid a visit to the Meaty Urologists' training facility in East St. Louis on Wednesday. After a brief workout in the MU weight room, GM Eric Ferguson took Holliday out for a lunch buffet at one of the local gentlemen's establishments.

"We had a good talk," Ferguson said. "I made our feelings known, and he expressed genuine interest in our club. He made a point of mentioning how excited he was by the prospect of playing with Jed Lowrie in a couple years."

Holliday, possibly the biggest free agent on the market this offseason, finished with a .340-36-137 line to go with 11 steals and a .405 OBP. He would represent a considerable upgrade for the Urologists, who employed a haphazard platoon of Pat Burrell, Josh Willingham, and Jacoby Ellsbury in left this season.

"We know there will be competition for his services," Ferguson said. "But we feel our team chemistry and access to high-quality ladies of the night make us the front-runners."

2 Piece Offseason Roster

Team: 2 Piece & a Biscuit	Owner: Thomas Richards
2008 Payroll: 41.5	2008 Remaining: 43.5 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Chase Utley	8,500,000	2B	2
2	Roy Oswalt	8,500,000	SP	1
3	Mark Teixeira	8,000,000	1B	3
4	Bobby Abreu	5,250,000	RF	1
5	Jon Papelbon	3,000,000	SP	4
6	Adam Wainwright	2,500,000	SP	3
7	Jeremy Sowers	750,000	SP	2
8	Homer Bailey	2,500,000	SP	R-0
9	Philip Hughes	750,000	SP	R-1
10	Micah Owings	250,000	SP	R-1
11	Carlos Villanueva	250,000	RP	R-1
12	Yusmeiro Petit	250,000	SP	R-1
13	Josh Fields	250,000	3B	R-1
14	Tony Pena	250,000	RP	R-1
AAA	Chris Marrero	250,000	LF	R-0
AAA	Joey Votto	250,000	1B	R-0
AA	Clayton Kershaw		SP	R-0
AA	Chuck Lofgren		SP	R-0
AA	Jeff Niemann		SP	R-0
AA	Humberto Sanchez		SP	R-0

Guitar Face Offseason Roster

Team: Guitar Face	Owner: Tony Pellegrino
2008 Payroll: 51.0	2008 Remaining: 34.0 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Miguel Cabrera	10,500,000	3B	4+V
2	Vlad Guerrero	9,000,000	RF	1+C
3	Jeremy Bonderman	6,000,000	SP	2
4	Adam Dunn	5,000,000	LF	2
5	Brian McCann	4,500,000	C	3
6	Howie Kendrick	3,250,000	2B,1B	3
7	Conor Jackson	2,000,000	1B	1
8	Stephen Drew	2,000,000	SS	2
9	Joel Zumaya	2,000,000	RP	2
10	Anthony Reyes	1,750,000	SP	1+B
11	Eric Bedard	1,750,000	SP	2
12	Willy Taveras	1,500,000	CF	1
13	Billy Butler	250,000	RF	R-1
14	Reggie Willits	250,000	OF	R-1
15	Asdrubal Cabrera	250,000	SS	R-1
16	Dustin Pedroia	250,000	2B	R-1
AAA	Joba Chamberlain	250,000	SP	R-0
AAA	Clay Buchholz	250,000	SP	R-0
AAA	Jeff Clement	250,000	C	R-0
AA	Jay Bruce		RF	R-0
AA	Wade Davis		SP	R-0
AA	Jose Tabata		RF	R-0
AA	Nick Adenhart		SP	R-0
AA	Philip Humber		SP	R-0
AA	Fernando Martinez		CF	R-0
AA	Eric Hurley		SP	R-0

Uncle Teddy Offseason Roster

Team: Uncle Teddy	Owner: Shaun Kennedy
2008 Payroll: 38.25	2008 Remaining: 46.75 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Hanley Ramirez	5,750,000	SS	3
2	Delmon Young	5,500,000	RF	3
3	Prince Fielder	5,500,000	1B	2+P
4	Felix Hernandez	4,500,000	SP	1+C
5	Cole Hamels	3,500,000	SP	2
6	Juan Pierre	3,500,000	CF	1+P
7	Nick Markakis	2,500,000	LF	2+B
8	Torii Hunter	1,750,000	CF	1
9	J.D. Drew	1,500,000	RF	1+V
10	Matt Garza	1,000,000	SP	1
11	Josh Johnson	250,000	SP	1
12	Jarrod Saltalamacchia	250,000	C	R-1
13	Ryan Braun	250,000	3B	R-1
14	Manny Corpas	250,000	RP	R-1
15	Yovani Gallardo	250,000	SP	R-1
16	Felix Pie	250,000	CF	R-1
17	Justin Upton	250,000	CF	R-1
AAA	Cameron Maybin	750,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Ian Kennedy	250,000	SP	R-0
AAA	Evan Longoria	250,000	3B	R-0
AAA	Rick Porcello	250,000	SP	R-0
AA	Carlos Gonzalez		RF	R-0
AA	David Price		SP	R-0
AA	Daric Barton		1B	R-0
AA	Matt Wieters		C,RP	R-0
AA	Carlos Carrasco		SP	R-0

The Champ is Here Offseason Roster

Team: The Champ Is Here	Owner: Scott Curry
2008 Payroll: 37.75	2008 Remaining: 47.25 + .75 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Lance Berkman	9,500,000	RF,1B	2
2	Aramis Ramirez	6,500,000	3B	3
3	Rafael Furcal	5,000,000	SS	1
4	Andruw Jones	4,500,000	CF	3
5	Adrian Gonzalez	3,500,000	1B	2+C
6	Barry Zito	3,250,000	SP	1+P
7	Jeff Francoeur	2,500,000	RF	2
8	Chris Duncan	1,500,000	LF,RF	1+V
9	Chad Billingsley	1,000,000	SP	2+B
10	John Danks	250,000	SP	R-1
11	Hunter Pence	250,000	CF	R-1
AAA	Travis Buck		LF	R-1
AA	Scott Elbert		SP	R-0
AA	Glen Perkins		SP	R-0
AA	Craig Hansen		RP	R-0
AA	Brian Barton		CF	R-0
AA	Troy Patton		SP	R-0
AA	Matt Harrison		SP	R-0
AA	Ryan Sweeney		RF	R-0

Death Ro Offseason Roster

Team: Death Ro	Owner: Justin Rohour
2008 Payroll: 53.75	2008 Remaining: 31.25 + 1.75 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Alex Rodriguez	9,750,000	3B	1
2	Carlos Zambrano	9,250,000	SP	2
3	Carlos Lee	7,000,000	LF	2
4	Derrek Lee	6,750,000	1B	1+V
5	Ichiro Suzuki	5,250,000	RF	2
6	Daisuke Matsuzaka	5,000,000	SP	2+C
7	Chris Young	4,750,000	SP	1+P
8	Hideki Matsui	3,000,000	LF	2
9	Brandan Phillips	2,500,000	2B	1+B
10	Josh Hamilton	250,000	CF	R-1
11	Yunel Escobar	250,000	2B	R-1
AAA	Mike Pelfrey		SP	R-1
AAA	Kei Igawa		SP	R-1
AAA	Jason Hirsh		SP	R-1
AA	Carlos Gomez		CF	R-0
AA	Jeff Samardzija		SP	R-0
AA	Brent Clevlen		CF	R-0

Thunder Guts Offseason Roster

Team: Thunder-Guts	Owner: Jah Slowness
2008 Payroll: 54.5	2008 Remaining: 30.5 + 1.5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Albert Pujols	14,500,000	1B	4
2	Johan Santana	13,250,000	SP	2
3	Justin Morneau	6,750,000	1B	3
4	Derek Jeter	5,500,000	SS	1+B
5	Francisco Rodriguez	4,250,000	RP	3
6	Aaron Harang	3,500,000	SP	1+P
7	Felipe Lopez	2,500,000	SS	2
8	Russell Martin	1,250,000	C	1
9	Scott Olsen	1,250,000	SP	1
10	Troy Tulowitzki	1,250,000	SS	R-1
11	Pat Neshek	500,000	RP	R-1
AA	Kevin Slowey		SP	R-1
AA	Eric Duncan		3B	R-0

Meaty Urologists Offseason Roster

Team: Meaty Urologists	Owner: Eric Ferguson
2008 Payroll: 45	2008 Remaining: 40 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Ryan Howard	10,250,000	1B	2+C
2	David Ortiz	8,000,000	DH	2
3	Alex Gordon	5,750,000	3B	4
4	Miguel Tejada	5,000,000	SS	1+B
5	Matt Cain	4,750,000	SP	1
6	Billy Wagner	4,250,000	RP	1
7	Trevor Hoffman	2,500,000	RP	1
8	Tim Lincecum	1,500,000	SP	2
9	Hideki Okajima	250,000	RP	R-1
AAA	Jacoby Ellsbury	250,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Brandon Wood	750,000	SS,3B	R-0
AAA	Matt LaPorta	500,000	LF	R-0
AAA	Wladimir Balentien	250,000	RF	R-0
AAA	Jed Lowrie	250,000	SS	R-0
AAA	Mike Moustakas	250,000	C	R-0
AAA	Josh Vitters	250,000	3B	R-0
AAA	Pedro Alvarez	250,000	3B	R-0
AA	Reid Brignac		SS	R-0
AA	Andrew McCutchen		CF	R-0

Three Shots Offseason Roster

Team: Duncan’s Stealing Second	Owner: David Inlow
2008 Payroll: 48.75	2008 Remaining: 36.25 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Chris Carpenter	9,250,000	SP	1
2	Vernon Wells	8,000,000	CF	2
3	Travis Hafner	7,750,000	DH	1+V
4	Jason Bay	6,500,000	LF	2
5	Joe Nathan	5,250,000	RP	2
6	Dan Haren	3,750,000	SP	1
7	Ian Kinsler	3,250,000	2B	1
8	Matt Kemp	2,250,000	CF	1
9	Francisco Liriano	2,250,000	SP	1+C
10	Andrew Miller	250,000	SP	R-1
11	James Loney	250,000	1B	R-1
AA	Colby Rasmus		CF	R-0
AA	Ian Stewart		3B	R-0
AA	Donald Veal		SP	R-0
AA	Chris Volstad		SP	R-0
AA	Jaime Garcia		SP	R-0
AA	Denard Span		CF	R-0
AA	Luke Hochevar		SP	R-0

Eastside Taintstains Offseason Roster

Team: Eastside Taintstains	Owner: Ben Bridgeman
2008 Payroll: 53.25	2008 Remaining: 31.75 + 1.75 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	David Wright	10,000,000	3B	4
2	Jose Reyes	10,000,000	SS	3
3	Grady Sizemore	8,500,000	CF	3
4	Jimmy Rollins	7,750,000	SS	2
5	Manny Ramirez	7,000,000	LF	1
6	Scott Kazmir	4,750,000	SP	1
7	Josh Beckett	2,750,000	SP	1
8	Troy Glaus	2,500,000	3B,SS	1
AAA	Edinson Volquez		SP	R-1
AA	Adam Miller		SP	R-0
AA	Franklin Morales		SP	R-0
AA	Travis Snider		RF	R-0
AA	Eric Patterson		2B	R-0
AA	Eric Campbell		3B	R-0
AA	Michael Bowden		SP	R-0
AA	Chin Lung Hu		SS	R-0
AA	Sean Gallagher		SP	R-0

Too Drunk To Function Offseason Roster

Team: Too Drunk To Function	Owner: Andrew Johnson
2008 Payroll: 51.75	2008 Remaining: 33.25 + 1 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Alfonzo Soriano	11,000,000	CF	2+C
2	Carl Crawford	9,250,000	LF	4
3	C.C. Sabathia	6,750,000	SP	1
4	Garrett Atkins	5,500,000	3B	2
5	Michael Young	5,000,000	SS	2
6	John Lackey	4,750,000	SP	1
7	Jered Weaver	4,000,000	SP	1+P
8	Justin Verlander	2,500,000	SP	2
9	Richie Sexson	1,500,000	1B	1
10	Chris Iannetta	750,000	C	R-1
11	Akinori Iwamura	250,000	3B	R-1
12	Ryan Theriot	250,000	2B	R-1
13	Kosuke Fukudome	250,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Scott Thorman		1B	R-1
AAA	Erick Aybar		SS	R-1
AAA	Adam Jones		CF	R-1
AA	Joe Koshansky		1B	R-0