The Hardcore League Season Preview

It seemed like just yesterday that the Meaty Urologists won the inaugural Hardcore League championship. All of the team's winnings have barely hit the strip club floor, and it's time for a new season already! With the free agent signing and prospect draft last weekend, here is a breakdown of how each club fared:

2 Piece and a Biscuit

Best Signing: Magglio Ordonez ($6.75 Million). With the loss of Matt Holliday, a big bat needed to be put in 2 Piece's lineup. They re-signed last year's midseason acquisition for nearly half the price tag of Holliday.

Worst: Carlos Beltran ($7.25 MM). The other big free agent splash is a guy who had off-season knee surgeries on both knees. Beltran is still relatively young, but this is a steep price for a guy with some question marks.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Chipper Jones. I could mention a bunch of "if's" here. He has played in 137, 109, 110, and 134 games from 2004-2007. Luckily 2 Piece has a lot of 3B and UTIL depth to fill in for the eventual missed time.

Zip Code Huuuge: Pedro Martinez. Behind Oswalt and Wainwright, Pedro is the 3rd starter. 2 Piece is pitching-rich in the minors, but the Major League level needs a lot of luck to keep up with the offense.

James Madison Gang

Best Signing: John Smoltz ($3.75 MM). Extremely cheap for a starter of Smoltz's caliber. Despite missing his first start of the year, he's not old and busted yet.

Worst: J.J. Putz ($4 MM). This isn't your typical "worst signing," as the JMG did not spend over $5 MM for any free agent. Unfortunately, the market for closers went way down after Putz was signed.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Jeremy Bonderman. He is making a lot of money, and was disgustingly bad in the second half of '07. JMG really needs Bonderman to rebound and at least be solid in the rotation.

Zip Code Huuuge: Conor Jackson and Stephen Drew. Getting anything of value out of these two in '08 will be enormous for The Gang's offense.

Channel 4 News Team

Best Signing: Robinson Cano ($4.25 MM). He probably should have stood pat with Cano at second base instead of...

Worst: B. J. Upton ($6.25 MM). This is a little more than what Upton should be worth in '08, but there is potential for this to be a bargain a year or two from now. With only one good year under his belt, this was a slight reach.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Alex Gordon. The club has him for four years to find out if it was worth trading Ryan Braun. Old school Meaty Urologist fans were obviously upset, but the new generation of C4NT fans can't wait to see AG on the field.

Zip Code Huuuge: Miguel Tejada. Lots of questions surrounding the other Miggy this off-season. He has the potential to return to greatness in Houston. Or the potential to sink the News Team's quest for a repeat.

Eastside Taintstains

Best Signing: Carlos Marmol ($1.5 MM). It is always nice to pick up a young arm who has nasty stuff and closer potential. The price tag is about right for the market, but there is a lot of upside value and this could/should be a multi-year deal.

Worst: The $7.25 MM left over in cap room. The Taintstains had ZERO transactions last year, so there is no reason to leave any money on the table. This could have been spent on a number of players to add depth, especially with three SP's starting the season on the DL.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Manny Ramirez. He is one of 5 Taintstains making $7 MM and up. If Manny earns his money, this team might have one of the best offenses in the league.

Zip Code Huuuge: Fausto Carmona and Tim Hudson. Another team with questions on it's pitching staff. These two will have to carry the load for a while until the big boys (Beckett and Kazmir) return to form. After that, they will still need solid seasons for E.T. to finish in the top half of the standings.

Viagra Falls Snake Charmers

Best Signing: Adam Laroche ($1 MM). Because of the signing below, the VFSC had to go cheap with a lot of players. Laroche is steady, and a great value for a million. Plus, for the months when Richie Sexson will hit .180, Laroche can step in.

Worst: Matt Holliday ($12 MM). The Charmers' owner would probably disagree with this one. To his credit though, the fans wanted Holliday badly, and they got him.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: The Entire Infield (Sexson, Theriot, M. Young, Atkins, E. Aybar, Zimmerman). We know the OF's can hit, but there could be a lot of bad stats coming from at least half of these guys.

Zip Code Huuuge: Hiroki Kuroda. Another team, more rotation questions. With injuries here as well, Kuroda needs to be solid to above average for the pitching staff to be any good.

Uncle Teddy & the Revolution

Best Signing: Brandon Webb ($7.5 MM). With a lot of money to burn, Uncle Teddy needed to make a big splash somewhere. He missed out on Holliday and Peavy, and took Webb for a great value.

Worst: Rafael Betancourt ($2.75 MM). Despite the lights-out '07 stats and closer potential, this was about $750,000 too much, compared to what other set-up men went for.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Felix Hernandez. It appears that everyone is coming back to earth after expecting a 25-0, 1.11 ERA, and 400 strikeout year from King Felix. The lofty expectations were put on him at a young age, but even a slight improvement over last year's numbers will be big for Uncle Teddy.

Zip Code Huuuge: Delmon Young. Mr. Kennedy hates looking like an idiot. In year two of a four year deal, Delmon Young will have to show that he earned that contract.

Thunder Guts

Best Signing: John Maine ($2 MM). With a lot of money tied up in two players, the Guts needed to make deals like this, Ben Sheets ($2.5 MM), and James Shields ($3 MM).

Worst: Jake McGee ($2.75). The Guts got a little prospect-happy in making McGee the 9th highest paid player in the organization.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Albert Pujols. It's very slim that Albert will be more valuable than what the Guts are paying him. The day he gets shut down for the season to have elbow surgery should be the kickoff to a tremendous Thunder Guts fire sale.

Zip Code Huuuge: The team's GM. The Guts aren't a horrible team for '08, but will have a tough chance contending with the upper echelon of the Hardcore League. So it is highly important that the team make wise trades throughout the season to prepare itself for a comeback in 2009.

The Death Ro

Best Signing: Rich Hill ($3 MM). This should be a good value for '08. Way better if this is a multi-year deal.

Worst: Brad Hawpe ($4.75 MM). Death Ro got tied up in a bidding war with the Thunder Guts and this one got way out of hand. Swisher, Hermida, or Byrnes could have been had for at least a million dollars cheaper, or for $2 MM more, they could have had Magglio Ordonez.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Yunel Escobar. The youngster gives TDR a lot of flexibility up the middle. Escobar will need to be productive early and often to stay in the potent Death Ro lineup.

Zip Code Huuuge: Carlos Zambrano and Daisuke Matsuzaka. Both of these pitchers underperformed expectations last year. For Zambrano, it may have been a fluke. If both are at the top of their game in '08, The Death Ro might not relinquish his hold on first place this time around.

The Champ is Here

Best Signing: Jake Peavy ($9.5 MM). Not because the price was cheap, but SP's were much needed by The Champ. Between this deal and the Verlander trade, the pitching staff looks a lot better than it was a year ago.

Worst: Chase Headley ($1.75 MM). Another prospect-happy pickup. If Headley does better than Kevin Kouzmanoff's first year with the Padres, this may not look as bad.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Andruw Jones. This is the year we find out if Jones has completely fallen off, or if he is safe to draft again.

Zip Code Huuuge: Jose Valverde and Francisco Cordero. The Champ went out and signed the two closers that everyone is skeptical about this year. If they come close to, or meet last year's numbers, The Champ will look like a genius.

The Lousy Street Weasels

Best Signing: Todd Helton ($2 MM). He's no longer a fantasy monster, but Todd Helton isn't completely useless yet. Like the Thunder Guts, the Weasels needed to make moves like this because of a lot of money tied up in its top players.

Worst: Jason Heyward ($2.25 MM). And like the Thunder Guts, the Weasels do something puzzling like this. It's bad enough another owner wanted to spend $2 million on Heyward, who is at least two, probably 3+ years away.

This Guy Needs to be Huge: Wells, Hafner, and Bay. Lots of money on lots of disappointment.

Zip Code Huuuge: Francisco Liriano and Matt Kemp. They were both signed in 2007 because of their impact in 2008. They need to meet the Weasels' expectations to have jobs in 2009.

This Week in Hardcore - 3/27/08

Welcome to the first 2008 edition of This Week in Hardcore! We'll get you ready for the new season of Hardcore League action by rounding up the offseason moves and giving you a list of what to watch for this season. Be sure to check out our quick tour around the league as we break down each club's major free agent signings.

Last weekend wrapped up the offseason signing and trading period for the league, and what a period it was. While the spending didn't quite live up to the hype, there were a few surprises in the market and a couple of teams changed from "Pretenders" to "Contenders" overnight. There were also three trades, two of them blockbusters, to catch you up on. All this and more in This Week In Hardcore!

Trade Talk

The talk of the league was the deal between the Thunder-Guts and Uncle Teddy and the Revolution that broke just before the free agent signing period. The Thunder-Guts, looking to restock their farm system, sent All-Star catcher Russell Martin to the Revolution for Jason Saltalamaccia and the eighth pick in the upcoming draft, who turned out to be Carlos Triunfel. Other owners were shocked at the news, immediately claiming that they would have given more for Martin. The front office of the Revolution has to be happy with this one.

The other big trade this week sent Justin Verlander to Champ for Chris Duncan and $3mil in cap space. The Snake Charmers were looking to clear some cap room to make a run at some key free agents, but the price was steep, as Verlander was looking to be quite a deal for the upcoming season. The Snake Charmers were able to sign their target, but we'll see how it plays out during the season.

The third trade involved the Revolution again, this time sending Matt Garza to the James Madison Gang for Howie Kendrick. This was another salary dump, as it provided cap room to the Presidents. Kendrick is signed for the next three seasons.

Signings

Matt Holliday was the big winner of the day, cashing a $12mil deal from the Snake Charmers. He will join Alfonso Soriano and Carl Crawford in what media outlets are already calling the 30 Million Dollar Outfield. Other Viagra Falls signings of note are Ryan Zimmerman and Dustin McGowen.

The Champ Is Here opened up the checkbook for Jake Peavy to the tune of $9.25 million, making him the second highest paid free agent. Ironically, Peavy still takes a pay cut in the deal. Champ was also able to pick up outfielders Alex Rios and Eric Byrnes. Rookie Chase Headley was acquired for $1.75 million.

2 Piece and a Biscuit kept with the outfield restructuring theme, adding Carlos Beltran and Magglio Ordonez for a total of $14 million. Chone Figgins and Chipper Jones will split time at third. Rookie Steven Pearce inked a $2 million deal with the Fighting Fried Chickens.

Last year's champions, The Channel Four Newsteam, picked up Victor Martinez and BJ Upton for $6.25 million each and also brought in second baseman Robinson Cano for $4.25 million. In a speculative offer, the C4NT made Barry Bonds a token offer of $750,000 to see if he will come out of "retirement."

Brandon Webb might end up being the steal of this offseason. The Revolution were able to pick him up for a meager $7.25 million dollars. Carlos Pena was rewarded with a $5 million deal to play first for Uncle Teddy. Chris B Young was brought back after the club was able to renegotiate his contract down to $4.5 million for the '08 season.

The Taintstains snagged Fausto Carmona for $5.25 million, which could be a bargain if he can duplicate his breakout 2007 campaign. With little cap money to go around, the Taintstains' biggest offensive signing was Jeremy Hermida for $3.25 million, while adding Tim Hudson to the rotation for $2.5 million.

The Lousy Street Weasels bolstered their offense with the signings of Curtis Granderson and Carlos Guillen. The pair cost the club $10.25 million. Chein-Meng Wang was the most notable pitcher added to the staff this offseason. Rookies Geovany Soto and Jason Heyward combined for $4 million in salary, helping the club with a rebuilding effort.

The Thunder-Guts top signee, Kelvim Escobar, blew his arm out in camp and will miss the entire season. Jamie Shields, Ben Sheets, and John Maine were also added this offseason and will hopefully shore up the pitching staff. The club spent $10.75 million on the four starters, one of which will not throw an inning this year. Adrian Beltre was the top offensive signing of the offseason for the Guts. Rookie Johnny Cueto was signed for $1.25 million.

Death Ro locked up Brad Hawpe and Joe Mauer for a total of $9 million, solving a catching situation that had club brass looking trade earlier in the offseason. Rich Hill joins the club as the fourth starter and Takashi Saito will anchor the bullpen. Edgar Renteria signed a $2.75 million deal to be the team's everyday shortstop.

Brian Roberts, Corey Hart and Roy Halladay were the big signings for the James Madison Gang, each getting $4.75 million for next season. Roberts and Hart will try to help an offense that was the worst in the league last season. JJ Putz, Bobby Jenks, and Mariano Rivera form a revamped bullpen for the Gang. JR Towles was the only rookie signed to a major league contract by the Madisons.

Rookie Cuts

Jeremy Guthrie
Chris Black Young
Chris Lubanski
German Duran
Kevin Kouzmanoff
Max Scherzer
Brian Bannister
Adam Lind
Andy LaRoche

All these players will be available during the free agent signing period March 22nd.

Award Bonuses

Owner	Bonus
Justin Rohour	$1,750,000
Ben Bridgman	$1,750,000
Jah Slowness	$1,500,000
Andrew Johnson	$1,000,000
Scott Curry	$750,000
Eric Ferguson	$500,000
Thomas Richards	$500,000
Shaun Kennedy	$500,000
David Inlow	$500,000
Tony Pellegrino	$500,000

Uncle Teddy Press Conference

Hello everyone, this morning I would like to announce that the Uncle Teddy franchise is heading into a new direction. While we were not serious contenders in the 2007 season, we feel we are set up to win the Hardcore League in each of the next three seasons. With the young talent we have and some of the greatest baseball minds in our front office, we feel we are the best organization in the Hardcore League.

While taking a "building" approach in 2007, we feel comfortable dropping the Azzkickers (or Azzslappers) from our team name. From now on, we shall be known as Uncle Teddy and the Revolution.

Our team's staff remains mostly the same from 2007. We have made some minor tweaks that will help us win those three championships. New members to the Uncle Teddy Franchise are listed with an asterisk by it. We welcome them into the Uncle Teddy family and they also share the vision that we have in dominating our opponents.

Field Staff

Manager: Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy

Hitting Coach: Felix Jose

Pitching Coach: Jack Bauer*

Bench Coach: Peyton Manning (w/ a chart full of audibles)

Bullpen Catcher: MacGyver*

Batboy: Dwight Schrute*

Ugly Coach: All of the Rams’ Cheerleaders*

Buffet Coach: Jack Box

Management

GM: Thurman Thomas

Training Staff: The Pussycat Dolls

Radio/TV

Play by Play Guy: Gorilla Monsoon*

Colored Man: Cedric The Entertainer*

Studio Guy: Frank Caliendo impersonating Jim Rome

Entertainment

PA Announcer: Dennis Haysbert (as President Palmer)*

Anthem Singer: The Meaty Cheesy Boys*

PR Director: William Jefferson Clinton

Celebrity Fan: Alfonso Ribeiro

Mascot: Pork Steaks

Fight Song: The Saved by the Bell theme song*

Marketing Campaign: “Newly renovated Whorehouse and Casino on level 3”*

Stadium Sponsor: Ranken Tech (full name: The Death Pit at Ranken Technical College Field)

Meaty Urologists Announce Name Change, Satanic Ties

Confirming rumors that had long circulated on the Internets, Meaty Urologists GM Eric Ferguson confirmed the team’s name change to “The Channel Four News Team.”

“Our research found that people were more willing to wear t-shirts, hats, etc., if they made no mention of “meatiness” or urology. As GM of this storied franchise, it is my duty to give the people what they want.”

In other C4 news, Ferguson remained noncommittal regarding whether any of his front office staff would return for the ’08 season.

“It’s easy for people to point at our ’07 results and say, ‘Obviously, those people earned their keep.’ But I think anyone with a half a monkey’s brain can see that the deal I cut with Satan was the key. And I’m not saying that Satanism is a foolproof road map to fantasy success … but it is. I’m just proud of myself for having the fortitude to experiment with the dark arts.

“So really, the hero here, like I’ve always said, is me.”

Meaty Urologists Announce Trade Deadline for Rasmus

Meaty Urologists GM Eric Ferguson emerged from a drunken stupor Thursday just long enough to comment on his team’s continued pursuit of Colby Rasmus. The results were anything but coherent.

“You tell that no-good rotten crotch David Inlow that we’ve got plenty of dollars and players and people and stuff. It’s all on the table. All I’m asking is – wait a minute, I’m not asking, I’m telling! I’m setting a deadline of January 5, 2007, to get something done with that Rasmus kid or else my people will have to have a little talk with his kneecaps.”

When informed that it was actually 2008, Ferguson remained firm on the previously announced deadline.

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” he said.

The Urologists’ package is believed to include Jacoby Ellsbury and at least one of their JV prospects (Reid Brignac, Jed Lowrie, Chris Lubanksi, Wladimir Balentien, etc.).

Trade Announcement: Guitar Face and Uncle Teddy

Guitar Face gets:
Kevin Kouzmanoff ($1,750,000, R-1)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Jarrod Saltalamachia ($250,000, R-1)

Trade Announcement: Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy

Meaty Urologists get:
Alex Gordon ($5,750,000 for 4)
Matt Cain ($4,750,000 for 1)
Tim Lincecum ($1,500,000 for 2)
Brandon Wood ($750,000, R-0)
Andrew McCutchen ($0, R-0)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Cole Hamels ($3,500,000 for 2)
Ryan Braun ($250,000, R-1)
Juan Pierre ($3,500,000 for 1+P)
Nancy Drew ($1,500,000 for 1+V)

Well done gentlemen. I guess the Hot Stove Cafe is open for business.

Trade Talks Between MU and Uncle Teddy Hit Snag

A potential blockbuster deal between the Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy's Azz Kickers was put on hold Saturday, as a transcript of a phone call concerning the trade was leaked to and published in the Hardcore Times. The Times refused to reveal the source of the leak. Both MU and UT representatives refused comment.

A portion of the transcript follows:

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the best-looking GM in the game? ... Exactly right, Denise. Is Shaun there? ... Sure I'll hold. ... Shaun. Hey, how you doin'? Got a question for you. You guys looking for a (player info redacted)? ... You are. Good, 'cause I'm looking to deal (player name redacted). ... Yeah, look, I'd do this if I were you. And I'm not shitting you here, Shaun. I'm being honest with you. You check with your people and I'll call back after my three o'clock "massage." You didn't see it, but I put quotation marks on "massage."

(fifteen minutes later)

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the coolest GM in the game? ... Right again, Denise. Is Shaun there?

High-ranking sources believe that J.D. Drew and/or Chris Lubanski might be targets on the Uncle Teddy side. The Meaty Urologists are believed to have interest in Prince Fielder or a six-pack of Natural Light.