Trade Announcement: Guitar Face and Uncle Teddy

Guitar Face gets:
Kevin Kouzmanoff ($1,750,000, R-1)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Jarrod Saltalamachia ($250,000, R-1)

Trade Announcement: Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy

Meaty Urologists get:
Alex Gordon ($5,750,000 for 4)
Matt Cain ($4,750,000 for 1)
Tim Lincecum ($1,500,000 for 2)
Brandon Wood ($750,000, R-0)
Andrew McCutchen ($0, R-0)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Cole Hamels ($3,500,000 for 2)
Ryan Braun ($250,000, R-1)
Juan Pierre ($3,500,000 for 1+P)
Nancy Drew ($1,500,000 for 1+V)

Well done gentlemen. I guess the Hot Stove Cafe is open for business.

Trade Talks Between MU and Uncle Teddy Hit Snag

A potential blockbuster deal between the Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy's Azz Kickers was put on hold Saturday, as a transcript of a phone call concerning the trade was leaked to and published in the Hardcore Times. The Times refused to reveal the source of the leak. Both MU and UT representatives refused comment.

A portion of the transcript follows:

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the best-looking GM in the game? ... Exactly right, Denise. Is Shaun there? ... Sure I'll hold. ... Shaun. Hey, how you doin'? Got a question for you. You guys looking for a (player info redacted)? ... You are. Good, 'cause I'm looking to deal (player name redacted). ... Yeah, look, I'd do this if I were you. And I'm not shitting you here, Shaun. I'm being honest with you. You check with your people and I'll call back after my three o'clock "massage." You didn't see it, but I put quotation marks on "massage."

(fifteen minutes later)

Eric Ferguson: Denise. Eric Ferguson, Owner and General Manager of the Meaty Urologists. Denise, who is the coolest GM in the game? ... Right again, Denise. Is Shaun there?

High-ranking sources believe that J.D. Drew and/or Chris Lubanski might be targets on the Uncle Teddy side. The Meaty Urologists are believed to have interest in Prince Fielder or a six-pack of Natural Light.

Meaty Urologists Woo Holliday

With some time off before the start of the World Series, Colorado Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday paid a visit to the Meaty Urologists' training facility in East St. Louis on Wednesday. After a brief workout in the MU weight room, GM Eric Ferguson took Holliday out for a lunch buffet at one of the local gentlemen's establishments.

"We had a good talk," Ferguson said. "I made our feelings known, and he expressed genuine interest in our club. He made a point of mentioning how excited he was by the prospect of playing with Jed Lowrie in a couple years."

Holliday, possibly the biggest free agent on the market this offseason, finished with a .340-36-137 line to go with 11 steals and a .405 OBP. He would represent a considerable upgrade for the Urologists, who employed a haphazard platoon of Pat Burrell, Josh Willingham, and Jacoby Ellsbury in left this season.

"We know there will be competition for his services," Ferguson said. "But we feel our team chemistry and access to high-quality ladies of the night make us the front-runners."

2 Piece Offseason Roster

Team: 2 Piece & a Biscuit	Owner: Thomas Richards
2008 Payroll: 41.5	2008 Remaining: 43.5 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Chase Utley	8,500,000	2B	2
2	Roy Oswalt	8,500,000	SP	1
3	Mark Teixeira	8,000,000	1B	3
4	Bobby Abreu	5,250,000	RF	1
5	Jon Papelbon	3,000,000	SP	4
6	Adam Wainwright	2,500,000	SP	3
7	Jeremy Sowers	750,000	SP	2
8	Homer Bailey	2,500,000	SP	R-0
9	Philip Hughes	750,000	SP	R-1
10	Micah Owings	250,000	SP	R-1
11	Carlos Villanueva	250,000	RP	R-1
12	Yusmeiro Petit	250,000	SP	R-1
13	Josh Fields	250,000	3B	R-1
14	Tony Pena	250,000	RP	R-1
AAA	Chris Marrero	250,000	LF	R-0
AAA	Joey Votto	250,000	1B	R-0
AA	Clayton Kershaw		SP	R-0
AA	Chuck Lofgren		SP	R-0
AA	Jeff Niemann		SP	R-0
AA	Humberto Sanchez		SP	R-0

Guitar Face Offseason Roster

Team: Guitar Face	Owner: Tony Pellegrino
2008 Payroll: 51.0	2008 Remaining: 34.0 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Miguel Cabrera	10,500,000	3B	4+V
2	Vlad Guerrero	9,000,000	RF	1+C
3	Jeremy Bonderman	6,000,000	SP	2
4	Adam Dunn	5,000,000	LF	2
5	Brian McCann	4,500,000	C	3
6	Howie Kendrick	3,250,000	2B,1B	3
7	Conor Jackson	2,000,000	1B	1
8	Stephen Drew	2,000,000	SS	2
9	Joel Zumaya	2,000,000	RP	2
10	Anthony Reyes	1,750,000	SP	1+B
11	Eric Bedard	1,750,000	SP	2
12	Willy Taveras	1,500,000	CF	1
13	Billy Butler	250,000	RF	R-1
14	Reggie Willits	250,000	OF	R-1
15	Asdrubal Cabrera	250,000	SS	R-1
16	Dustin Pedroia	250,000	2B	R-1
AAA	Joba Chamberlain	250,000	SP	R-0
AAA	Clay Buchholz	250,000	SP	R-0
AAA	Jeff Clement	250,000	C	R-0
AA	Jay Bruce		RF	R-0
AA	Wade Davis		SP	R-0
AA	Jose Tabata		RF	R-0
AA	Nick Adenhart		SP	R-0
AA	Philip Humber		SP	R-0
AA	Fernando Martinez		CF	R-0
AA	Eric Hurley		SP	R-0

Uncle Teddy Offseason Roster

Team: Uncle Teddy	Owner: Shaun Kennedy
2008 Payroll: 38.25	2008 Remaining: 46.75 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Hanley Ramirez	5,750,000	SS	3
2	Delmon Young	5,500,000	RF	3
3	Prince Fielder	5,500,000	1B	2+P
4	Felix Hernandez	4,500,000	SP	1+C
5	Cole Hamels	3,500,000	SP	2
6	Juan Pierre	3,500,000	CF	1+P
7	Nick Markakis	2,500,000	LF	2+B
8	Torii Hunter	1,750,000	CF	1
9	J.D. Drew	1,500,000	RF	1+V
10	Matt Garza	1,000,000	SP	1
11	Josh Johnson	250,000	SP	1
12	Jarrod Saltalamacchia	250,000	C	R-1
13	Ryan Braun	250,000	3B	R-1
14	Manny Corpas	250,000	RP	R-1
15	Yovani Gallardo	250,000	SP	R-1
16	Felix Pie	250,000	CF	R-1
17	Justin Upton	250,000	CF	R-1
AAA	Cameron Maybin	750,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Ian Kennedy	250,000	SP	R-0
AAA	Evan Longoria	250,000	3B	R-0
AAA	Rick Porcello	250,000	SP	R-0
AA	Carlos Gonzalez		RF	R-0
AA	David Price		SP	R-0
AA	Daric Barton		1B	R-0
AA	Matt Wieters		C,RP	R-0
AA	Carlos Carrasco		SP	R-0

The Champ is Here Offseason Roster

Team: The Champ Is Here	Owner: Scott Curry
2008 Payroll: 37.75	2008 Remaining: 47.25 + .75 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Lance Berkman	9,500,000	RF,1B	2
2	Aramis Ramirez	6,500,000	3B	3
3	Rafael Furcal	5,000,000	SS	1
4	Andruw Jones	4,500,000	CF	3
5	Adrian Gonzalez	3,500,000	1B	2+C
6	Barry Zito	3,250,000	SP	1+P
7	Jeff Francoeur	2,500,000	RF	2
8	Chris Duncan	1,500,000	LF,RF	1+V
9	Chad Billingsley	1,000,000	SP	2+B
10	John Danks	250,000	SP	R-1
11	Hunter Pence	250,000	CF	R-1
AAA	Travis Buck		LF	R-1
AA	Scott Elbert		SP	R-0
AA	Glen Perkins		SP	R-0
AA	Craig Hansen		RP	R-0
AA	Brian Barton		CF	R-0
AA	Troy Patton		SP	R-0
AA	Matt Harrison		SP	R-0
AA	Ryan Sweeney		RF	R-0

Death Ro Offseason Roster

Team: Death Ro	Owner: Justin Rohour
2008 Payroll: 53.75	2008 Remaining: 31.25 + 1.75 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Alex Rodriguez	9,750,000	3B	1
2	Carlos Zambrano	9,250,000	SP	2
3	Carlos Lee	7,000,000	LF	2
4	Derrek Lee	6,750,000	1B	1+V
5	Ichiro Suzuki	5,250,000	RF	2
6	Daisuke Matsuzaka	5,000,000	SP	2+C
7	Chris Young	4,750,000	SP	1+P
8	Hideki Matsui	3,000,000	LF	2
9	Brandan Phillips	2,500,000	2B	1+B
10	Josh Hamilton	250,000	CF	R-1
11	Yunel Escobar	250,000	2B	R-1
AAA	Mike Pelfrey		SP	R-1
AAA	Kei Igawa		SP	R-1
AAA	Jason Hirsh		SP	R-1
AA	Carlos Gomez		CF	R-0
AA	Jeff Samardzija		SP	R-0
AA	Brent Clevlen		CF	R-0

Thunder Guts Offseason Roster

Team: Thunder-Guts	Owner: Jah Slowness
2008 Payroll: 54.5	2008 Remaining: 30.5 + 1.5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Albert Pujols	14,500,000	1B	4
2	Johan Santana	13,250,000	SP	2
3	Justin Morneau	6,750,000	1B	3
4	Derek Jeter	5,500,000	SS	1+B
5	Francisco Rodriguez	4,250,000	RP	3
6	Aaron Harang	3,500,000	SP	1+P
7	Felipe Lopez	2,500,000	SS	2
8	Russell Martin	1,250,000	C	1
9	Scott Olsen	1,250,000	SP	1
10	Troy Tulowitzki	1,250,000	SS	R-1
11	Pat Neshek	500,000	RP	R-1
AA	Kevin Slowey		SP	R-1
AA	Eric Duncan		3B	R-0

Meaty Urologists Offseason Roster

Team: Meaty Urologists	Owner: Eric Ferguson
2008 Payroll: 45	2008 Remaining: 40 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Ryan Howard	10,250,000	1B	2+C
2	David Ortiz	8,000,000	DH	2
3	Alex Gordon	5,750,000	3B	4
4	Miguel Tejada	5,000,000	SS	1+B
5	Matt Cain	4,750,000	SP	1
6	Billy Wagner	4,250,000	RP	1
7	Trevor Hoffman	2,500,000	RP	1
8	Tim Lincecum	1,500,000	SP	2
9	Hideki Okajima	250,000	RP	R-1
AAA	Jacoby Ellsbury	250,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Brandon Wood	750,000	SS,3B	R-0
AAA	Matt LaPorta	500,000	LF	R-0
AAA	Wladimir Balentien	250,000	RF	R-0
AAA	Jed Lowrie	250,000	SS	R-0
AAA	Mike Moustakas	250,000	C	R-0
AAA	Josh Vitters	250,000	3B	R-0
AAA	Pedro Alvarez	250,000	3B	R-0
AA	Reid Brignac		SS	R-0
AA	Andrew McCutchen		CF	R-0

Three Shots Offseason Roster

Team: Duncan’s Stealing Second	Owner: David Inlow
2008 Payroll: 48.75	2008 Remaining: 36.25 + .5 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Chris Carpenter	9,250,000	SP	1
2	Vernon Wells	8,000,000	CF	2
3	Travis Hafner	7,750,000	DH	1+V
4	Jason Bay	6,500,000	LF	2
5	Joe Nathan	5,250,000	RP	2
6	Dan Haren	3,750,000	SP	1
7	Ian Kinsler	3,250,000	2B	1
8	Matt Kemp	2,250,000	CF	1
9	Francisco Liriano	2,250,000	SP	1+C
10	Andrew Miller	250,000	SP	R-1
11	James Loney	250,000	1B	R-1
AA	Colby Rasmus		CF	R-0
AA	Ian Stewart		3B	R-0
AA	Donald Veal		SP	R-0
AA	Chris Volstad		SP	R-0
AA	Jaime Garcia		SP	R-0
AA	Denard Span		CF	R-0
AA	Luke Hochevar		SP	R-0

Eastside Taintstains Offseason Roster

Team: Eastside Taintstains	Owner: Ben Bridgeman
2008 Payroll: 53.25	2008 Remaining: 31.75 + 1.75 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	David Wright	10,000,000	3B	4
2	Jose Reyes	10,000,000	SS	3
3	Grady Sizemore	8,500,000	CF	3
4	Jimmy Rollins	7,750,000	SS	2
5	Manny Ramirez	7,000,000	LF	1
6	Scott Kazmir	4,750,000	SP	1
7	Josh Beckett	2,750,000	SP	1
8	Troy Glaus	2,500,000	3B,SS	1
AAA	Edinson Volquez		SP	R-1
AA	Adam Miller		SP	R-0
AA	Franklin Morales		SP	R-0
AA	Travis Snider		RF	R-0
AA	Eric Patterson		2B	R-0
AA	Eric Campbell		3B	R-0
AA	Michael Bowden		SP	R-0
AA	Chin Lung Hu		SS	R-0
AA	Sean Gallagher		SP	R-0

Too Drunk To Function Offseason Roster

Team: Too Drunk To Function	Owner: Andrew Johnson
2008 Payroll: 51.75	2008 Remaining: 33.25 + 1 bonus

	Player Name	Salary	Pos	Yrs
1	Alfonzo Soriano	11,000,000	CF	2+C
2	Carl Crawford	9,250,000	LF	4
3	C.C. Sabathia	6,750,000	SP	1
4	Garrett Atkins	5,500,000	3B	2
5	Michael Young	5,000,000	SS	2
6	John Lackey	4,750,000	SP	1
7	Jered Weaver	4,000,000	SP	1+P
8	Justin Verlander	2,500,000	SP	2
9	Richie Sexson	1,500,000	1B	1
10	Chris Iannetta	750,000	C	R-1
11	Akinori Iwamura	250,000	3B	R-1
12	Ryan Theriot	250,000	2B	R-1
13	Kosuke Fukudome	250,000	CF	R-0
AAA	Scott Thorman		1B	R-1
AAA	Erick Aybar		SS	R-1
AAA	Adam Jones		CF	R-1
AA	Joe Koshansky		1B	R-0

Transactions - 8/8/07

2 Piece and a Biscuit
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Sign:
Tony Pena($250,000)

Release:
Carlos Villanueva

The Death Ro
(cap +$250,000)
Recall to MLB:
Yunel Escobar($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Carlos Quentin

Uncle Teddy
Recall to MLB:
Felix Pie

Transactions - 8/1/07

Uncle Teddy
(cap +$500,000, released +$4,500,000)
Sign:
Manny Corpas($250,000)
Ian Kennedy($250,000)

Release:
Matt Capps
Rickie Weeks
Randy Wolf

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000, released +$1,000,000)
Sign:
Pedro Alvarez($250,000)

Release:
Bartolo Colon
Brendan Harris
Jack Cust

Activate from DL:
Miguel Tejada
Mike Piazza

2 Piece and a Biscuit
(cap +$750,000)
Sign:
Jeff Keppinger($250,000)
Pedro Feliz($250,000)
Chris Marrero($250,000)

DL:
Chase Utley
Chris Ray

Transactions - 7/25/08

2 Piece and a Biscuit
(cap +$250,000, released +$3,250,000)
Sign:
Noah Lowry($250,000)

Release:
Joe Crede
Jose Contreras

DL:
Chris Ray
Philip Hughes

Activate from DL:
Moises Alou

Uncle Teddy
(cap +$250,000, released +$750,000)
Sign:
Carlos Marmol($250,000)

Release:
Patrick Duffy

DL:
Michael Cuddyer
Daisy Fuentes

Duncan's Stealing Second
(cap +$250,000)
Recall to MLB:
Andrew Miller($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Ervin Santana

Transactions - 7/17/07

Death Ro
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Dmitri Young($250,000)

Demote to AAA:
Marcus Giles($250,000)

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000)
Sign to AAA:
Jed Lowrie($250,000)

Trade Announcement: Meaty Urologists and Guitar Face

Meaty Urologists get:
Brendan Webb, SP ($7,750,000)
Ian Snell, SP ($1,750,000)
Jhonny Peralta, SS ($750,000)

Guitar Face gets:
Erik Bedard, SP ($1,750,000)

Salary Implications:
The Meaty Urologists are taking on $3 million in cap room, while Guitar Face is losing $3 million in cap room.

Trade Announcement: Meaty Urologists and Uncle Teddy

Meaty Urologists get:
Ben Sheets, SP ($5,000,000)

Uncle Teddy gets:
Felix Pie, CF ($250,000)
Meaty Urologists' first pick in the 2008 Minor League draft.

Salary Implications:
The Meaty Urologists are taking on $2.5 million in cap room, while Uncle Teddy is losing $2.5 million in cap room.

Trade Announcement: Thunder-Guts and Guitar Face

Thunder Guts get:
Jake Peavy, SP ($9,000,000)
Shane Victorino, OF($500,000)
Brad Hennessey, SP/RP ($250,000)
$1 million cash

Guitar Face gets:
Jeremy Bonderman, SP ($6,000,000)
Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C/1B ($0)
Dustin Pedroia, 2B/SS ($0)

Salary Implications:
The Thunder Guts are taking on $1 million in cap room, while Guitar face is losing $1 million in cap room.

Transactions - 7/11/07

Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers
(cap +$500,000)
Sign:
Jeremy Guthrie($250,000)
Johnny Estrada($250,000)

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000)
Sign to AAA:
Wladimir Balentien($250,000)

Release:
Kory Casto

Guitar Face
(cap +$1,000,000, released +$1,750,000)
Sign:
David Weathers($250,000)
Joba Chamberlain($250,000)
Jeff Clement($250,000)
Asdrubal Cabrera($250,000)

Release:
Nick Punto
Aubrey Huff
Matt Murton

DL:
Al Reyes

Trade Announcement: 2 Piece & a Biscuit and Uncle Teddy

2 Piece & a Biscuit gets:
Roy Halliday, SP ($7,250,000)
$3.75 million cash

Uncle Teddy gets:
Carlos Carrasco, SP ($0)
2 Piece's first pick in the 2008 Minor League draft.

Salary Implications:
The $3.75 million in cash sent to 2 Piece & a Biscuit will cover the difference in salary, so no cap numbers are affected.

Trade Announcement: The Death Ro and Guitar Face

Death Ro gets:
Kelvim Escobar, SP ($1,750,000)

Guitar Face gets:
Clay Buchholtz, SP ($0)
Wade Davis, SP ($0)

Salary Implications:
Guitar Face will see their cap space increase by $1 million, with the Death Ro taking on that $1 million against their cap.

Transactions - 7/4/07

2 Piece & a Biscuit
(cap +$500,000, released +$250,000)
Sign:
Carlos Villanueva($250,000)
Kevin Gregg($250,000)

Release:
Mike Timlin

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000)
Recall to MLB:
Jacoby Ellsbury($250,000)

Demote to AAA:
Felix Pie

Transactions - 6/27/07

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$500,000)
Sign:
Jack Cust($250,000)
Brendan Harris($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Julio Lugo

DL:
AJ Burnett

Transactions - 6/20/07

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Recall to MLB:
Felix Pie($250,000)

Activate from DL:
Chad Tracy

Assign to AAA:
Jeremy Hermida

Release:
Ronny Paulino

Guitar Face
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Sign to AAA:
Max Scherzer($250,000)

Release:
Luis Vizcaino

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers
(cap +$500,000, released +$1,750,000)
Sign:
Carlos Pena($250,000)

Activate from DL:
Rickie Weeks
Josh Johnson

Recall to MLB:
Yovanni Gallardo($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Matt Garza

Release:
Ryan Shealy
Dan Johnson
Gil Meche

Trade Announcement: Uncle Teddy and Meaty Urologists

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers get:
Kevin Kouzmanoff, 3B ($1,750,000)
Torii Hunter, CF ($1,750,000)
Andrew McCutchen, CF ($0)

Meaty Urologists get:
Joe Mauer, C ($6,750,000)
Mark Teahan, RF ($1,500,000)

Salary Implications:
Uncle Teddy will see their cap space increase by $4.25 million, with the Meaty Urologists taking on that $4.25 million against their cap.

The June Farm Report

-by Thomas Richards

Now that a very large percentage of the league's AAA league has gotten a taste of the big leagues, there isn't much point to ranking them the same way I did last time. So we are going to do something a little different. The squads are now ranked by average preseason player ranking. The rankings are an average of 6 different sources. If a player did not show up on any list then he received a ranking of 79 as 78 of our players did merit a ranking. So let's get to it.

#10 - Eastside Taintstains Average Player Ranking - 63

Chin-Lung Hu, Eric Campbell, and Edinson Volquez (79) - Volquez, was 0-4 with an ERA over 7 before receiving a promotion to the Ranger's AA squad where he has gone 3-0 with an ERA of 3.18 since. Campbell is hitting just .186 with 4 HR's, and Hu is hitting .335 with 2 HR's, 8 SB's, and 4 triples.

Eric Patterson (Ranked 74th) - Patterson is playing quite well for the Cubs' AAA squad. Patterson is carrying a .308/.369 average with 7 HR's and 33 RBI's.

Sean Gallagher (72nd) - Gallagher is an impressive 7-2 with an ERA of 3.39 for the Cubs' AA squad.

Michael Bowden (71st) - Bowden was 2-0 in 8 starts before receving a promotion to the Red Sox AA squad where he has continued to toss well going 2-1 with an ERA under 3.

Travis Snider (51st) - Snider has played well hitting .335 with 3 HR's and 38 RBI's for the Low A Blue Jays team.

Franklin Morales (44th) - Morales is 0-2 in 8 starts for the Rockie's AA squad, but has kept his ERA just over 3.

Adam Miller (19th) - the Indian's might be calling this guy up very soon if their two current lefties cannot turn it around. He has lived up to expectations, going 4-1 with an ERA of 2.45 and has 39 K's in 41 innings in AAA.

#9 - Too Drunk to Function Average Player Ranking - 62

Akinori Iwamura, Scott Thorman, Ryan Theriot and Joe Koshansky (79) - Iwamura has played great when he hasn't been hurt. He has an average of .370 and an OBP of .483 in 23 games for the Devil Rays. Thorman has a big swing resulting in 6 HR's for the Braves, but is hitting a mere .229. Then Theriot is hitting .279 with 8 SB's in 52 games for the Cubs. Koshansky is hitting .328 with 5 HR's and 40 RBI's for the Rockies' AAA squad.

Erick Aybar (59th) - Aybar started out hot for the Angel's pro squad, but cooled quickly. He has hit just .246 with 0 HR's and just 2 SB's.

Chris Iannetta (50th) - Iannetta has not met expectations as well hitting just .186 with 1 HR and 29 K's in just 31 games.

Adam Jones (27th) - Jones has played extremely well, hitting .291 with 10 HR's and 38 RBI's for the Mariner's AAA squad.

#8 - The Champ is Here Average Player Ranking - 55

Brian Barton (75th) - Barton is hitting .296 with 6 HR's and 9 SB's for the Indians down in AA.

Craig Hansen (70th) - Hansen has 2 saves and a record of 1-1 in 17 relief appearances for the Red Sox AAA squad.

Matt Harrison (69th) - Harrison is 4-1 with an ERA of 3.43 and a Whip of 1.29 for the Braves' AA squad.

Glen Perkins (64th) - It took just one solid outing in AAA before the Twins called this lefty up to the pros. Perkins has been in the bullpen and has only appeared 12 times so far.

Ryan Sweeney (60th) - Sweeney started out in the pros, but only hit .200 and has since been sent back down the their AAA squad where he has bumped the average up to .257 with 3 HR's.

Troy Patton (55th) - Patton has tossed well, but only has 4 wins in 12 starts. He has an ERA of 2.48, a WHIP of 1.15, and 49 K's in 76 innings.

Travis Buck (53rd) - Buck has played well enough to keep himself in the lineup for 43 games so far for the Athletics. Buck has an average of .252, an OBP of .356, and has 6 HR's.

John Danks (42nd) - Danks earned a spot in the White Sox rotation in spring training and has been decent. Danks is 3-5 in 10 starts and has an ERA of 4.34

Hunter Pence (37th) - Pence was hitting .341 in AAA before getting called up and has hit an even better .368 since. Pence has 5 SB's, 24 RBI's, and 5 HR's including a Grand Slam.

Scott Elbert (26th) - I can't find the exact information, but Elbert must have gotten hurt as he has only tossed 14 innings so far this season. In those 3 starts, Elbert is 0-1 but had 24 K's.

#7 - The Death Ro Average Player Ranking - 52

Brent Clevlen, Kei Igawa, Josh Hamilton, and Carlos Quentin (79) - Clevlen has struggled for the Tiger's AAA squad, hitting just .207 with 0 HR's and just 10 RBI's. Igawa has had quite a trip so far. Kei went 2-1 with an ERA over 7 for the Yankees before getting sent down to Hi A where he went 1-1 with an ERA of 2, then he was promoted to AAA where he has since gone 0-2 with an ERA of 4.5. Hamilton was called up by the Reds early and seems to have regained his pre-cocaine form. Hamilton has hit .266 and has hit 8 HR's in 40 games so far. Quentin was hitting .221 with 4 HR's and 22 RBI's before recently getting demoted down to AAA. So far he is 3-7 with an RBI down there.

Jeff Samardzija (73rd) - Samardzija probably should have stuck to football as he is 0-5 with an ERA of 5.53 in 11 starts for the Cubs' Hi A squad.

Wade Davis (67th) - Davis has tossed extremely well for the Hi A squad of Tampa Bay. He is 3-0 in 12 starts with an ERA of 1.88 and has 75 K's in 71.2 innings.

Carlos Gomez (58th) - Gomez had a .286 average and 17 SB's before being call up from AAA by the Mets and has since hit .227, but has 4 SB's.

Jason Hirsh (36th) - Hirsh has struggled a bit for the Rockies so far going 2-6 with an ERA of 4.92 and a WHIP of 1.39.

Mike Pelfrey (24th) - Pelfrey made one start in Hi A before being called up to the majors where he helped the Mets get 0 wins and 5 losses with an ERA around 6. He was then demoted and has since gone 1-1 in 4 starts with an ERA under 3.

Daisuke Matsuzaka (3rd) - Matsuzaka has tossed decent so far, he is 7-4 with an ERA over 4 as it seems that teams are starting to figure him out. Regardless he still has 76 K's in 79 innings.

#6 - 3 Shots in March Average Player Ranking - 48

Denard Span and Jaime Garcia (79) - Span has 13 SB's but is only hitting .227 for Minnesota's AAA squad. Garcia seems to have a bit of bad luck as he has an ERA of 3.29 but has a record of 3-5 in 11 starts.

Chris Volstad (56th) - 5's are wild with Volstad has he owns a record of 5-5 with an ERA of 5 for the Rockies Hi A squad.

Donald Veal (52nd) - Veal seems to be preparing to be a true Cub as he is just 3-4 with an ERA over 6.

Ian Stewart (43rd) - Stewart has played very well for the AAA squad of Colorado. Stewart is hitting .304/.374 with 5 HR's in over 200 AB's.

James Loney (32nd) - Loney is swinging it a little better than the last report, but is still hitting just .280 with 1 HR for the Dodger's AAA squad. Another interesting note is that I read somewhere that his maximum future potential is to have a career that matches that of John Olerud.

Colby Rasmus (30th) - The Cardinals' top prospect has done quite well so far hitting .289 with 10 HR's in AA. With the Cards struggling there could be a chance that we see him soon.

Andrew Miller (14th) - Miller has had quite a journey, He started out in Hi A and has just 1-4 but had a decent ERA. He was called up a few weeks ago and tossed 6 shutout innings, but was promptly sent down to AA where he he has gone 2-0 in 4 starts with an ERA of 0.59

#5 - Meaty Urologists Average Player Ranking - 47

George Kottaras and Andy Sonnanstine (79th) - Kottaras is hitting just .202 with 1 HR in 124 AB's for the Red Sox AA squad. Sonnanstine has had quite a week, first he is picked up by the Urologists and then he is called up by the Devil Rays in real life (real life?). Sonnanstine was 6-4 with an ERA of 2.66 for AAA before getting called up, but allowed 6 earned in 7 innings in his major league debut.

Chris Lubanski (76th) - Lubanski was also recently acquired by the Urologists and has hit .286 with 7 HR's and 26 RBI's down in AA for the Royals.

Trevor Crowe (62nd) - Crowe has struggled so far and for his efforts, he was released by the Urologists. In AA he has been hitting .189 with 1 HR and 11 SB's for the Indians.

Kevin Kouzmanoff (54th) - Kouzmanoff's play can be defined as decent at best. He is hitting .212 with 4 HR's and 23 RBI's so far in the majors for the Padres.

Elijah Dukes (46th) - Dukes has not only hit .195 with 10 HR's for the Devil Rays this season, he has also created a bit of controvery off of the field. Let's hope that jail time doesn't take away from his "stellar" rookie season.

Felix Pie (40th) - Pie was hitting fantastic in AAA before getting the call up to the Cubs major league roster. Pie was hitting .389 with 3 HR's and 24 RBI's for AAA, and has hit a modest .274 with 2 HR's for the Cubs.

Jacoby Ellsbury (31st) - Ellsbury was hitting .452 with 8 SB's in AA for the Red Sox before getting called up to AAA where he has slowed down a bit hitting just .279 but does has 13 SB's.

Ryan Braun (23rd) - Braun has tossed quite well for the Royals, oops wrong Ryan Braun. Braun was hitting .342 with 10 HR's in just 117 AB's down in AAA before getting the nod to come up for the Brewers. Since then he is hitting .313 with 3 HR's in 48 AB's.

Reid Brignac (15th) - The Devil Rays' AA shortstop has not gotten off on the right foot just yet as he is hitting .256 with 6 HR's and 6 SB's.

Andrew McCutchen (9th) - McCutchen is also not living up to expectations hitting .226 with 4 HR's and 9 SB's for the Pirates AA squad.

#4 - Thunder Guts Average Player Ranking - 46

Pat Neshek and Eric Duncan (79th) - Neshek has been almost perfect so far in the majors. He has tossed 28 innings out of the bullpen and is 3-0 with an ERA of 1.26 and a WHIP of .77. Duncan is hitting .242 with 5 HR's and 21 RBI's for the Yankee AAA squad.

Dustin Pedroia (65th) - Pedroia has been excellent in his rookie season for the Red Sox. Pedroia started out slow, but has since moved up to the 2nd slot in the lineup and has raised his average to .319 and an OBP of .399.

Kevin Slowey (63rd) - Slowey was 6-2 with an ERA of 1.54 in AAA before the Twins called him up. Since then he has started twice and has a win and an ERA of 4.09.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia (34th) - Baseball's all-time longest last name was hitting .309 with 6 HR's in 81 AB's of AA before getting called up by the Braves. Since then he has continued that pace hitting .298 with 2 HR's in just 47 AB's.

Andy Laroche (21st) - Andy has struggled just like his brother in both AAA and in the pros. He hit just .236 in AAA with 3 HR's and has hit .211 with 0 HR's so far in the pros.

Troy Tulowitzki (12th) - Tulowitzki has adjusted well to the major leagues as his average has raised to .275, but only has 3 HR's and 1 SB.

#3 - Two Piece & a Biscuit Average Player Ranking - 42

Tony Sipp and Gaby Sanchez (79th) - Sipp suffered an injury in spring training and has been on the shelf since. Sanchez has not played well, hitting just .265 for Hi A down in Florida with just 2 HR's.

Yusmeiro Petit (68th) - Petit received a mid season call up from the Diamondbacks and did well in his only start going 7 innings and only allowed 2 runs. Down in AAA Petit owns a 6-3 record with an ERA of 4.61 in 10 starts.

Micah Owings (66th) - Owings made 1 start in AAA for the Diamondsbacks and was called up after the injury to Randy Johnson. Since then Owings has gone 4-1 with an ERA of 3.86 in 8 starts.

Carlos Carrasco (57th) - Carrasco has gone 5-2 with an ERA of 3.26 down in Hi A for the Phillies this year.

Chuck Lofgren (45th) - Lofgren is 5-4 with an ERA of 4.03 so far for the Indians AA squad, but does have 65 K's in 60 innings.

Joey Votto (41st) - Votto has picked up the pace of late raising his averages to .309/.425 for the Reds AAA squad.

Josh Fields (39th) - Fields was hitting .283 with 10 HR's in AAA before getting called up last week by the White Sox. So far he is 0-7 in the majors.

Jeff Niemann (38th) - Niemann's numbers are quite similar to Lofgren's in that he is 4-4 with and ERA of 4.29 and has 66 K's in 63 innings for the Devil Rays' AAA squad.

Clayton Kershaw (29th) - Kershaw is 6-2 with an ERA of 2.13 in 11 starts for the Dodgers down in Low A. Kershaw also has 74 K's in just 55 innings.

Luke Hochevar (28th) - Hochevar has 72 K's in 72 Innings, but is just 3-5 with an ERA of 4.75 down in AA for the Royals.

Homer Bailey (5th) - Bailey was 6-1 with an ERA of 2.31 in AAA before getting called up last week where he tossed 5 innings and allowed 2 in his Reds major league debut.

Philip Hughes (4th) - Hughes was 2-1 with an ERA just under 4 in AAA before the Yankees called him up last month. Hughes had a no hitter going in his second start before leaving with a leg injury. Then during his rehab he majorly sprained his ankle and could very well miss the rest of the season.

#2 - Guitar Face Average Player Ranking - 33

Brandon Erbe (61st) - Erbe is 4-2 with an ERA of 5.53 in 11 starts for the Orioles Hi A squad.

Eric Hurley (48th) - The Ranger's AA ace is an impressive 6-1 with an ERA of 2.64 and a WHIP of 1.05 so far this season.

Philip Humber (47th) - Humber is 6-4 with an ERA of 4.46 and has allowed 7 HR's in 12 starts down in AAA for the Mets.

Adam Lind (35th) - The recenly acquired Lind has hit .306 with 2 HR's and 0 BB's in AAA and .231 with 6 HR's and 10 BB's for the Blue Jays this season.

Nick Adenhart (33rd) - Down in the Angel's AA system, Adenhart is 5-2 with an ERA of 3.44 and a WHIP of 1.47.

Fernando Martinez (25th) - Martinez is hitting .279/.352 with 2 HR's and 3 SB's down on the Met's AA squad.

Jose Tabata (22nd) - The Yankees' Hi A outfielder is hitting .307/.376 with a HR and 8 SB's this season.

Billy Butler (17th) - Butler came up briefly for the Royals and hit just .243 during that stint. Down in AAA Butler is hitting .287/.398 with 10 HR's and 38 RBI's.

Jay Bruce (11th) - Down in Hi A, Bruce is hitting .314/.366 with 10 HR's, 42 RBI's, 5 triples, and 4 SB's for the Reds.

#1 - Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers Average Player Ranking - 24

Matt Wieters and David Price were just selected as the 5th and 1st picks respectively in the 2007 MLB draft.

Daric Barton (49th) - Barton is hitting .255/.370 with 4 HR's and 30 RBI's down in AAA for the Athletics.

Carlos Gonzalez (20th) - The Diamondbacks AA outfielder is hitting .262 with 7 HR's and 34 RBI's this season.

Yovani Gallardo (18th) - Gallardo has been the best picher in the minor leagues by far going 8-2 with an ERA of 2.89 and has an incredible 98 K's in 78 innings for the Brewers' AAA squad.

Tim Lincecum (16th) - Lincecum went 4-0 and only allowed 1 run in 31 innings down in AAA before getting called up to the pros last month. Since then he has gone 2-0 with an ERA of 4.26, but has allowed 6 HR's in just 7 starts for the Giants.

Evan Longoria (13th) - Longoria has arguably been the best hitter in the minors as he has hit .288/.397 with 14 HR's and 46 RBI's for the Devil Rays' AA squad.

Justin Upton (10th) - BJ's brother was hitting .341 with 5 HR's, 17 RBI's, 2 triples, and 9 SB's down in Hi A before getting called up to AA. Since then he has been just as impressive hitting .358 with 8 HR's, 27 RBI's, 2 triples, and 4 SB's.

Chris (Darkness) Young (8th) - The Diamondbacks outfielder has hit .254 with 8 HR's and 22 RBI's so far.

Cameron Maybin (7th) - The Tigers' Hi A outfielder has played quite well, hitting .309 with 6 HR's and 18 SB's.

Brandon Wood (6th) - The Angels' other shortstop came up briefly and hit just .091 before getting sent back down to AAA where he is still struggling. His AAA numbers are .230/.335 with 7 HR's and 57 K's in 49 games.

Delmon Young (2nd) - Young has managed not to hit any umpire so far this season, so we will call his rookie season a success. He is hitting .266 with 7 HR's and 34 RBI's for the Devil Rays this season.

Alex Gordon (1st) - Gordon has managed to stay up on the Royals' major league roster all season despite hitting just .184 with only 3 HR's, 8 RBI's, and 8 errors.

Transactions - 6/13/07

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Sign:
Joe Blanton($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Bartolo Colon
Jose Vidro

Recall to MLB:
Andy Sonnenstine

Release:
Brandon Inge

Too Drunk to Function
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Chad Gaudin($250,000)

Guitar Face
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Casey Kotchman($250,000)

DL:
Nate Robertson

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Brandon Morrow($250,000)

2 Piece & a Biscuit
(cap +$250,000)
Recall to MLB:
Josh Fields($250,000)

DL:
Phil Hughes

Assign to AAA:
Jeremy Sowers

Trade Announcement: Uncle Teddy and Guitar Face

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers get:
Aaron Hill 2B,SS ($250,000)
Placido Polanco 2B ($250,000)

Guitar Face gets:
Adam Lind, LF ($250,000)
Al Reyes, RP ($250,000)

Salary Implications:
Salaries of the traded players are even so there will be no change to either team's cap space.

Transactions - 6/6/07

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$500,000)
Sign to AAA:
Chris Lubanski($250,000)
Andy Sonnenstine($250,000)

Release:
Trevor Crowe

Too Drunk to Function
(cap +$250,000)
Sign to AAA:
Kosuke Fukudome($250,000)

The Death Ro
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Sign to AAA:
Yunel Escobar($250,000)

Release:
John Patterson

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers
(released +$750,000)
DL:
Rickie Weeks

Release:
Jack Cust
Brian Giles

2 Piece & a Biscuit
(cap +$500,000)
DL:
Darin Erstad
Ryan Freel

Sign:
Kazuo Matsui($250,000)
Jose Guillen($250,000)

Blog Enhancement

Now when viewing any team roster on this blog, the player's name is now a link to their player page at FirstInning.com. The cool thing about this site is that they are mostly dedicated to minor league players so the links to your prospects have up-to-date stats about your minor leaguers' seasons and their last 10 games. Check it out.

Trade Announcement: Too Drunk to Function and The Champ Is Here

Too Drunk to Function gets:
Chipper Jones, 3B ($2,250,000)

The Champ Is Here gets:
Chien-Ming Wang, SP ($2,000,000)
Brad Penny, SP ($1,000,000)

Salary Implications:
The Champ takes on $500,000 against the cap, while Too Drunk sees their cap number drop by $500,000. This will be reflected in the "RELEASED SALARY" line in their roster listing. Too Drunk now has two empty spots, one at AAA, one at MLB.

Transactions - 5/30/07

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000, released +$500,000)
Recall from AAA:
Ryan Braun($250,000)

Release:
Jon Rauch
Brendan Harris

Too Drunk to Function
(cap +$250,000, released +$750,000)
Recall from AAA:
Ryan Garko($250,000)

Release:
Scott Proctor

The Champ Is Here
(cap +$250,000)
Recall from AAA:
Hunter Pence($250,000)

Demote to AAA:
Chone Figgins

The Death Ro
(cap +$500,000, released +$1,500,000)
Sign:
Brandon Lyon($500,000)

Drop:
Mike Gonzalez

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers
(cap +$250,000, released +$1,250,000)
Activate from DL:
Joe Mauer
Roy Halladay

DL:
Brian Giles

Release:
Rich Aurilla
Bob Howry

Sign:
Rafael Betancourt($250,000)

Next Week in Hardcore - 5/21/07

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Two Piece & A Biscuit (41-35-8)
vs.
Meaty Urologists (53-28-3)

This isn’t exactly a thrilling 1 vs. 3 match-up. Both teams have owners that go about their business and let the players do the talking (with the exception of the press conference blow-up a couple weeks ago by Turd Ferguson). You’ll probably see more shit-talking on American Idol than between these two. Also, both are battling injury woes. One would assume that not having Ryan Howard means less wins by the Urologists, but I guess not. Besides that, there isn’t much to talk about. I’d hate to compare this to a Spurs/Pistons Finals, or even Undertaker/Psycho Sid at WrestleMania 13, but I will anyway. Let’s hope Brendan Roberts plays the role of Paul Bearer, except he carries a gold urn of donut holes around.

The Death Ro (42-37-5)
vs.
The Champ is Here (44-36-4)

Now this is the match-up to see. It’s kind of like the Bret Hart/Steve Austin match at that same WM 13: great undercard bout before the main event. Death Ro has been hitting well lately; putting up a .300 average and 14 HR last week. They even showed they can swipe bases, with 14 vs. Three Shots (8 from Ichiro). The big news for Death Ro is that the injury bug has hit them as well. Hank Blalock is on the 60 day DL, and Josh Hamilton goes to the 15 day. I think it is to no one’s surprise that a player in Justin Rohour’s organization went on the DL for being gassy. On the other side, The Champ lost a tough series to the Urologists 8-4. Pitching continues to be their downfall, as they get swept in those six categories by MU. Luckily the mashers have held up their end, hitting another 18 HR and 59 RBI. This will be a fun offensive shootout to watch. Grab some dip, somebody’s gonna die!

Eastside Taintstains (38-38-8)
vs.
Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (36-39-9)

These are two teams in the middle of the pack. Taintstains are in 6th, while Uncle Teddy is in 7th. We could break down what each team needs to do to make a move above the .500 mark, but because of the vast knowledge of baseball cards between the two owners, let’s talk about that instead. I picked a representative card from both sides to see who has the advantage. First, for the Taintstains is the ’92 Bowman Cliff Floyd. This is one of the great cards from this groundbreaking set. Not only did it feature tons of rookies, but it featured tons of rookies in BAD SHIRTS. See this link for details, and this one for Todd Jones.

Uncle Teddy is at a disadvantage here, since all of his players had rookie cards within the past few years. Luckily we found this gem from the ’97 Fleer set, featuring one of the elder statesmen of the Azzkickers, Brian Giles. Despite the gum-on-the-hat pose, Cliff Floyd and the Taintstains win this baseball card duel. It was an uphill battle anyway for Uncle Teddy, Cliff Floyd’s Thunder Dunk nowhere close to the rim is hard to beat.

Guitar Face (42-37-5)
vs.
Three Shots in March (34-47-3)

Guitar Face achieved a major accomplishment last week: despite putting up an ERA/WHIP combo of 6.08 and 1.65, they won the series 7-5. Their offense wasn’t spectacular either, but good enough to rack up some wins. Stud pitchers Kyle Lohse and Ryan Dempster both had ERA’s of 33.75. Coming to the rescue is closer Jeremy Accardo, picked up Wednesday off the waiver wire. Three Shots held their own vs. The Death Ro, holding on to split the series. The six wins were much needed, as this team still sits in ninth place. The pitching was lights out: in 85 innings 3SIM put up an ERA of 1.91 and WHIP of 0.98. Guitar Face might be punting those categories again if that continues. Yup, that’s all I’ve got. Call this “Lack of Animosity Week” in the Hardcore League.

Thunder Guts (26-53-5)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (36-42-6)

Last week Albert Pujols hit his first HR of the month, while batting .400. Was it just the friendly confines of Thunder Guts’ home park, or a sign of things to come? For Too Drunk, they are getting little production out of Alfonso Soriano, and took a step back last week from their mini-surge. I’ve always been a fan of fire sales, and if one of these teams get a beat-down this week, keep your eye on the trading block.

Transactions - 5/23/07

Guitar Face
(cap +$500,000, released +$500,000)
Sign:
Reggie Willits($250,000)
Brad Hennessey($250,000)

Release:
Morgan Ensberg
Kyle Lohse

Transactions - 5/16/07

Guitar Face
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Jeremy Accardo($250,000)

DL:
Huston Street

2 Piece & a Biscuit
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Darin Erstad($250,000)

DL:
Dave Roberts

Three Shots in March
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Mike Lowell($250,000)

Too Drunk to Function
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Sign:
Jason Marquis($250,000)

Release:
Kevin Millwood

Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers
(cap +$1,000,000, released +$500,000)
Sign:
Dan Johnson($500,000)
Gil Meche($250,000)
Jack Cust($250,000)

Activate from DL:
Felix Hernandez
Ryan Shealy

Send to AAA:
Brandon Wood

Release:
Kyle Farnsworth

DL:
Justin Speier
Joe Mauer
Roy Halladay

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$750,000, released +$500,000)
Sign:
Jose Vidro($250,000)
Brandon Inge($250,000)
Brendan Harris($250,000)

Activate from DL:
Jeremy Hermeda

Release:
Wily Mo Pena
Austin Kearns

DL:
Ryan Howard
Chad Tracy

Point/Counterpoint - 5/21/07

Today we have a new feature on the Hardcore League Blog. It's a point/counterpoint written by two of our owners, Shaun Kennedy of the Azzkickers and Jah Slowness of the Thunder Guts. Let's see what they've got for us this week...

TONY’S A FUCKING IDIOT
-Shaun Kennedy

Seven weeks into the season, I look at the top of the standings, and who do I see? None other than "fantasy expert" Turd Ferguson. Is anyone surprised? You shouldn’t be since he’s got a job analyzing and writing about fantasy baseball. But how’d he get in a league with a bunch of dumbasses like us?

Let’s go over a short history lesson to learn how Tony’s been a fucking idiot since the early days of this fantasy league. After deciding to revoke the invitation to known fantasy cheater Jason York, Tony turns to his vintage baseball cohort Turd “Eric” Ferguson because he works at The Sporting News! He’ll enjoy the complicated details of this league! Yeay! When questioned about Turd’s job at TSN, Tony replied, “Nah he just gets coffee for everyone else.”

Hey that’s great Tony. He probably does get coffee for everyone else. Except for all the time he spends analyzing fantasy baseball…ya know…since that’s his job.

Unfortunately we found that out after it was too late.

Now here we are, seven weeks in the books, with Ferguson in first place by a mile. Some may think he has a bad team, but the results speak for themselves. He’s probably laughing at us all right now in the Sporting News’ office, while Brendan Roberts plays pull my finger with the secretary and challenges everyone to a dump-off at 3 o’clock.

I see where this league is heading. I’m predicting four out of five championships for Turd, causing Tony to fake his own death for the sake of the league. We all call it quits and try to spend time with our families, scarred for life from the beat down we took, not to mention $250 down the drain.

Oh and if that does happen, I don’t think Tony has to worry about the “faking” part of his death. My message is clear.

Well, I think we're all clear on where Shaun stands on this topic. What does Josh have to say about me being a fucking idiot? Read on to find out...

TONY’S NOT A FUCKING IDIOT
-Josh Lohnes

Somebody get Shaun a paper bag to breath into before he hyperventilates. I’d expect this kind of hysterics from a fucking idiot like Tony, but Stone Cold Shaun Kennedy? Say it ain’t so.

Let’s clear a few things up. First, Turd Ferguson for Jason Dork is a trade I’ll make every day of the week. The Chicken Hawk’s fantasy baseball shenanigans are, at this point, so legendary that we can no longer be surprised when he cheats.

Second, it’s early. Not as early as it was when I first sat down to write this little rebuttal, but still early enough that we should listen to reason. And reason says that TURD’S TEAM IS AWFUL. Has anyone else taken a look at his squad? He’s got Ryan Howard, David Ortiz, and a bunch of substitute teachers. Actually, with Howard, Ortiz, Frank Thomas and Bartolo Colon, he does have the league’s best sumo wrestling team.

Third of all, in the grand scheme of things, It’s real early. We’re less than two months in to a fantasy league that, for all intents and purposes, will continue on forever. The fantasy “expert” has an old squad that is already on the way down. Trust me, the Meaty Urologists are irrelevant four years from now.

Now, having said all that, I still have to agree with your central point: Tony is a fucking idiot. He is. It’s science. But he isn’t an idiot because he allowed some dude who just happened to write in some fantasy rag into our league. Tony’s an idiot for many other reasons… Like when he poops his pants… at the auction.

Well that was, um, enlightening? I'm actually amazed that they found someone to defend me, though in Josh's favor, he did point out that I am a fucking idiot. HOWEVA, I'd like to point out that sphincter control and idiocy aren't techincally related. I mean, Stephen Hawking probably has sphincter control issues too...

Stay tuned for the next installment of Point/Counterpoint, scheduled for release whenever Josh gets around to writing his part.

Last Week In Hardcore - 5/14/07

Hey kids, This Week in Hardcore is sponsored by BJC Healthcare who actually made me do work last week and prevented me from getting this out in a timely manner. In order to repay them for their generosity, I will be writing two articles on their dime this week! So, the article you've all been waiting for... Last Week in Hardcore!

Perhaps the most important and exciting development for Hardcore Fans out there was that the first-place Meaty Urologists finally lost a series, to the ninth-place Drunks! Here at This (Last) Week in Hardcore, we hate to rejoice in the misery of others, but MeatU's first loss of the year is a cause for celebration. To help the cause, we're offering free beer all day yesterday at TWIH headquarters so be sure to stop by! Last week, we saw David Wright confirm that he has a pulse, which was nice for all the Eastside Taintstain fans out there. We saw a pair of pitchers, Jose Contreras and Kelvim Escobar, throw complete game shutouts and pair of Jr's lock up in an offensive battle in the Hardcore Game of the Week. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."

Hardcore Game of the Week
2 Piece Kills Death Ro, 6-3-3

A #2 vs. #3 matchup between in-laws kept this week's Game of the Week all in the family. 2 Piece and a Biscuit keeps the momentum going, not having lost a series since Week 2 and moving within 5.5 games of the league lead. The fried chicken experts' pitching has been on fire in recent weeks, going 13-7-4 the last four weeks. Death Ro's own streak was stopped this week, ending a run of four straight winning weeks and dropping to fourth place, eight games back. The problem for Death Ro may be the hitting, as they have lost two weeks in a row after carring the squad for the first month of the year.

Gary Matthews Jr must be back on the juice this week, hitting four homers and driving in eleven to lead 2 Piece & a Biscuit in both categories. Kevin Youkilis was 11-for-21 on the week with six RBI for a .524/.583 line. Chase Utley had a pair of homers to go with his six runs scored and five driven in. Matt Holliday had three bombs, driving in five. Mark Teixeira went 10-for-25 with six RBI. Roy Oswalt won both of his starts this week, striking out twelve in the process. Jose Contreras threw a complete game shutout to win his only start of the week. Adam Wainwright scattered nine hits in six innings, allowing one run in his victory. JJ Putz picked up three saves with three scoreless innnings this week. Scott Linebrink held two games.

While losing the battle of the Juniors this week, Ken Griffey Jr also led The Death Ro in homers and RBI, with three and nine respectively to go with his ten hits and a steal. Carlos Lee was 11-for-28 with a pair of homers, six runs and six RBI. Brandon Phillips and Ichiro Suzuki each had eleven hits on the week. Suzuki scored seven times and stole two bases. Phillips scored six times and homered. Daisuke Matsuzaka seemed to regain his dominating form, allowing one run over seven, striking out eight in his victory. Ted Lilly pitched fifteen innings in his two starts this week, allowing three runs, striking out ten and picking up a victory. Chris White Young allowed three runs in eleven innings, fanning nine and garnering a win. Chris Capuano led the club with eleven K's. Bobby Jenks saved a pair of games.

Beatdown of the Week
Champ Poops All Over Taintstains, 9-2-1

And the beat goes on for The Champs as they pound the Taintstains this week. The beatdown vaults The Champs into second place only 4.5 games back and the closest any team has been to first since the first week. Eastside holds steady at sixth place, but fall to 12.5 back after this series. The Champs are now the only team in the league to have not lost a series yet this year, posting a 4-0-2 series mark so far. The league's best offense has carried a rather pedestrian pitching staff, with the team going 24-12 with the bats this year. The Taintstains fall back below .500 for the first time in a month and look to stop the slide.

Somebody remind JJ Hardy that he's not any good. He continued his push for the MVP (GROSS!) this week, hitting three more bombs and driving in eight for the Champ. Rumors of Lance Berkman's demise were greatly exaggerated, as he also clubbed three homers, drove in six and scored eight. Adrian Gonzalez, Aramis Ramirez, and Jeff Kent all hit two homers apiece as the most powerful team in the league continued their power surge. Jeff Francoeur led the club with ten hits and Jorge Posada and Rafael Furcal each had nine hits. Furcal had two steals and Andruw Jones drove in nine. John Danks pitched into the seventh, allowing one run to pick up a victory. Greg Maddux went five and a third, allowing one run on three hits before departing. Francisco Cordero and Rafael Soriano each had three saves.

David Wright reminded everyone that he's still alive by going 9-for-24 at the plate with a homer and FOUR(!?!?) steals for Eastside. Raul Ibanez had nine hits, six RBI and five runs scored on the week. Manny Ramirez scored six and drove in six, adding a homer. Grady Sizemore stole three bases and Jose Reyes swiped two. Brian Roberts was 9-for-30 with a steal. Carlos Delgado had a pair of homers but was only 4-21 on the week. Tom Glavine led the staff this week, going seven innings allowing only one run to pick up the victory. Boof Bonser struck out thirteen in his two starts this week, winning one. Josh Beckett held opponents to three runs in eleven innings, fanning twelve and winning one of his two starts.

Nail-biter of the Week
Three Shots Makes It Rain on Thunder Guts, 6-5-1

Ah, the Toilet Bowl. The game that everyone else can make fun of and it's no surprise that the two cellar dwellers nearly split their series. The Thunder Guts bats took it to Three Shots, 4-1-1, but were bested by the Three Shots hurlers who went 5-1 to take the series. The win for Three Shots was their first since Week 2, once again riding the pitching to victory. They have yet to win a hitting series, going 0-5-1 with the bats so far this year. The Thunder Guts did get their first hitting win of the season but it was not enough to take the series. Their hold on last became tighter, falling 5.5 back of ninth place Three Shots.

Jason Bay led the way for the Three Shots offense this week, going 10-for-24 with five driven in, six scored, and a homer. Orlando Hudson and Alex Rios each had two homers. Travis Hafner led the club in RBI with six, followed by Mike Lowell and Corey Patterson with five. Bill Hall was 9-for-24 with a homer. Chuck James posted a 1.69/1.03 line this week in ten and two-thirds innings of work, striking out six and getting a win. Ervin Santana struck out eleven in thirteen innings of work, while Randy Johnson fanned nine in only six innings. Chad Qualls picked up two holds.

Justin Morneau continued to tear it up for the Thunder Guts, launching three bombs, driving in six and scoring six times. Felipe Lopez had two homers, scored five and drove in five, despite hitting .192 on the week. Brad Wilkerson had two homers, scored four and drove in six, despite hitting .176 on the week. Sensing a pattern yet? Derek Jeter led the team in hits with twelve and RBI with seven. Russell Martin continued his hot start, going 9-for-27 with six runs scored. Eric Byrnes had a pair of homers and five runs scored. Javier Vazquez fanned ten in thirteen innings. Francisco Rodriguez had two saves with two scoreless innings of work. Pat Neshek struck out five in just 2.2 innings.

Drunks Upset Urologists 7-5

The reign of terror is over as the Drunks have beaten the first-place Meaty Urologists! There was drunken rioting in the streets following the game, but that's pretty normal following a Too Drunk to Function series. The Drunks moved into a tie for sixth with Eastside, 12.5 back. Meanwhile, MeatU saw their lead shrink to 4.5 games, the closest the race has been since the opening week of the season. The Drunk offense handed the Urologist hitters their first loss in beatdown fashion, 5-1. On the pitching side, the Urologists' effort came up a bit short, winning 4-2. The Drunks have now won 17 games in the last two weeks to become the hottest club in the league.

The Drunks had five players hit a pair of home runs this week, Alfonso Soriano, Lyle Overbay, Eric Chavez, Magglio Ordonez, and Luke Scott. Soriano was 9-for-26 with three steals. Ordonez had six RBI and seven runs to go with his homers. Luke Scott drove in seven and stole a base. Chavez was 9-for-26 with five RBI. Carl Crawford also had nine hits, a homer, and three steals. Craig Monroe scored six runs, while Josh Barfield, Aaron Rowand, and Ramon Hernandez each scored five. Brad Penny was lights out this week, allowing one run over thirteen and a third, winning both of his starts while striking out eighteen. Braden Looper continued his solid start, throwing seven innings of three-hit shutout ball to pick up a victory. Jered Weaver allowed one run over six, striking out five. Dan Wheeler picked up three saves despite a 9.00 ERA for the week.

Julio Lugo led the Meaty Urologists at the plate this week with twelve hits while driving in seven and stealing two bags. Pat Burrell hit a pair of homers, drove in five and scored five times. Torii Hunter also had a pair of bombs while driving in eight. Juan Pierre was 10-for-31 with three steals and Johnny Damon had nine hits, five runs and a pair of steals. David Ortiz scored six runs and drove in seven. AJ Burnett pitched into the seventh allowing just one run and striking out ten to earn the victory. Erik Bedard turned in seven innings of shutout ball, fanning ten in his start this week. Tom Gorzelanny allowed one run in seven innings of work. Billy Wagner saved three games in three perfect innings of work this week. Takashi Saito closed out two games while Jonathon Broxton picked up two holds.

Uncle Teddy Filibusters Guitar Face, 6-5-1

A late charge led the Azzkickers to top Guitar Face for their first series win since opening week. The narrow victory was led by the offense, who posted a 5-1 victory. The pitching was just enough to hold on, as Guitar Face hurlers prevailed 4-1-1. Both teams hold their place in the standings at fifth and eighth respectively.

Chris Black Young led the Azzkickers with a 12-for-23 performance this week, adding two homers, a steal and five runs scored. Prince Fielder also hit two homers and drove in five. Hanley Ramirez had eight hits and two steals, while Brian Giles had ten hits. Ryan Zimmerman appears to be coming around, as he had a homer and six RBI this week. Nick "The Stick" Markakis scored five runs and had a homer. Michael Cuddyer hit a three run homer late sunday night to clinch the victory for The Azzkickers, changing RBIs from a loss to a win. Randy Wolf threw a four-hit shutout for seven innings, striking out eleven in the victory. Andy Pettitte allowed just three runs in fourteen and a third innings this week, striking out six and picking up a victory. Tim Lincecum won his first major league game, allowing two runs in seven innings, striking out six. Brian Fuentes picked up two saves on the week.

For a team that hits .224 on the week, there aren't going to be many stars. Adam Dunn led Guitar Face in everything but steals going 8-for-21 with three homers, six RBI and seven runs scored. Todd Helton had eight hits and two homers. Jake Peavy and Brendan Webb earned their money this week, with Peavy striking out ten in seven scoreless innings and Webb allowing one run and striking out ten in his complete game. Both pitchers picked up wins for their efforts. Kelvim Escobar bested both of them, however, twirling a complete game shutout with nine strikeouts. Ian Snell got back on the right foot this week, allowing four runs in fourteen innings, striking out twelve and getting a win. Casey Janssen had two holds.

Three Stars - Hitters

#1 - Gary Matthews Jr, 2 Piece & a Biscuit
Matthews exploded for four homers and eleven RBI this week, twice the number of homers he's had all year and matching his RBI total for the first five weeks.

#2 - Ken Griffey Jr, The Death Ro
Griffey did his damage in a loss, belting three homers, driving in nine, and going 10-for-25 at the plate this week.

#3 - Lance Berkman, The Champ is Here
Berkman broke out of his season long power slump in a big way this week, hitting three homers, scoring eight times, driving in six, and collecting eight hits.

Three Stars - Pitchers

#1 - Brad Penny, Too Drunk To Function
One earned over two starts, each start resulting in a win puts you in the three stars. Strike out eighteen in thirteen innings and you take home the gold.

#2 - Kelvim Escobar, Guitar Face
Escobar fired a complete game shutout with seven hits and no walks to take the silver.

#3 - Jose Contreras, 2 Piece & a Biscuit
The other complete game shutout of the week, Contreras allowed five hits and a walk while striking out four.

Next Week in Hardcore

Be sure to read Shaun's preview below of "Next Week in Hardcore"