The Farm Report

-by Thomas Richards

Well, the conversion from the minors to the majors appears to be quite challenging. Adam Lind's .282 average leads all rookies this season, closely followed by Cleveland's Ryan Garko. Troy Tulowitzki, Dustin Pedroia, Chris Young, Kevin Kouzmanoff, and even Alex Gordon are all hitting well below .200. For the pitchers, Mike Pelfrey and Glen Perkins both have ERA's over 5. So who is playing well? Let's take a look around the league's minor league squads.

#1: Guitar Face

Billy Butler has lived up to all of the expectations of being a #3 overall pick. Butler is hitting .344 with 5 HRs and 20 RBIs. Jay Bruce chips in with a .333 average, but has struck out 18 times already in just 63 ABs. Jose Tabata has similar numbers hitting .300 with 17 strike outs in 60 ABs. Then Fernando Martinez has struggled hitting just .231 and only 1 HR.

Nick Adenhart has been phenominal going 3-0 in 3 starts with a 0.49 ERA and 16 K's. Eric Hurley and Philip Humber are both 2-1 with ERA's under 3. Then Brandon Erbe does not have a decision in 3 starts but has an ERA of 3.78.

This team was well scouted and is very well balanced between hitting and pitching. Hopefully the active roster can step it up, otherwise some of these studs might have to be unloaded.

#2: The Champ is Here

Hunter Pence is the featured stick on this roster. Pence is hitting .324 with 3 HR's and 16 RBI's. Brian Barton is only hitting .279, but has a .426 OBP. Then Ryan Sweeney has 2 HR's and a respectable .343 OBP.

Craig Hansen has 2 saves already, along with a 1.08 ERA. Troy Patton has tossed well going 1-1 with a 2.37 ERA and a mere 0.89 WHIP. Matt Harrison has 2 wins and Scott Elbert carries a 3.86 ERA with 24 K's in 3 starts.

Danks and Perkins have already made it to the big leagues, and Pence should find his way there soon. All of this leaves some room to add more hitters. The Champ has found some good players to help create an early impact to his 2007 season.

#3: Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers

Eva Longoria looked excellent last week, and Evan hasn't looked so bad either. Longoria is hitting .310 with 3 HR's and 14 RBI's. Cameron Maybin is looking just as good hitting .308 with 4 HRs and an OBP of .463. Justin Upton has 6 SBs and Brandon Wood has an OBP of .373 despite striking out 23 times in 71 ABs. Carlos Gonzalez is in a bit of a slump hitting just .210.

Tim Lincecum has been the best pitcher in the minors going 2-0 and has not yet allowed a run. Matt Wilhite has been solid out of the bullpen, owning an ERA of 1.8 in 7 appearances. Yovanni Gollardo is 2-1 with an ERA of 2.65 and a K/9 Innings of 13.76.

One would think that this team couldn't get any younger, but almost all of these kids are expected to see time in the Major Leagues by the end of the 2007 season. Perhaps some of these prospects should be moved for some veteran role players. Interested in Moises Alou?

#4: Too Drunk to Function

Akinori Iwamura was recently called up due to his terrific start. Iwamura is hitting .321 and has an OBP of .455. Adam Jones is hitting .319 and Joe Koshanski is hitting .294.

This team is ranked #4 on a stats per player basis. The owner was obviously had a different strategy when forming this team and perhaps was a little too drunk to function. It is a bit early, but perhaps it is time to trade those big names for young studs. Time to build for next year?

#5: Meaty Urologists

Jacoby Ellsbury is hitting .455, has an OBP of .500 and has 4 stolen bases already. Felix Pie was hitting .444 before being called up, and then Ryan Braun has arguably been the best hitter in AAA. Braun is hitting .295 with 6 HR's in just 61 AB's. Reid Brignac is living up to expectations hitting .327 with 2 HR's and 5 SB's. But George Kottaras, Andrew McCutchen, and Trevor Crowe are all struggling, hitting .237, .163, and .140 respectively.

The Urologists certainly have some attractive bats, but have 0 pitchers. An interesting strategy considering pitchers make up half the stats. Although, 'the expert' seems to have everything else figured out despite our doubts.

#6: Thunder Guts

Jarrod Saltalamacchia has been terrific hitting .373, with 4 HR's and an OBP of .480. Then Andy Laroche is hitting a modest .274 with 3 HR's, and 8 RBI's.

The lone arm in Thunder's staff is Kevin Slowey. Slowey is 2-0 without allowing a run in 11 innings. He has 0 walks, 11 K's, and a WHIP of 0.51.

Thunder Guts has the same problem that Too Drunk has, in that there is just a lack of bodies down there. The bodies that are there are performing quite well however, we'll see if it is enough in years to come.

#7: Eastside Taintstains

Travis Snider has been impressive, hitting .327 with 4 Triples, a HR and 10 RBI's. Then Ching-Lung Hu is hitting .354. Eric Patterson and Eric Campbell are struggling, hitting .256 and .179 with just one HR between them.

Michael Bowden has tossed well so far going 1-0 in 4 starts with just a 1.71 ERA. Sean Gallagher has almost been as impressive, going 2-1 with and ERA of 3.12. Adam Miller, the team's ace, has gone 2-0 in 3 starts but has an ERA of 4.00 and a WHIP of 1.5. Franklin Morales and Edinson Volquez round out the staff with ERA's over 4 and 0 wins between them.

Any AAA squad that is almost completely full of Cubs and Red Sox is bound to struggle. This team is no different. Minus a few decent kids, this squad does not seem to have a promising future.

#8: Three Shots in March

Ian Stewart has been this squad's best hitter, hitting .333 with one HR. Then James Loney has temporarily lost that .380 stroke and is hitting just .265 but still has 14 RBI's. Colby Rasmus and Denard Span are both hitting .222 and have and have each scored 4 runs.

Jaime Garcia has thrown quite well going 2-1 in 3 starts with a 2.81 ERA. Andrew Miller has not received any run support and is 1-2 with just a 3.04 ERA. Chris Volstad is 1-1 in 4 starts with an ERA of 3.8 and Donald Veal has been atrocious going 0-3 with an ERA of 9.

This squad has a very nice balance, and has some big names but is struggling at the moment. Look for this squad to climb up the rankings as the season goes along.

#9: The Death Ro

Carlos Gomez is hitting a respectable .292 and Brent Clevlan is struggling at .210. Neither one has a HR, but each have 7 RBI's.

Jeff Samardzija does not have a decision with an ERA of 2.40. Wade Davis also does not have a decision and carries an ERA of 3.52. Kei Igawa, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Taylor Buchholtz, and Mike Pelfrey have all made it to the big leagues, but only Matsuzaka has shown any signs of brilliance. Pelfrey, Buchholtz and Igawa have not been impressive, all carrying ERA's over 5, but Matsuzaka has lived up to the hype, but has failed to receive run support. Oh, I almost forgot, Mark Prior is scheduled for shoulder surgery......again, so once again he has become a waste of space on Mr. Rohour's roster.

With 5 players already in the pros, that leaves plenty of roster space to find new additions and rebuild.

#10: 2 Piece and a Biscuit

Gaby Sanchez, Joey Votto, and Josh Fields have combined for an average of .194, 2 HR's, and 14 RBIs.

Clayton Kershaw has been the best pitcher for 2 Piece so far. Kershaw is 1-0 with an ERA of 1.38 in 3 starts. Homer Bailey is close behind also going 1-0 with an ERA of 1.76. Luke Hochevar is 2-1 carrying an ERA of 3.27, Chuck Lofgren is also 2-1 with an ERA of 3.6, and Jeff Niemann also has an ERA of 3.6, but is 0-1. Philip Hughes struggled in his first two starts but was brilliant in his last start and was rewarded with a call up this week. Hughes is a combined 2-1 with an ERA of 3.96 so far in the minors. Then Carlos Carrasco has had a few issues as well going 1-1 with an ERA of 4.5. Yusmeiro Petit was struggling with an ERA of 5.4, but was still called up and was impressive in his one start so far. Look for him to be sent back down with 3 Diamondback pitchers coming off of the DL in the next few weeks.

This squad has the right names, but they have struggled so far. Due to the lack of balance, this team may want to unload some of the big pitching names soon, to avoid having 10 rookie pitchers next season.

Once again, the rankings are based on a per player basis and use the statistics that the players have turned in so far. Look for an average pre-season rank to come out soon.

Transactions - 4/25/07

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$750,000, released +$1,000,000)
Sign:
Bartolo Colon($500,000)
Hideki Okajima($250,000)

Release:
Clay Hensley
Todd Coffey

Death Ro
(cap +$250,000)
Recall from AAA:
Ted Lilly($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
John Patterson

The Champ Is Here
(cap +$250,000)
Recall from AAA:
John Danks($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Chad Billingsley

Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Matt Capps($250,000)

DL:
Felix Hernandez

Guitar Face
(cap +$250,000)
Sign:
Casey Janssen($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Ryan Madson

Release:
Brendan Erbe

Activate:
Kelvim Escobar

DL:
Howie Kendrick

Too Drunk to Function
Assign to AAA:
Scott Proctor

Release:
Chin-Soo Choo

Activate:
Chen-Meing Wang
Alfonzo Soriano

This Week In Hardcore - 4/22/07

Well, the bats finally woke up this week. After a slow start to the season, we saw new highs set in Runs, Homers, RBI, and Steals this week, as well as some unbelievable personal performances at the plate. A-Rod still cannot be contained and Travis Hafner and Bill Hall helped Three Shots in March set the league HR and RBI record. Champ tied the newly-minted Home Run mark with help from an unusual source: JJ Hardy? The Azzkickers took the league Runs record, with 69 while the Biscuiteers broke the steals mark. A few pitchers decided not to let the hitters have all the fun as Zito, Cain, and Hamels all pitched wonderfully this week and that Buehrle guy was pretty good too. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."

Hardcore Game of the Week
Meat-U Survives 6-5-1 Against Guitar Face

In a battle that wasn't decided until late sunday night, the Meaty Urologists come from behind to beat Guitar Face by half a game. A late steal, homer, and RBI from JD Drew sealed the deal as the Urology Dept wins their third straight series. The narrow victory allows them to hold on to their seven game lead. Guitar Face, while holding their own against the class of the league thusfar, has dropped their last two series and are 8-13-3 in the last two weeks.

Juan Pierre was on fire this week, going 14-for-32 at the plate (.438/.471) with eleven runs scored and three steals. Miguel Tejada hit .478/.520 to lead the club in both categories to go along with his five RBIs. Big Papi provided the pop with three homers, six driven in and five runs scored this week. Tad Iguchi had a pair of steals in his .353/.500 week at the plate. Torii Hunter also hit .353 and drove in five. Cole Hamels rang up fifteen hitters in his complete game victory this week, setting a high water mark for K's in a game this season. Tom Gorzelanny won both of his starts this week, allowing four runs in fourteen and a third to go with his eight strikeouts. The Meaty Urologists maintain their seven game lead over Death Ro.

Filling in for the injured Howie Kendrick, second baseman Kelly Johnson had a monster week for Guitar Face, going 13-for-25 (.520/.600) with two homers, six runs, six driven in and a steal. Todd Helton hit .421/.538 on the week. The Flyin' Hawaiian Shane Victorino was 10-for-27 with three steals for a .370/.433 line on the week. Chris Burke kicked in two steals for the Rockers. Kyle Lohse threw seven innings of shutout ball in his debut for the team this week. Brandon Webb struck out thirteen over eight innings while allowing just one run in his start. Salomon Torres and Huston Street each saved two games without allowing a run. Ian Snell allowed three runs in fourteen innings of work this week, winning one of his starts and striking out ten. Guitar Face remains in seventh place.

Beatdown of the Week
Death Ro Executes Drunks, 7-3-2

Here at This Week in Hardcore, we try to be caring, sensitive reporters who try not to make anyone feel bad. HOWEVA, the Drunks need to lay off the sauce. Too Drunk to Function dropped their third straight series to tighten their stranglehold on the basement. While a closer match than our previous Beatdowns, the Death Ro offense took out their aggression on the Drunkards, losing only On-Base by .001. I would demand a recount but that might be rubbing it in too much. Pitching in this match was dead even, with each staff going 2-2-2 so I guess the Beatdown should be credited only to the Death Ro-ffense.

Someone stop this man before he kills again! A-Rod got all mashy again this week, continuing his assault and battery on poor unworthy pitchers. 10-for-27, nine runs, five bombs, thirteen ribs, .370/.393. That's just stupid. Brendan Phillips had a week, with two homers and two steals while driving in seven. Marcus Giles had twelve hits in thirty tries for an even .400 average this week. Derrek Lee scored eight times and swiped two bags while getting on base at a .455 clip. Chris "White" Young threw seven innings of one run, seven K ball in his victory this week to lead the staff. Bobby Jenks closed out three games in his three appearances. Chris Capuano won both of his starts this week while striking out eleven in as many innings of work. Daisuke Matsuzaka fanned seventeen in his two starts but the ERA was a bloated 5.54. The Death Ro now sits alone in second place, seven back.

Jim Thome tried his best to get Too Drunk back in the game this week but his 5-for-11, three homer, six run week wasn't enough. Magglio Ordonez drove in eight for the Drunks while Garrett Atkins and Aaron Rowand led the club in hits with nine. Rowand also added two homers. Jason Giambi hit .400/.471 on the week. Braden Looper turned in seven innings of one-run ball in his victory this week. Brad Penny went thirteen innings in his two starts, allowing three runs and picking up a victory in the process. Justin Verlander fanned twelve to lead the club in that category. CC Sabathia allowed two runs over seven innings in his start, striking out eight. It wasn't a real pretty week for Too Drunk to Function, as they fall three games behind the Thunder Guts and into sole posession of last place.

Nail-biter of the Week
Thunder Guts and Champ Draw 6-6

The first ever series tie in Hardcore League history was a true split, as even the hitters and pitchers each tied at three wins apiece. We saw the Champ offense set a new series homerun record with sixteen this week. Five Champs hit more than one home run last week in their offensive barrage. They also topped the previous record in Runs and RBI, only to be beaten out for the record the same week. Strikeouts came down to the wire with a 44-43 win going to Champ. Each team dropped one spot in the standings with the split, Champ to third and Thunder Guts to ninth.

The Champ offensive explosion was led by Barry Bonds and JJ Hardy, who both launched three homers this week, while Adrian Gonzalez, Aramis Ramirez and Chipper Jones all hit two apiece. Bonds scored seven times and hit .471/.565 on the week. Gonzalez drove in eight and scored five times. Ramirez drove in seven and Jeff Francoeur drove in eight while only hitting .192 on the week. Jeff Kent was 11-for-25 for a .440/.481 line. Barry Zito was the pitching star for Champ, throwing thirteen scoreless innings in his two victories this week, striking out nine. Francisco Cordero closed out three games with his four scoreless innings. Freddy Garcia fanned nine in his pair of starts.

Felipe "Li'l Flip" Lopez had twelve hits to lead the Thunder Guts offense. Albert Pujols broke out of his early season slump with two homers and five RBI. Eric Byrnes hit .393/.469 on the week while swiping two bases. Corey Hart stole three bags and hit .500/.632 in limited action. Russell Martin continued his torrid start by driving in seven. Team Captain Derek Jeter was 9-for-28 with eight runs scored and one million born champion points. Aaron Harang struck out eight over six innings in his one-run start this week. Johan Santana recovered from his rough stretch last week to allow one run over seven innings while striking out a batter per inning in his victory. Jeremy Bonderman also allowed one run over seven, fanning six. Bob Wickman saved three games and Francisco Rodriguez saved two.

Taintstains Drink Three Shots, Win 8-4

In a case of "What do I have to do?", Three Shots set league records in home runs and RBIs and still lost their series. The Taintstains starting pitching was in a groove all week helping to edge their opponents in wins 5-4 while getting quality starts from everyone but Scott Kazmir. Getting a no-hitter thrown in there doesn't hurt either. The Taintstains climbed two spots in the standings to fourth while Three Shots fell three spots to eighth.

Catcher Michael Barret was the hitting star for Eastside this week, collecting four homers, ten RBI, and hitting .381. Manny Ramirez, Jason Varitek and Shawn Green each hit a pair of homers this week. Jose Reyes was 13-for-28 with four steals and eight runs scored for a .464/.516 line. Brian Roberts stole five bases to lead the club. Coco Crisp and Green both hit an even .400 for the week. Mark Buerhle's no-hitter was the story on the Eastside and throughout the baseball world this week. Rich Hill also provided some excitement with an eight inning shutout victory. Anibal Sanchez allowed three runs in ten innings of work this week. Armando Benitez added two saves.

Travis Hafner went crazy this week for Three Shots, going 12-for-22 with three homers, eight RBI, and five runs scored for a .545/.630 line. Bill Hall also got mashy, going 12-for-28 with three homers, nine runs and nine RBI while hitting .429/.484 on the week. Adam LaRoche hit two homers and Orlando Hudson drove in eight. Scott Rolen's bat finally woke up with a 9-for-22 week, good for a .409 average. Tim Hudson fired eight scoreless innings in his victory while Dan Haren followed with seven shutout frames and a victory of his own. Ervin Santana led the club in strikeouts with nine in his two starts. The less said about Chuck James and Jeff Francis this week the better. Joe Nathan saved three games.

2 Piece Kicks The Azzkickers While They're Down 7-4-1

In another record-setting series, 2 Piece and a Biscuit took the Azzkickers behind the woodshed despite being completely abandoned by their starting pitching. The chicken moguls set a league mark for steals with fourteen and the Azzkickers scored 69 times (Get it? They SCORED 69 times. What, it's funny.) to break the league record in runs. The series brought 2 Piece and a Biscuit up two spots to sixth while The Azzkickers dropped three spots to fifth.

Carlos Beltran had a huge week for 2 Piece with two homers, nine RBI, seven runs scored, two steals and a .448/.484 line. Moises Alou also broke out the lumber, going 10-for-22 with two bombs, seven RsBI, and six runs scored. Carlos Guillen drove in ten runs this week to go along with his two homers and two steals. Dan Uggla hit two homers while driving in seven and scoring seven. Matt Holliday was 12-for-26 this week for a .462/.500 line and Ryan Freel was 10-for-29 with six runs scored. John Maine continued his hot start, allowing two runs over seven innings while striking out seven in his victory. Roy Oswalt struck out nine in his two starts this week, giving up five runs in thirteen innings or work. Adam Wainwright got knocked around this week, allowing eleven runs in eleven innings to go along with his eleven strikeouts. Chris Ray picked up two saves.

Joe Mauer hit .524/.593 for the Azzkickers this week by going 11-for-21 with seven driven in, six runs scored and two steals. Hanley Ramirez hit two homers and scored seven times while getting on base at a .486 clip. Ryan Zimmerman and Brian Giles each had eleven hits, marking the end of Zimmerman's slow start. Michael Cuddyer drove in eight to lead the club, while Rich Aurilia, Xavier Nady, Nick Markakis and Zimmerman all drove in six. Rickie Weeks led the team with three steals. Matt Cain was fantastic in his two starts this week, throwing sixteen innings of one run ball, striking out eleven and picking up a victory. Randy Wolf got the only other victory for the pitching staff, going six innings and giving up a run while striking out ten. Joe Borowski saved two for the Azzkickers.

Three Stars - Hitters

#1 - Alex Rodriguez, Death Ro
I guess hitting five homers, driving in thirteen, and a .370/.393 line is good, but geez A-Rod, can't you steal a base or something?

#2 - Travis Hafner, Three Shots
Looks like Pronk was angry this week, belting three bombs, driving in eight and hitting a ridiculous .545/.630. Opposing teams wouldn't like Pronk when he's angry.

#3 - Carlos Beltran, 2 Piece and a Biscuit
Giving you an idea of how ridiculous this week was for hitters, 13-for-29, two homers, two steals, nine RBI, seven runs, .448/.484 was only good enough for THIRD PLACE. Try harder next week, Carlos.

Three Stars - Pitchers

#1 - Mark Buehrle, Eastside Taintstains
He only took the ball once this week, but what a start it was. One walk away from perfection and eight K's. I'm sure ESPN didn't mention this yet, but he didn't throw a single pitch over 90 mph.

#2 - Barry Zito, The Champ is Here
Quite the comeback for Barry Z this week, picking up two wins without allowing a run in thirteen innings of work. Could have been #1 this week if the guy above him would have given up a hit.

#3 - Cole Hamels, Meaty Urologists
Hamels takes the lead for K's in a game this season with his fifteen strikeout performance. He allowed a run on five hits in his complete game victory. I think he'll be appearing on this list for a long time.

Next Week in Hardcore

Be sure to read Shaun's post below for his analysis of the Next Week in Hardcore.

Next Week in Hardcore

-by Shaun Kennedy

Hardcore Game of the Week
Presented in stunning HD*
by Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor

Uncle Teddy (17-17-2)
vs.
The Champ is Here (19-16-1)

Last week, The U set a new Runs record (69), while The Champ set a new Home Runs record (tie-16). Some of the top players for both teams are from the Milwaukee Brewers. That should tell the story right there. This one might come down to pitching--which isn’t good because both teams are still in the single digits in pitcher wins this year (Teddy-9, Champ-8). At least they both get a lot of holds.

Guitar Face (14-18-4)
vs.
The Death Ro (19-15-2)

Guitar Face was the first team to not get beat down by the Meaty Urologists, so add a moral victory to their win column if you’d like, Dan McLaughlin. Any team with Miggy Cabrera and Vlad is dangerous. Also having Jake Peavy and Brandon Webb is never a bad idea, too bad they face each other on Wednesday. Adam Dunn hit .222 last week. Is he back to “old form” now after the hot start? The Death Ro gets to find out the hard way as they counter with A-Rod and a bunch of other guys on A-Rod’s back. Well, except for top closers Todd Jones and Bobby Jenks. They’re walking.

Meaty Urologists (25-8-3)
vs.
Three Shots in March (15-20-1)

The Urologists were finally cooled off last week by Guitar Face, even though they still won the series 6-5-1. Ryan Howard is back from a brief injury, and Big Papi is coming off his big series vs. the Yankees (in real life). The Urologists also feature Cole Hamels, who pretty much beat Guitar Face by himself last week in one game. Three Shots has looked smart so far with bargains such as Ian Kinsler and Orlando Hudson producing like top picks. Even better has been Tim Hudson (no relation) who’s got 3 wins and a 0.62 ERA. Oh and Randy Johnson is coming back Tuesday! Get that camera out of my face!

Eastside Taintstains (17-15-4)
vs.
Too Drunk To Function (10-22-4)

The Taintstains got a boost last week from Mark Buehrle’s No-Hitter, winning their series 8-4. They look to continue that momentum this week, despite the struggles of David Wright and Manny Ramirez (who finally hit his first HR last week). However, Jose Reyes, the second-best player in fantasy baseball, has made up for that and has helped the Taintstains move into 4th place in the league. Too Drunk looks to end the month with a better result than the first three weeks. We haven’t seen much out of Soriano or Crawford this season; they both possess Bat and Shoes according to MVP 2005, so there shouldn’t be a need to worry just yet.

2 Piece and a Biscuit (16-17-3)
vs.
Thunder Guts (15-20-1)

2 Piece got a huge day out of Dan Uggla Sunday, helping to put 7 wins on the board last week. They also got big contributions out of New York OF’s Moises Alou, Carlos Beltran, and Bobby Abreu. What, does Alou think he’s a Rising Star again? Call Chuck McElroy, let’s make a 30 cent rookie card! Thunder Guts are lead by the trio of Albert Pujols, Ty Wigginton, and Johan Santana. That will be my preview of their team every week. I have nothing else to say, except you should look out for those guys.

* - only if you have an HD tv set and access to HD broadcasts of baseball. If you do, can we come over and watch?

"Rhythm Nation" now "The Death Ro"

As of 8PM CST, Rhythm Nation will now be known as "The Death Ro". A new team name has been in the works for sometime, as manager Suge Knight eluded to in a recent interview, he felt that the name Rythm Nation was not "fucking hard enough fo these nigga's". GM Theo Epstein said he was "approached" by Coach Suge about changing the the team's name and immediately brought it to the attention of team president Justin Rohour. Epstein says that the new name is a blend of Suge's sensibilities and a tribute to the team's beloved and underappreciated president. This new moniker is already a hit in the clubhouse, as CF Mike Cameron had this to say about the teams new swagger, "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks, this ain't nuthin' but a gangsta party!".

Trade Announcement: Too Drunk to Function and 2 Piece & a Biscuit

This trade was finalized on April 10th but I'm just getting around to posting the announcement...

Too Drunk to Function gets:
Jason Isringhausen, RP ($500,000)
Dan Wheeler, RP ($1,000,000)

2 Piece & a Biscuit gets:
Derek Lowe, SP ($1,750,000)

Since the trade was made before the middle of the month, both owners are responsible for 100% of the acquired contracts, meaning that 2 Piece added $250,000 to their payroll and Too Drunk dropped $250,000 from their payroll.

Transactions - 4/18/07

Uncle Teddy & The Azzkickers
(cap +$750,000, released +$250,000)
Sign:
Al Reyes($250,000)
Randy Wolf($250,000)

Recall from AAA:
Adam Lind($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Tim Lincecum

DL:
Carl Pavano

Release:
Jorge Julio

Death Ro
(cap +$250,000, released +$250,000)
Sign:
Josh Hamilton($250,000)

Release:
Dustin Hermanson

Three Shots In March
(cap +$250,000)
Recall from AAA:
Daniel Cabrera($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Jason Jennings

Too Drunk to Function
Activate:
Jered Weaver

Guitar Face
(cap +$1,000,000, released +$750,000)
Sign:
Nate Robertson($250,000)
Derrick Turnbow($250,000)
Aaron Hill($250,000)
Kyle Lohse($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Brad Lidge

DL:
Kelvim Escobar
BJ Ryan

Release:
Damaso Marte($250,000)
Johnny Gomes($500,000)

This Week In Hardcore - 4/15/07

The Meaty Urologists put the Hardcore League on notice this week by issuing a whoopin' and jumping out to a huge 6.5 game lead. The Taintstains took advantage of a down week by other second division clubs to move into 6th place from the basement. This week, we saw King Felix outduel Dice-K and continue his complete mound dominance. Carlos Lee did damage for Rhythm Nation while C.C. Sabathia mowed down seventeen in his two starts. The Jones brothers bashed their way to victory for Champ. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."

Game/Beatdown of the Week
Meaty Urologists Set Beatdown Record on League Stage, Win 10-1-1

So much for the first "Hardcore Game of the Week". The Urologists took Thunder Guts to the mat in their first ever meeting, winning their series 10-1-1 and charging to a commanding 6.5 game lead. This matchup set an early-season record for worst beatdown. The Urologists brought a very balanced attack this week, not being dominant in one category but being steady in all. Thunder Guts pitching, which had been tops in the league last week, really got knocked around to the tune of 5.45/1.41 and only one win.

Torii Hunter led the way for the Meaty Urologist offense, going 9-for-25 this week, driving in six and swiping three bases. Big Papi drove in seven and Johnny Damon scored six times to help the cause. Chad Tracy scored five and drove in five while hitting .348. Ryan Howard had a .542 On-Base to accompany an otherwise mediocre week. Tom Gorzelanny threw seven shutout innings and fanned five in a no-decision. AJ Burnett and Cole Hamels each struck out ten in their two trips to the mound this week. Eric Bedard struck out nine in six innings of one-run ball in his victory. Billy Wagner closed out two games to lead the team in Saves.

Adrian Beltre had quite a week in a losing cause, hitting .300 with two homers, six runs scored and nine RBI. The Thunder Guts young catcher Russell Martin hit .429/.500 with seven runs and three steals. Doubt we'll see those steals again this season. Justin Morneau and Albert Pujols each hit two home runs apiece while Derek Jeter hit .360/.467 on the week. Jeremy Bonderman pitched a beauty this week, going nine innings of one-run ball but ended up with a no-decision. Johan Santana struck out ten but allowed four runs in his seven innings of work. Scott Olsen and Brett Myers struggled this week, as neither of them finished the fourth inning in their starts. Cla Meredith held two games, helping the bullpen fire 7.2 scoreless innings this week. The Thunder Guts fell from third to ninth in this week's standings.

Nail-biter of the Week
Three Shots Edges 2 Piece 6-5-1

The closest series of the week goes to the Three Shots - 2 Piece matchup, with Three Shots barely winning in a squeaker. Wins, Saves, and Holds were each determined by one decision while the ERA game was decided by an uncharacteristic Joe Nathan meltdown. The six wins for Three Shots was enough to vault them into fifth place, 9.5 back.

Ian Kinsler had a monster week with four homers, eight driven in, seven runs scored and a .476/.542 line. Vernon Wells, Jermaine Dye and Alex Rios each kicked in two home runs apiece. Rios also drove in seven. Orlando Hudson was 10-for-22 on the week, good for a .455/.462 line. On the pitching side, Jose Valverde saved three games with three scoreless innings of work. Chuck James threw six scoreless frames to pick up a win. Tim Hudson held his opponents to one run over seven in his victory. Jeff Francis picked up a win in his outing, allowing two earned over 6.2 innings.

Chase Utley led the 2 Piece offense with two homers, five runs and five RBI. Dan Uggla and Matt Holliday tied for the team lead in hits with eight. Uggla hit .400/.435 for the week while Holliday's line was .348/.464. Kevin Youkilis hit .417/.500 in work limited by rain this week. Dave Roberts stole two bases. Jose Contreras was masterful in his two outings this week, allowing only one run in eleven innings while striking out seven. Derek Lowe turned in a solid performance in his first game as a Biscuit, going eight innings to get a win for his new club. John Smoltz allowed two runs in eight innings of work. 2 Piece dropped a spot to eighth this week.

Taintstains Teabag Guitar Face 8-2-2

The Eastsiders recovered quickly from their opening week hangover to abuse Guitar Face for eight wins. The Taintstains did not lose a single hitting category and capitalized on many Guitar Face pitchers missing their turns due to rain. Riding the success of the past week, Eastside has climbed out of the basement and into sixth place. The injury bug bit Guitar Face this week, with B.J. Ryan and Kelvim Escobar both ending up on the DL.

Jimmy Rollins continued his torrid start to the season by hitting three homers while driving in five and scoring six runs. David Wright was 7-for-18 for a line of .389/.450 on the week. Jose Reyes and Grady Sizemore stole three bases apiece and Reyes added five runs scored. Rich Hill pitched seven shutout innings in his victory this week, while teammate Josh Beckett also went seven in his win. Jason Schmidt and Beckett led the team in strikeouts with eight on the week. Scott Kazmir allowed two runs over eight innings to pick up his first win of the season. Tom Gordon saved two games to lead the bullpen.

The Guitar Face offense did a 180 after last week's dominating performance. Hitting just .236 as a team, they only drove in 25 runs and scored 27. Leading the "charge" was Howie Kendrick, who went 8-for-17 for a .471/.500 weekly line. Miguel Cabrera added two more homers to his resume while driving in five. Todd Helton, the subject of trade rumors for the last week, drove in six. Kelly Johnson scored five times but only hit .158 on the week. Seven hitters posted averages under .200 this week. Yuck. Jake Peavy continued his hot start by pitching one-run ball for seven innings in his victory. Dontrelle Willis won his third game of the year, holding the opposition to three runs over seven innings. Guitar Face dropped from fourth to seventh this week.

Rhythm Nation Offense Lights Up Azzkickers 8-4

The Rhythm Nation offense swept their six games against Uncle Teddy this week, while their pitching faltered a bit to drop four of six. The .318/.402 line posted by Rhythm Nation hitters set a league record in both categories. The Azzkickers set a record of their own, breaking the WHIP mark with a 0.92 on the week. This series was tighter than the final score will indicate, as five of the games were decided on sunday.

A-Rod and Carlos Lee provided the power for Rhythm Nation this week as both stars hit three homers and drove in seven. Lee's three bombs came in the same game. Kenny Lofton and Ichiro Suzuki each tallied six runs, while Lofton hit .421/.522 on the week and swiped two bases. Brandon Phillips and Orlando Cabrera each had two steals as well. Kenji Johjima was 9-for-12 for a .750/.800 line in limited time. Curt Schilling fired eight innings of shutout baseball to pick up a win in his start. Dave Bush held opponents to one run over six innings in his victory. Todd Jones and Bobby Jenks each saved two games. Rhythm Nation picked up three spots in the standings to move into fourth.

Delmon Young had ten hits in 29 trips to post a .345 average this week plus two homers, six runs scored and five driven in. Rickie Weeks also had two bombs and scored eight times to go along with his .389/.476 line. Michael Cuddyer drove in six and scored six. Prince Fielder hit .368/.440 for the week. In the national spotlight, King Felix threw a one-hit shutout, striking out six. Roy Halliday pitched a game for the ages this week, a one run ten-inning victory in his only start of the week. Andy Pettitte got the ball twice this week and allowed one run in thirteen innings, fanning seven and picking up a victory. Matt Cain also threw one-hit ball for seven innings in a no-decision. The Azzkickers held steady in second place this week.

Champ Edges Drunks 6-5-1

The Champ became one of only two teams to win both series so far this year after winning a tight one against Too Drunk to Function. The series win moves them into a tie for third with The Azzkickers. After staying out of last place last week, the Drunks hit rock bottom falling a game and a half behind Thunder Guts for last place.

Chipper and Andruw Jones led the Champs to victory this week, each hitting three homers. Chipper hit .368/.478 on the week with six runs scored and seven driven in. Andruw drove in six and scored five to go along with his .429 On-Base. Chris Duncan and Barry Bonds each hit two home runs while Jeff Francoeur drove in six. Duncan's .438 average and .526 on-base led the team in both categories. Rich Harden got the ball twice this week, allowing three runs over twelve innings and fanning thirteen. Greg Maddux went six innings without allowing a run in his victory. Mike MacDougal picked up two holds this week, while Francisco Cordero managed three saves. The Champs moved up two places to tie for second.

Aaron Rowand hit .467/.636 on the week and Jim Thome hit .471/.609 to lead the Drunk offense. Michael Young, Garrett Atkins, and Carl Crawford all hit two homers apiece to lead the club. Young also added seven RBI to lead the team, while Carl Crawford's five runs tied him with Magglio Ordonez for the team lead in that category. Eric Chavez stole two bases. C.C. Sabathia allowed two runs in fifteen innings this week, striking out seventeen and winning both of his games. Kevin Millwood went six innings to pick up the win in his start, while Brad Penny did the same without allowing a run. Justin Verlander threw seven scoreless innings in a no-decision. The Drunks drop one spot to last place.

Three Stars - Hitters

#1 - Ian Kinsler, Three Shots
Kinsler blew up this week, going 10-for-21 with four homers, eight RBI, 7 runs, and .476/.542 rate stats to win the hitters' gold

#2 - Carlos Lee, Rhythm Nation
Lee did most of his damage in one night, becoming the first player this season to hit 3 homers in one game. Good enough for 2nd place this week

#3 - Chipper Jones, Champ
Larry the Crime Donkey hit .368/.478 on the week with 3 HR, 7 RBI and 6 runs scored to take the bronze

Three Stars - Pitchers

#1 - Felix Hernandez, Azzkickers
The King threw a one-hit complete game shutout. It doesn't get much better than that

#2 - CC Sabathia, Too Drunk
The big man won his two starts this week, striking out 17 in 15 innings of work to take the silver

#3 - Andy Pettitte, Azzkickers
The lefthander allowed one run over thirteen innings in his two starts, striking out seven

Next Week in Hardcore

Meaty Urologists (20-3-1) at Guitar Face (9-12-3)
David Ortiz and the first-place Urologists look to continue their winning ways against Jake Peavy and Guitar Face in the "Hardcore Game of the Week"

Too Drunk to Function (7-15-2) at Rhythm Nation (12-12-0)
John Lackey and Too Drunk to Function look to stop the bleeding while A-Rod tries to lead Rhythm Nation into second place

Three Shots (11-12-1) at Eastside Tainstains (9-11-4)
Taintstains Jimmy Rollins and Grady Sizemore look to build on last week's winning ways while Travis Hafner and Three Shots try to hold them off

The Azzkickers (13-10-1) at 2 Piece & a Biscuit (9-13-2)
King Felix and the Azzkickers try to make a move on first place while Chase Utley and the 2 Pieces try to stop the series losing streak at two

The Champ is Here (13-10-1) at Thunder Guts (9-14-1)
The Jones Boys try to continue the winning ways for Champ as Johan and the Thunder Guts try to recover from last week's beatdown

Transactions - 4/11/07

The Champ Is Here
(cap +$250,000)
Recall from AAA:
Akinori Iwamura($250,000)

DL:
Chin-Ming Wang

Meaty Urologists
(cap +$250,000)

Recall from AAA:
Todd Coffey($250,000)

Assign to AAA:
Jon Rauch

2 Piece & a Biscuit
(cap +$250,000)

Sign:
Micah Owings($250,000)

DL:
Tony Sipp

Thunder Guts
(cap +$250,000)

Sign:
Ty Wiggington($250,000)

Send to AAA:
Jorge Cantu

This Week In Hardcore - 4/8/07

Opening Day: a time for hope, optimism and, of course, trash talking. The first series in Hardcore League history have just completed and we find out which teams have hope and which don't. The first week was a wild one with some close games, some routs, and some shocking developments.

Alex Rodriguez does his best "True Yankee" impression in a losing effort while Daisuke Matzusaka wows the Gaijin in his American debut. Snow played havoc with a few teams, causing hot starts by Grady Sizemore, Richie Sexson, and Jhonny Peralta to be delayed. King Felix and Ben Sheets came out firing in the season's opening week, while former Cy Young winners Curt Schilling and Barry Zito started the season on the wrong foot, as did Former MVP Albert Pujols. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."

Beatdown of the Week
Meaty Urologists beat down the Eastside Taintstains, 9-1-2.

The Urologists really took it to the Taintstains this week, only losing Runs and even that one was in doubt. Wins and Steals came out as ties but all other categories went to the Urologists. Taintstain pitching truly crapped the bed, putting up a 5.20 ERA and a 1.51 WHIP on the week. Yikes. The shaky Tainstain bullpen contributed a total of one save and no holds. Well, Taintstains fans, at least it can only get better from here.

The Urologist Offense came together with a total team effort. JD Drew hit .391/.440 for the week, while Mike Piazza nearly mirrored that, with a .393/.433 line. Curtis Granderson hit two homers and drove in seven, while Juan Pierre stole two bags. Pat Burrell hit .381/.500 in a surprising first week. On the pitching side of the ledger, Cole Hamels gave the Urologists seven shutout innings in a no decision and Tom Gorzelanny gave up two earned over five to earn a victory. Jonathon Broxton threw four scoreless innings to earn two holds on the week.

On the Taintstains side, Grady Sizemore was having a week, .438/.500 with three bombs and seven runs, before the snow set in. Jose Reyes swiped three bases and drove in seven. Jimmy Rollins also had three jacks for the Taintstains. The surprise performance of the week goes to Shawn Green for his 9-for-24 performance. Josh Beckett, Jason Schmidt and Rich Hill each turned in one-run performances in their victories and Scott Kazmir fanned 15. Mark Buehrle's start was cut short after being hit on the hand by a comebacker.

Nail-biter of the Week
The Champ Is Here edges Three Shots in March, Rides Sunday's Pitching to 7-5 Victory.

These two clubs split their offensive games and Champ got a sunday afternoon win from Kip Wells to break a tie, giving them the series victory. In this series, Home Runs were seperated by just one, with the win going to March. Champ led the league in Average this week, posting a .302 while March paced the league in Saves with seven.

Champ got a .440/.529 week from Aramis Ramirez to lead the offensive charge. Jeff Kent scored five times to lead the club, while Adrian Gonzalez, Victor Martinez and Kent all drove in five. Chris Duncan hit .429 in limited action. Barry Bonds had the team's only steal. Rich Harden threw seven scoreless innings in his victory, posting seven K's to lead the pitching staff. Wells had 1.38/0.85 rate numbers in his two starts, striking out 14 in 13 innings. Mike MacDougal turned in two holds to help the bullpen. Barry Zito was disappointing in his two outings, getting tagged for ten earned in only eleven innings.

For March, Orlando Hudson had eleven hits in 29 trips this week, scoring nine times. Jason Bay, Ian Kinsler, and Ivan Rodriguez each hit two homers last week. Scott Rolen, Vernon Wells, and Hudson led the team with five RsBI. Wells put up two steals in the season's opening week. Matt Kemp hit .462/.467 and Travis Hafner posted a .444 On-Base, both in limited duty. Danny Haren had two outstanding starts this week, allowing one run in thirteen innings. Chuck James gave up one run over five in his victory. Reliever Jose Valverde led the team in strikeouts with six while racking up three saves to tie Joe Nathan for the club lead. Chris Carpenter heads to the DL this week.

Thunder-Guts beat Rhythm Nation 8-4 in Opener

Thunder-Guts pitching was the story in this one, beating Rhythm Nation hurlers 5-1 while racking up ten Wins. The two clubs split the hitting games, with Rhythm Nation taking Runs, HRs and RsBI. The Thunder-Guts led the circuit in Wins, K's, and Steals this week in their victory.

Johan Santana, Aaron Harang, and Scott Olsen each won both of their starts this week to really put the Wins category away early in this one. Santana and Brett Myers each tallied 15 K's to lead the club. Javier Vazquez allowed only one hit and no runs in his six and two-thirds innings this week. Eric Byrnes provided the thunder for the Thunder-Guts, going 11-for-31 along with two homers and four steals. Justin Morneau hit two homers and drove in seven to go along with his .353/.476 week at the plate. Albert Pujols had a disappointing opening week, going 3-for-22.

Even A-Rod's monster opening week couldn't save Rhythm Nation this time. Rodriguez hit .381/.458 for the week with four bombs, eleven driven in and eight runs scored. Derrek Lee posted a .440/.500 line while Marcus Giles hit .444/.524 in limited duty. Kenny Lofton stole two bags but went 3-for-23 on the week. Daisuke Matsuzaka's debut was the highlight of the week in Rhythm Nation, as the Japanese import fanned ten in his seven inning victory. Chris Capuano and Curt Schilling each fanned ten or more for the week in their two starts, but both got hit around a bit this week. Todd Jones and Scot Shields contributed three saves and two holds, leading the bullpen with their scoreless weeks.

Guitar Face eats 2 Piece and a Biscuit for Breakfast, 7-4-1

Guitar Face holds off a late charge from our friends from Popeye's to secure their first series win of the new year. A save by Jonathon Papelbon on sunday night secured a tie in Saves for 2 Piece and a Biscuit. The much-maligned Guitar Face offense showed up in a big way this week, winning four of their six games.

The two franchise players on offense for the rockers, Miguel Cabrera and Vlad Guerrero, led the way. Cabrera hit .500/.607 on the week with two jacks, eight driven in and seven runs scored. Guerrero posted a .440/.483 line with three bombs while driving in ten runs. Adam Dunn also had a three homer week while stealing two bases to tie Willy Taveras for the team lead. Jhonny Peralta was hitting .385/.467 before the snow came to Cleveland. Jake Peavy was stellar in his two outings this week, posting a 0.69/0.92 week over 13 innings. Dontrelle Willis won both of his starts, striking out a dozen. Huston Street and B.J. Ryan each saved two games.

Carlos Beltran, Melvin Mora, and Matt Holliday each hit two homers and drove in seven for 2 Piece and a Biscuit this week. Paul LoDuca hit .409/.440 to lead the club in rate stats, while Mark Teixeira posted a .423 On-Base. Ryan Freel swiped four bases to secure the club's victory in Steals while Gary Matthews Jr scored seven times to help win Runs. Roy Oswalt led the pitching staff with two dominating outings, allowing two runs over seventeen innings. John Smoltz fanned eleven hitters in two starts while picking up a Win. John Maine threw seven innings of one-hit shutout ball in his victory. Chris Ray and Papelbon both saved two games on the week.

Azzkickers Live Up to Name, Beat Drunks 9-2-1

Uncle Teddy and the Azzkicker offense steamrolled the Too Drunk to Function offense, taking all six games. The pitching side wasn't much better as the Drunks dropped four of six. While the Azzkicker staff struggled to get Wins, everything else seemed to take care of itself. A late statistical adjustment tied the two teams in Holds.

King Felix started his Azzkicker career off on a good note, fanning twelve in eight innings of shutout ball. Ben Sheets also had a good week, logging fifteen innings of 3.60 ERA. Roy Halliday kicked in eleven K's in his two starts. Bobby Howry and Justin Speier each held two games and Brian "Daisy" Fuentes had the series' only save. Xavier Nady had a week, hitting two homers and scoring five times. Hanley Ramirez stole three bases and scored eight times. Rookie Chris "Black" Young drove in nine runs to lead the club, despite a .192 average. Joe Mauer (.368/.429) and Michael Cuddyer (.412/.474) paced the team in rate stats.

Richie Sexson hit two jacks and drove in five in only eleven at bats due to his week being cut short by snow. Eric Chavez was nine-for-twenty-nine this week to lead the Drunks in hits, while Luis Castillo hit .381/.409 to lead in Average and On-Base. Aaron Rowand stole two bases and Jason Giambi drove in six in a losing effort. John Lackey was outstanding in his two Wins, allowing one run in twelve innings and striking out eleven. Justin Verlander threw six shutout innings in a no-decision while Brad Penny allowed one run over seven to pick up a victory. Aaron Heilman, Kiko Calero, and Juan Rincon picked up two holds apiece.

Three Stars - Hitters

#1 - Alex Rodriguez, Rhythm Nation
Hit .381/.458 on the week with four homers, eleven driven in, eight runs scored, and a steal to claim the week's top honors.

#2 - Vladimir Guerrero, Guitar Face
Posted a .440/.483 line with three bombs, ten RsBI, and five runs scored to take the silver this week.

#3 - Eric Byrnes, Thunder Guts
In a shocker, Byrnes takes the bronze with a .355/.412 line, two round-trippers, seven driven in, five runs, and four steals.

Three Stars - Pitchers

#1 - John Lackey, Too Drunk to Function
Lackey takes the gold with two stellar starts, winning both games and allowing one run over twelve innings and striking out eleven.

#2 - Felix Hernandez, Azzkickers
An eight inning shutout victory with twelve K's earns second place among hurlers this week.

#3 - Daisuke Matsuzaka, Rhythm Nation
Dice-K allowed one run over seven innings and struck out twelve in his victory this week to take the bronze.

Next Week in Hardcore

Meaty Urologists (9-1-2) at Thunder Guts (8-4-0)
Big Papi and Ryan Howard bring the beef to the Thunder Guts house to meet Albert and Johan in the "Hardcore Game of the Week"

Rhythm Nation (4-8-0) at Azzkickers (9-2-1)
Azzkickers Roy Halliday and Joe Mauer try to keep their winning ways going as A-Rod and Carlos Zambrano bring Rhythm Nation to visit

Guitar Face (7-4-1) at Taintstains (1-9-2)
Miguel Cabrera and Vlad Guerrero look to "rock" David Wright and Jose Reyes as the Taintstains look to get back on track

Too Drunk To Function (2-9-1) at Champ Is Here (7-5-0)
Drunkards Alfonzo Soriano and Carl Crawford will look to "steal" a series from Lance Berkman and Aramis Ramirez

2 Piece & a Biscuit (4-7-1) at 3 Shots In March (5-7-0)
Popeye's mascots Chase Utley and Roy Oswalt meet Vernon Wells and Travis Hafner in a battle of teams trying to recover from Opening Day