Too Drunk to Function gets: Chipper Jones, 3B ($2,250,000) The Champ Is Here gets: Chien-Ming Wang, SP ($2,000,000) Brad Penny, SP ($1,000,000) Salary Implications: The Champ takes on $500,000 against the cap, while Too Drunk sees their cap number drop by $500,000. This will be reflected in the "RELEASED SALARY" line in their roster listing. Too Drunk now has two empty spots, one at AAA, one at MLB.
Meaty Urologists (cap +$250,000, released +$500,000) Recall from AAA: Ryan Braun($250,000) Release: Jon Rauch Brendan Harris Too Drunk to Function (cap +$250,000, released +$750,000) Recall from AAA: Ryan Garko($250,000) Release: Scott Proctor The Champ Is Here (cap +$250,000) Recall from AAA: Hunter Pence($250,000) Demote to AAA: Chone Figgins The Death Ro (cap +$500,000, released +$1,500,000) Sign: Brandon Lyon($500,000) Drop: Mike Gonzalez Uncle Teddy and the Azzkickers (cap +$250,000, released +$1,250,000) Activate from DL: Joe Mauer Roy Halladay DL: Brian Giles Release: Rich Aurilla Bob Howry Sign: Rafael Betancourt($250,000)
Uncle Teddy is at a disadvantage here, since all of his players had rookie cards within the past few years. Luckily we found this gem from the ’97 Fleer set, featuring one of the elder statesmen of the Azzkickers, Brian Giles. Despite the gum-on-the-hat pose, Cliff Floyd and the Taintstains win this baseball card duel. It was an uphill battle anyway for Uncle Teddy, Cliff Floyd’s Thunder Dunk nowhere close to the rim is hard to beat.
Guitar Face (cap +$500,000, released +$500,000) Sign: Reggie Willits($250,000) Brad Hennessey($250,000) Release: Morgan Ensberg Kyle Lohse
Guitar Face (cap +$250,000) Sign: Jeremy Accardo($250,000) DL: Huston Street 2 Piece & a Biscuit (cap +$250,000) Sign: Darin Erstad($250,000) DL: Dave Roberts Three Shots in March (cap +$250,000) Sign: Mike Lowell($250,000) Too Drunk to Function (cap +$250,000, released +$250,000) Sign: Jason Marquis($250,000) Release: Kevin Millwood Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (cap +$1,000,000, released +$500,000) Sign: Dan Johnson($500,000) Gil Meche($250,000) Jack Cust($250,000) Activate from DL: Felix Hernandez Ryan Shealy Send to AAA: Brandon Wood Release: Kyle Farnsworth DL: Justin Speier Joe Mauer Roy Halladay Meaty Urologists (cap +$750,000, released +$500,000) Sign: Jose Vidro($250,000) Brandon Inge($250,000) Brendan Harris($250,000) Activate from DL: Jeremy Hermeda Release: Wily Mo Pena Austin Kearns DL: Ryan Howard Chad Tracy
Today we have a new feature on the Hardcore League Blog. It's a point/counterpoint written by two of our owners, Shaun Kennedy of the Azzkickers and Jah Slowness of the Thunder Guts. Let's see what they've got for us this week...
TONY’S A FUCKING IDIOT -Shaun Kennedy Seven weeks into the season, I look at the top of the standings, and who do I see? None other than "fantasy expert" Turd Ferguson. Is anyone surprised? You shouldn’t be since he’s got a job analyzing and writing about fantasy baseball. But how’d he get in a league with a bunch of dumbasses like us? Let’s go over a short history lesson to learn how Tony’s been a fucking idiot since the early days of this fantasy league. After deciding to revoke the invitation to known fantasy cheater Jason York, Tony turns to his vintage baseball cohort Turd “Eric” Ferguson because he works at The Sporting News! He’ll enjoy the complicated details of this league! Yeay! When questioned about Turd’s job at TSN, Tony replied, “Nah he just gets coffee for everyone else.” Hey that’s great Tony. He probably does get coffee for everyone else. Except for all the time he spends analyzing fantasy baseball…ya know…since that’s his job. Unfortunately we found that out after it was too late. Now here we are, seven weeks in the books, with Ferguson in first place by a mile. Some may think he has a bad team, but the results speak for themselves. He’s probably laughing at us all right now in the Sporting News’ office, while Brendan Roberts plays pull my finger with the secretary and challenges everyone to a dump-off at 3 o’clock. I see where this league is heading. I’m predicting four out of five championships for Turd, causing Tony to fake his own death for the sake of the league. We all call it quits and try to spend time with our families, scarred for life from the beat down we took, not to mention $250 down the drain. Oh and if that does happen, I don’t think Tony has to worry about the “faking” part of his death. My message is clear.Well, I think we're all clear on where Shaun stands on this topic. What does Josh have to say about me being a fucking idiot? Read on to find out...
TONY’S NOT A FUCKING IDIOT -Josh Lohnes Somebody get Shaun a paper bag to breath into before he hyperventilates. I’d expect this kind of hysterics from a fucking idiot like Tony, but Stone Cold Shaun Kennedy? Say it ain’t so. Let’s clear a few things up. First, Turd Ferguson for Jason Dork is a trade I’ll make every day of the week. The Chicken Hawk’s fantasy baseball shenanigans are, at this point, so legendary that we can no longer be surprised when he cheats. Second, it’s early. Not as early as it was when I first sat down to write this little rebuttal, but still early enough that we should listen to reason. And reason says that TURD’S TEAM IS AWFUL. Has anyone else taken a look at his squad? He’s got Ryan Howard, David Ortiz, and a bunch of substitute teachers. Actually, with Howard, Ortiz, Frank Thomas and Bartolo Colon, he does have the league’s best sumo wrestling team. Third of all, in the grand scheme of things, It’s real early. We’re less than two months in to a fantasy league that, for all intents and purposes, will continue on forever. The fantasy “expert” has an old squad that is already on the way down. Trust me, the Meaty Urologists are irrelevant four years from now. Now, having said all that, I still have to agree with your central point: Tony is a fucking idiot. He is. It’s science. But he isn’t an idiot because he allowed some dude who just happened to write in some fantasy rag into our league. Tony’s an idiot for many other reasons… Like when he poops his pants… at the auction.Well that was, um, enlightening? I'm actually amazed that they found someone to defend me, though in Josh's favor, he did point out that I am a fucking idiot. HOWEVA, I'd like to point out that sphincter control and idiocy aren't techincally related. I mean, Stephen Hawking probably has sphincter control issues too... Stay tuned for the next installment of Point/Counterpoint, scheduled for release whenever Josh gets around to writing his part.
Hey kids, This Week in Hardcore is sponsored by BJC Healthcare who actually made me do work last week and prevented me from getting this out in a timely manner. In order to repay them for their generosity, I will be writing two articles on their dime this week! So, the article you've all been waiting for... Last Week in Hardcore!
Perhaps the most important and exciting development for Hardcore Fans out there was that the first-place Meaty Urologists finally lost a series, to the ninth-place Drunks! Here at This (Last) Week in Hardcore, we hate to rejoice in the misery of others, but MeatU's first loss of the year is a cause for celebration. To help the cause, we're offering free beer all day yesterday at TWIH headquarters so be sure to stop by! Last week, we saw David Wright confirm that he has a pulse, which was nice for all the Eastside Taintstain fans out there. We saw a pair of pitchers, Jose Contreras and Kelvim Escobar, throw complete game shutouts and pair of Jr's lock up in an offensive battle in the Hardcore Game of the Week. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."
Gary Matthews Jr must be back on the juice this week, hitting four homers and driving in eleven to lead 2 Piece & a Biscuit in both categories. Kevin Youkilis was 11-for-21 on the week with six RBI for a .524/.583 line. Chase Utley had a pair of homers to go with his six runs scored and five driven in. Matt Holliday had three bombs, driving in five. Mark Teixeira went 10-for-25 with six RBI. Roy Oswalt won both of his starts this week, striking out twelve in the process. Jose Contreras threw a complete game shutout to win his only start of the week. Adam Wainwright scattered nine hits in six innings, allowing one run in his victory. JJ Putz picked up three saves with three scoreless innnings this week. Scott Linebrink held two games.
While losing the battle of the Juniors this week, Ken Griffey Jr also led The Death Ro in homers and RBI, with three and nine respectively to go with his ten hits and a steal. Carlos Lee was 11-for-28 with a pair of homers, six runs and six RBI. Brandon Phillips and Ichiro Suzuki each had eleven hits on the week. Suzuki scored seven times and stole two bases. Phillips scored six times and homered. Daisuke Matsuzaka seemed to regain his dominating form, allowing one run over seven, striking out eight in his victory. Ted Lilly pitched fifteen innings in his two starts this week, allowing three runs, striking out ten and picking up a victory. Chris White Young allowed three runs in eleven innings, fanning nine and garnering a win. Chris Capuano led the club with eleven K's. Bobby Jenks saved a pair of games.
Somebody remind JJ Hardy that he's not any good. He continued his push for the MVP (GROSS!) this week, hitting three more bombs and driving in eight for the Champ. Rumors of Lance Berkman's demise were greatly exaggerated, as he also clubbed three homers, drove in six and scored eight. Adrian Gonzalez, Aramis Ramirez, and Jeff Kent all hit two homers apiece as the most powerful team in the league continued their power surge. Jeff Francoeur led the club with ten hits and Jorge Posada and Rafael Furcal each had nine hits. Furcal had two steals and Andruw Jones drove in nine. John Danks pitched into the seventh, allowing one run to pick up a victory. Greg Maddux went five and a third, allowing one run on three hits before departing. Francisco Cordero and Rafael Soriano each had three saves.
David Wright reminded everyone that he's still alive by going 9-for-24 at the plate with a homer and FOUR(!?!?) steals for Eastside. Raul Ibanez had nine hits, six RBI and five runs scored on the week. Manny Ramirez scored six and drove in six, adding a homer. Grady Sizemore stole three bases and Jose Reyes swiped two. Brian Roberts was 9-for-30 with a steal. Carlos Delgado had a pair of homers but was only 4-21 on the week. Tom Glavine led the staff this week, going seven innings allowing only one run to pick up the victory. Boof Bonser struck out thirteen in his two starts this week, winning one. Josh Beckett held opponents to three runs in eleven innings, fanning twelve and winning one of his two starts.
Jason Bay led the way for the Three Shots offense this week, going 10-for-24 with five driven in, six scored, and a homer. Orlando Hudson and Alex Rios each had two homers. Travis Hafner led the club in RBI with six, followed by Mike Lowell and Corey Patterson with five. Bill Hall was 9-for-24 with a homer. Chuck James posted a 1.69/1.03 line this week in ten and two-thirds innings of work, striking out six and getting a win. Ervin Santana struck out eleven in thirteen innings of work, while Randy Johnson fanned nine in only six innings. Chad Qualls picked up two holds.
Justin Morneau continued to tear it up for the Thunder Guts, launching three bombs, driving in six and scoring six times. Felipe Lopez had two homers, scored five and drove in five, despite hitting .192 on the week. Brad Wilkerson had two homers, scored four and drove in six, despite hitting .176 on the week. Sensing a pattern yet? Derek Jeter led the team in hits with twelve and RBI with seven. Russell Martin continued his hot start, going 9-for-27 with six runs scored. Eric Byrnes had a pair of homers and five runs scored. Javier Vazquez fanned ten in thirteen innings. Francisco Rodriguez had two saves with two scoreless innings of work. Pat Neshek struck out five in just 2.2 innings.
The Drunks had five players hit a pair of home runs this week, Alfonso Soriano, Lyle Overbay, Eric Chavez, Magglio Ordonez, and Luke Scott. Soriano was 9-for-26 with three steals. Ordonez had six RBI and seven runs to go with his homers. Luke Scott drove in seven and stole a base. Chavez was 9-for-26 with five RBI. Carl Crawford also had nine hits, a homer, and three steals. Craig Monroe scored six runs, while Josh Barfield, Aaron Rowand, and Ramon Hernandez each scored five. Brad Penny was lights out this week, allowing one run over thirteen and a third, winning both of his starts while striking out eighteen. Braden Looper continued his solid start, throwing seven innings of three-hit shutout ball to pick up a victory. Jered Weaver allowed one run over six, striking out five. Dan Wheeler picked up three saves despite a 9.00 ERA for the week.
Julio Lugo led the Meaty Urologists at the plate this week with twelve hits while driving in seven and stealing two bags. Pat Burrell hit a pair of homers, drove in five and scored five times. Torii Hunter also had a pair of bombs while driving in eight. Juan Pierre was 10-for-31 with three steals and Johnny Damon had nine hits, five runs and a pair of steals. David Ortiz scored six runs and drove in seven. AJ Burnett pitched into the seventh allowing just one run and striking out ten to earn the victory. Erik Bedard turned in seven innings of shutout ball, fanning ten in his start this week. Tom Gorzelanny allowed one run in seven innings of work. Billy Wagner saved three games in three perfect innings of work this week. Takashi Saito closed out two games while Jonathon Broxton picked up two holds.
Chris Black Young led the Azzkickers with a 12-for-23 performance this week, adding two homers, a steal and five runs scored. Prince Fielder also hit two homers and drove in five. Hanley Ramirez had eight hits and two steals, while Brian Giles had ten hits. Ryan Zimmerman appears to be coming around, as he had a homer and six RBI this week. Nick "The Stick" Markakis scored five runs and had a homer. Michael Cuddyer hit a three run homer late sunday night to clinch the victory for The Azzkickers, changing RBIs from a loss to a win. Randy Wolf threw a four-hit shutout for seven innings, striking out eleven in the victory. Andy Pettitte allowed just three runs in fourteen and a third innings this week, striking out six and picking up a victory. Tim Lincecum won his first major league game, allowing two runs in seven innings, striking out six. Brian Fuentes picked up two saves on the week.
For a team that hits .224 on the week, there aren't going to be many stars. Adam Dunn led Guitar Face in everything but steals going 8-for-21 with three homers, six RBI and seven runs scored. Todd Helton had eight hits and two homers. Jake Peavy and Brendan Webb earned their money this week, with Peavy striking out ten in seven scoreless innings and Webb allowing one run and striking out ten in his complete game. Both pitchers picked up wins for their efforts. Kelvim Escobar bested both of them, however, twirling a complete game shutout with nine strikeouts. Ian Snell got back on the right foot this week, allowing four runs in fourteen innings, striking out twelve and getting a win. Casey Janssen had two holds.
"Konerko? Iguchi? They suck. A lot of my guys have sucked, but they suck. A lot. I've f'ing had it with them." .... "Ryan Howard's pissing me off. But he's been hurt. I sunk a lot of money into that bastard, so he'd better produce when he gets back." .... "How are we in first place? I mean, seriously, how is that possible? We suck. From top to bottom. Suck, suck, suck. Oh well, after this week, everything will be different ..." .... "Kevin Kouzmanoff can lick it. Next question." .... "I can neither confirm nor deny that Bartolo Colon ate Todd Coffey. That's the kind of speculation I don't want to get into right now. But I can tell you that Coffey is no longer with the team."
Guitar Face (cap +$250,000, released +$250,000) Sign: David DeJesus($250,000) Release: Chris Burke Three Shots in March (cap +$250,000) Recall to MLB: Fausto Carmano($250,000) DL: Francisco Liriano The Champ Is Here (cap +$250,000, released +$250,000) Sign: James Shields($250,000) Release: Kip Wells Thunder Guts (cap +$750,000) Recall to MLB: Oliver Perez($250,000) Jesse Crain($250,000) Geoff Jenkins($250,000) Assign to AAA: Lastings Milledge Taylor Tankersley DL: Bob Wickman Scott Podsednik Uncle Teddy & the Azzkickers (released +$250,000) Release: Carl Pavano Recall to MLB: Brandon Wood Tim Lincecum DL: Ryan Shealy
The word for the week is "Beatdown". Ready everybody? "Beatdown." Good job kids. There were two shalackings handed out this week, one from the formerly last place Too Drunk to Function and one from Guitar Face. The first place Meaty Urologists won another series (BORING!) but we have a new second place club this week. We saw new league records set for batting average, on-base, saves, and overall record this week. We've got rookies pitching like aces and aces getting bombed. Three new stars on offense this week and a pitching star appearing for the second straight week. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."
The Death Ro got contributions up and down the lineup this week in their victory over the Taintstains this week. Derrick Lee continued to lead the universe in hitting, going 12-for-24 this week with five RBIs. Josh Hamilton got his stroke back, hitting two jacks, scoring seven times, swiping a base and collecting nine hits. Carlos Lee had an eleven hit week and drove in seven. Kenny Lofton had a pair of homers and a pair of steals. BJ Upton continued hitting, going 9-for-23 this week. Chris White Young threw eight shutout innings, picking up a win and eight K's in his start this week. Curt Schilling fanned fourteen in his two starts, winning one. The ageless Todd Jones saved four games this week while his understudy Bobby Jenks picked up two. Scot Shields had a pair of holds.
Lots of monster weeks for the Taintstain offense this time around. Troy Glaus led the way with a 10-for-25 week with four homers, seven driven in and eight runs scored. Jose Reyes, Jimmy Rollins, and Randy Winn had twelve hits apiece to lead the club. Reyes added three steals while Rollins had two steals, six runs and five RBI. Winn scored eight times on the week and Trot Nixon led the club in RBI with eight. Brian Roberts' four steals were tops on the team. David Wright and Manny Ramirez each had two homers. Scott Kazmir and Boof Bonzer each allowed one run over six innings, with Kazmir striking out eight. Josh Beckett fanned seven in his victory. Rich Hill went seven innings allowing two runs. Fernando Rodney picked up two holds.
The Flyin' Hawaiian Shane Victorino stole a ridiculous seven bases this week and went 11-for-23 with a homer at the plate while scoring eight runs. Adam Dunn had a pair of homers and rolled sixes in Runs and RBI. Vlad Guerrero had a pair of homers and nine RBI on nine hits this week. Jhonny Peralta also had two jacks with eight RBI and six runs. Aaron Hill had two of his four hits this week go over the fence. Todd Helton continued his hot hitting with a nine hit week, six runs, seven RBI and a homer. Jake Peavy blew away twenty hitters in his fourteen innings of work. He had a 1.93/0.79 line and a victory in two starts. Kelvim Escobar continued his strong return from injury with seven innings of one run ball to pick up the victory. Midweek pickup Ryan Dempster contributed two saves backing up Huston Street's three.
Derek Jeter and Troy Tulowitzki led the Thunder Guts offense with ten hits each. Jeter drove in five while Tulowitzki scored five. Omar Vizquel and Eric Byrnes both had 9-for-25 weeks with two steals. Ray Durham and Felipe Lopez both had two steals as well. Ty Wiggington had the only two-homer week for the Guts, and Brad Hawpe tied for the team lead in RBI with six. Johan Santana returned to old form this week, allowing one run and striking out five in his five inning victory. Scott Olsen went twelve innings in his two starts, allowing three runs and striking out nine. Aaron Harang fanned eight in five innings but got cuffed around a bit in his loss. The Brett Myers Closer Experiment seems to be going swimmingly, as he recorded the first two saves of his career without allowing a hit. Francisco Rodriguez also notched two saves and Pat Neshek picked up a pair of holds for the club's only win this week.
JJ Hardy had fifteen hits in twenty-eight trips for the Champ this week. Throw in two homers, nine RBI and eight Runs and that's huge. Victor Martinez had ten hits, six runs, six RBI, and a homer. Gary Sheffield had a pair of homers to match his two steals in only three games this week. Chipper Jones had three bombs, six runs and six RBI. Barry Bonds drove in five, scored seven and had two jacks. Mike Mussina gave up a run on four hits in his start this week to pick up the club's only pitching victory. Barry Zito allowed two runs over seven, striking out four. Francisco Cordero and Mariano Rivera each had two saves.
Mark Teixeira led Three Shots with nine hits, also adding two homers, six RBI, and five runs scored. Matt Holliday led the team in RBI with eight and runs with six, adding a pair of homers to boot. Chase Utley drove in six while Ryan Freel swiped two bases. Melvin Mora and Dan Uggla each scored five runs. Carlos Beltran added two bombs. Paul LoDuca hit .421/.476 and Carlos Guillen hit .462/.632, both in limited action this week. Three Shots pitching was amazing this week, with five starters allowing one run or less. Phillip Hughes had a no-hitter going into the seventh before leaving the game with a hamstring injury. John Smoltz threw seven shutout innings, striking out six in his victory. Roy Oswalt pitched eight innings, allowing one run and five baserunners to pick up the win. John Maine and Jose Contreras each allowed one run over six innings, with Maine running his record to 5-0. Jonathan Papelbon saved two games on the week.
Two Drunks broke out of their early season hangovers this week to lead the offense. Alfonzo Soriano was 12-for-30 with two homers and six runs scored on the week, while Michael Young had two homers, six runs, and six RBI to go with his nine hits. Craig Monroe had a big week, hitting three homers, driving in ten and scoring seven. Luke Scott drove in five runs while Aaron Roward scored five times. Luis Castillo hit .467/.500 in limited duty. CC Sabathia won both of his starts this week, striking out eighteen in thirteen innings of work. John Lackey fanned fifteen in fourteen innings, winning one of his two starts on the week. Brad Penny fired six scoreless innings and Chien-Ming Wang picked up the victory with eight innings of one-run ball. Jason Isringhausen and Dan Wheeler each notched two saves.
Not alot of bright spots for Three Shots this week, as the team hit .213 on the week. Orlando Hudson was 9-for-26 with two homers, a pair of steals and five driven in. Bill Hall scored five runs on seven hits. Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen went a combined 1-for-36 on the week, sealing the club's offensive fate. Dan Haren had a nice start, striking out nine in seven innings of work, allowing two runs. Tim Hudson allowed five runs in sixteen innings this week, for a 2.81/0.75 line. Daniel Cabrera picked up a win in two starts to go with his eleven K's. Everyone else who touched the ball for Three Shots pretty much got bombed this week, combining for a 6.61 ERA.
Torii Hunter continued his hot start for the Meaty Urologists, going 10-for-24 with a homer and a team-leading three steals. Miguel Tejada had a nine hit week for a .375/.407 line. Ryan Howard led the team in homers with two and RBI with seven, despite going 3-for-22 on the week. Curtis Granderson stole a pair of bases and homered. Pat Burrell was walk-tacular this week, producing the head-scratching .111/.429 line. Bronson Arroyo led the pitching staff, grabbing two victories and allowing four runs over twelve innings, striking out twelve. Cole Hamels also picked up a pair of wins this week, striking out fifteen. AJ Burnett was both unhittable and very hittable this week, striking out sixteen in twelve innings while allowing ten runs for a 7.11/1.58 line. Hideki Okajima had three holds and Jonathon Broxton had a pair. Takashi Saito and Billy Wagner each had two saves.
Prince Fielder was the king of the Azzkickers this week, launching four bombs, driving in twelve, scoring eight times, and collecting eleven hits in twenty-five tries, leading the team in all categories. Hanley Ramirez had eight hits, including a homer, two steals and five runs scored. Rickie Weeks scored seven runs and also stole a pair of bases. Chris Black Young had two homers and a steal, though he only hit .179/.233. Mark Teahan was 9-for-27 with two steals. Ben Sheets was solid this week, allowing four runs in twelve innings, winning one of his two starts. The usually reliable Roy Halliday got hammered this week, allowing ten runs in fourteen innings, though he did strike out eleven and somehow managed to pick up a victory. Randy Wolf fanned thirteen to lead the club, though his 5.73/2.00 line on the week didn't help matters. Joe Borowski had two saves.
#1 - Prince Fielder, AzzkickersThe Prince played like royalty this week, leading the league in RBI with twelve, tying for the lead in homers with four and runs with eight. He went 11-for-25 for a .440/.533 line to take the gold.
#2 - Troy Glaus, TaintstainsA 10-for-25 week from Glaus was capped by four homers, seven RBI and eight runs scored. He hit .400/.483 for the week.
#3 - JJ Hardy, ChampAn MVP candidate according to Shaun Kennedy, JJ Hardy had fifteen hits this week in twenty-eight tries for a .536/.567 line. A pair of homers, nine RBI and eight runs scored were good enough to beat out some tough competition for the bronze.
#1 - Jake Peavy, Guitar FaceThe Guitar Face ace makes his second Three Stars appearance in two weeks after racking up twenty K's and a 1.93/0.79 line on the week.
#3 - Phillip Hughes, 2 Piece & a BiscuitHughes' no-hit bid came to an abrupt end after six and a third, not because of an opposing hitter but because of a hamstring injury. Hopefully for the 2 Piece faithful, this outing was a show of what is to come, not what could have been.
#3 - Chris White Young, Death RoChris Young threw eight shutout innings this week, allowing three hits and striking out eight in the victory.
Too Drunk to Function (cap +$250,000) Sign: Ryan Theriot($250,000) Assign to AAA: Chris Iannetta Release: Jose Guillen Guitar Face (cap +$750,000, released +$1,000,000) Sign: Ryan Dempster($250,000) Placido Polanco($250,000) Release: Ryan Madson Soloman Torres Recall from AAA: Billy Butler($250,000) Assign to AAA: Matt Murton Anthony Reyes
The shortstops take over this week, as BJ Upton and Jimmy Rollins lead their teams to victory. Not to be outdone, the hurlers had their share of dominance as John Maine continued his winning streak. A Guitar Face pitcher had a sixteen strikeout performance but it wasn't enough to pick up a victory. 2 Piece and a Biscuit makes a huge move in the standings but first place remains unchallenged. We also saw two more league records fall on offense this week. All this and more in the latest edition of "This Week in Hardcore."
Jeff Francoeur was the star on offense for Champ this week, going 12-for-27 with two homers, six runs, and seven driven in. Chipper Jones also had a monster week, going 10-for-29 with two homers, five runs scored and six RBI. Gary Sheffield, of all people, stole two bases and scored nine times. Adrian Gonzalez also had two homers and led the team in RBI with eight. Lance Berkman seems to be coming around, going 9-for-25 this week. Barry Bonds and Nick Swisher each had a pair of homers as well. Greg Maddux turned in a strong start, allowing two runs over seven in his victory. Barry Zito allowed three runs in seven innings. Freddy Garcia fanned eight to lead the team but allowed four runs without making it out of the fifth. Francisco Cordero picked up three saves and Mike MacDougal garnered two holds.
Adam Lind was the bright spot for the Azzkicker offense, as the prospect hit two homers, scored seven and drove in six. Prince Fielder had a three homer week and Chris B(lack) Young stole a pair of bases. Hanley Ramirez was 9-for-25 at the plate this week, scoring five times. Brian Giles scored five times as well. Uber-prospect Alex Gordon showed some signs of life this week, hitting .278/.536, which must be a relief to team management. Roy Halladay struck out ten in eight innings, allowing three runs in a victory. Matt Cain continued his strong season, allowing one hit and one run over six innings. Al Reyes picked up a pair of saves and Justin Speier notched two holds.
Chase Utley and steriod suspect Gary Matthews Jr both tag teamed the Thunder Guts this week. Utley was 12-for-27 with a pair of homers, ten driven in, seven runs scored and a steal. Matthews was 13-for-29 with two bombs and a steal, while driving in six and scoring eight. Dan Uggla and Mark Teixeira also had two homers each. Matt Holliday was 12-for-28 with a homer, a steal, and eight driven in. Dave Roberts swiped two bases to lead the team. Kevin Youkilis added ten hits. John Maine continued his ridiculous start to the season, allowing only one run in 14.2 innings while striking out thirteen in his two victories. John Smoltz struck out eight in his victory. Jonathon Papelbon picked up two saves and Scott Linebrink held two games.
Rocco Baldelli was the star(?) for the Thunder Guts offense this week, only because someone had to be. Baldelli hit .421/.450 with two homers and a steal. Derek Jeter and Russell Martin each had eight hits. Justin Morneau and Troy Krzyzewski, or Tulowitzki, or whatever, each had two homers. Ray Durham led the team in RBI with six. Aaron Harang won both of his starts in unspectacular fashion, allowing seven earned over 15.2 innings. He did fan fourteen to lead the club. Johan Santana was not himself this week, also allowing seven runs over two starts without picking up a victory. Scott Olsen struck out ten in his lone start of the week, allowing three earned over eight. Francisco Rodriguez picked up two saves.
Torii Hunter provided the pop for MeatU this week with three jacks, five RBI, seven runs and a 10-for-25 week at the plate. Curtis Granderson, Paulie Walnuts, and The Big Hurt all had a pair of homers this week. Juan Pierre and Julio Lugo went nuts on the bases this week, stealing nine bags between them. Chad Tracy was 9-for-16 for a .563/.650 line this week. Miguel Tejada also had nine hits. Bartolo Colon was good in his 2007 debut, striking out eleven in seven innings of work for the victory. Erik Bedard struck out seventeen to lead the club. Bronson Arroyo allowed one run in seven innings. Hideki Okajima picked up two holds in his debut for the club.
Jose Lopez starred for Three Shots this week, going 9-for-18 at the plate with two homers, five runs and five driven in. Vernon Wells was 11-for-24, good for a .458/.567 line, with a homer, three steals and nine runs scored. Ian Kinsler continued his hot start with a pair of homers, two steals, and six RBI. Jason Bay drove in seven to lead the club, while Corey Patterson stole three bases. Jermaine Dye hit a pair of homers and Alex Rios scored seven times this week. Danny Haren won both of his starts this week, allowing only three runs in fourteen innings, striking out twelve. Tim Hudson also fanned twelve hitters in his eight innings of work. Randy Johnson took the ball twice this week, striking out twelve but allowed eight runs. Jose Valverde notched three saves on the week.
J-Roll did it up for Eastside this week, leading the team in just about everything. His eleven hits, three homers, ten runs and six RBI all led the team and his four steals were second to Jose Reyes' six. Brian Roberts was 10-for-28 with a homer, six runs and two steals. Grady Sizemore stayed hot with a homer and four steals. Randy Winn (.438/.471) and Shawn Green (.417/.462) each had good weeks in limited duty. Scott Kazmir led the staff this week, going 13.2 innings and allowing only three runs while picking up one victory in his two starts. Boof Bonser fired five shutout innings, fanning eight. Tom Glavine allowed one run in six innings, while Josh Beckett held his opposition to two runs over eight innings. Mark Buehrle struck out twelve in his two starts, winning one of them. Armando Benitez had three saves and Chad Cordero had two of his own.
Magglio Ordonez had a week, going 12-for-21 with two homers, seven runs scored, eleven RBI and a .571/.654 line. Aaron Rowand was also huge, going 11-for-27 (.407/.467) with three bombs, six runs and five driven in. Carl Crawford stole four bases, scored five times and drove in six. Eric Chavez had a pair of homers and five RBI. Michael Young was 10-for-29 and Jason Giambi was 9-for-20. John Lackey threw six innings of one-run ball to pick up a victory in his only start of the week. Braden Looper allowed one run in seven innings of work. Kevin Millwood fanned thirteen in eleven innings of uninspiring work this week. Jason Isringhausen closed out two games.
BJ Upton rocked Guitar Face this week, going 10-for-24 with three homers, three steals, nine RBI, and six runs scored, leading the team in everything but hits. A-Rod was slacking this week, only hitting two homeruns. Maybe next week he'll be better. Kenji Johjima also hit a pair of jacks. Derrek Lee was 12-for-23 (.522/.542) with five runs, five RBI, and a homer. Edgar Renteria was -12-for-28 with the rest of Lee's line, plus a steal. Brendan Phillips and Nomar Garciaparra both had ten hits as well. Curt Schilling won his start with seven innings of one-run ball. Carlos Zambrano struck out nine in his two starts, winning one. Bobby Jenks saved two games and Scot Shields garnered two holds.
Todd Helton was hitting like it was 1999 again, going 11-for-20 for a .550/.690 line on the week. Miguel Cabrera also had eleven hits, plus two jacks and six runs scored. Stephen Drew hit .450/.476 for the week with a homer and seven RBI. Vlad Guerrero and Jhonny Peralta both hit two homers and drove in five. Your "Weird Line of the Week" goes to Adam Dunn, who went 3-for-18 with two homers, a steal, and six runs scored. Huh? Kelly Johnson continues his hot hitting, with a .400/.556 week and nine runs scored. Jake Peavy fanned sixteen hitters in only seven scoreless innings this week, scattering two hits but still couldn't pick up a victory. Ian Snell also worked seven scoreless in his win this week. Dontrelle Willis picked up two more wins this week despite his 6.23 ERA. Huston Street saved two games and Derrick Turnbow notched two holds.
#1 - Jimmy Rollins, Eastside Taintstains
The Taintstains backup shortstop was all over the place this week, with eleven hits, three homers, ten runs scored, six RBI and four steals.
#2 - BJ Upton, The Death Ro
Upton did his best Jimmy Rollins impersonation this week, with ten hits, three homers, six runs scored, nine RBI, and three steals.
#3 - Magglio Ordonez, Too Drunk to Function
A 12-for-21 performance, a .571/.654 line, with a pair of bombs and eleven driven in secures the bronze this week.
#1 - John Maine, 2 Piece & a Biscuit
This Week: two starts, two wins. Thirteen K's in fourteen innings. One run. 0.61 ERA and a 1.02 WHIP. Season: 4-0, 1.35, 30 K's and a 1.05 WHIP.
#2 - Jake Peavy, Guitar Face
This is the first time a pitcher who didn't get a single win makes the Three Stars. I guess that happens when you fan sixteen in seven shutout innings.
#3 - Dan Haren, Three Shots
A two-win week for Haren, with an ERA of 1.88 and WHIP of 0.91 is pretty good. Throw in twelve K's and you've got a Third Star performance.
This matchup features two of the hottest teams in the league. Taintstain-mania is runnin’ wild (literally); they lead the league in steals with 48. They also feature a quadfecta of talented lefties in Kazmir, Buehrle, Glavine, and Rich Hill—who gets to pad his stats vs. the Nationals on Sunday. The Death Ro’s offense has been on fire lately (average of 59 R, 16 HR, 65 RBI past two weeks). Even though you’d think the shit-talking here would include only Anchorman and Chappelle’s Show quotes, according to an unidentified source in the clubhouse, Death Ro hopes to “put up those crooked numbers again, matching the Taintstains’ crooked face!”
On the contrary, this matchup features two of the coldest teams in the league. The Thunder Guts have finally gotten some contribution from its highest paid player, Albert Pujols. Unfortunately, team MVP Ty Wigginton hit .130 with 2 R and nothing else. At least he qualifies at a bunch of positions. Meanwhile, Geoff Jenkins wonders what he has to do to get out of AAA. Guitar Face has finally gotten a boost from sleepers Kelly Johnson and Willy Taveras. They try to reverse the bad luck that has hovered over them the past couple weeks. Making matters worse, rumors are circulating on the internets that Jake Peavy could turn heel on Guitar Face, and return to former owner Josh Lohnes. What better time to do it than rivalry week?
There was a big announcement yesterday that Uncle Ted Kennedy plans on cloning Tim Lincecum. St. Louis’ Archbishop Raymond Burke responded by telling the media that he will boycott future UT&TA games, and other Catholics should follow suit. Team owner Shaun Kennedy set the record straight by saying that the cloning of a professional baseball player is “for hustling purposes only, churchy.” MU looks to protect his house by taking advantage of up to four two-start pitchers this week, none of which have been cloned. Although if there were two Bartolo Colons, they’d be the greatest tag team in wrestling history.